Following the previous advice of my therapist I've started dating again. But instead of it feeling like its benefitting me, I feel like I get more numb with each date. It makes me feel less and less like I ever want to have a relationship again. I feel like my ability to feel attraction or even affection is just seeping away from me and I'm worried it will never come back. I don't know what to do about this. I feel like I should stop dating. I don't know how I will ever find someone I can actually trust or relate to, and even if I did I'd just be a husk of a person, so it's not fair for them.
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Does Dating Make You Feel More Numb?
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P
p-no
Dating doesn't make me feel more numb but it's exhausting and it increases my pain. As for attraction, I do get attracted, but it changes when it turns out every single time that their actions don't match their words. Also, I could have written this:
There's one person I would still like to get to know and as soon as the contact is via e-mail, I'll stop using that dating site. (It has its own communication system.) I don't need to increase my pain.
Since it doesn't seem to do anything FOR you, I guess I'd stop if I were in your shoes. If you then feel you are really feeling and doing better, then I think it will have been the right decision. A therapist can suggest things but you're the one in control. To be honest, I have no clue what dating could do for you if you're not ready or, while trying, realize it's not for you at this time. Why did s/he suggest it?
If it's about being more social, I'd probably go for a group setting of something I like doing, i.e. learn a language or play table tennis. Dating really does have a specific goal, i.e. finding a partner. In that other setting, you could have some fun, meet some new people, maybe a friendship could come of it. It's all trial and error.
There's one person I would still like to get to know and as soon as the contact is via e-mail, I'll stop using that dating site. (It has its own communication system.) I don't need to increase my pain.
Since it doesn't seem to do anything FOR you, I guess I'd stop if I were in your shoes. If you then feel you are really feeling and doing better, then I think it will have been the right decision. A therapist can suggest things but you're the one in control. To be honest, I have no clue what dating could do for you if you're not ready or, while trying, realize it's not for you at this time. Why did s/he suggest it?
If it's about being more social, I'd probably go for a group setting of something I like doing, i.e. learn a language or play table tennis. Dating really does have a specific goal, i.e. finding a partner. In that other setting, you could have some fun, meet some new people, maybe a friendship could come of it. It's all trial and error.
Hi stuff. I think you are brave to try.
Is this something you wanted or are you doing it because you therapist said you should? Or do you think it is possible that this is going way to fast for you?
Normally I get numb when I feel trapped or overwhelmed. In the past that was all the time. ;-)
Does the guy know this is hard for you and know the situation?
Is this something you wanted or are you doing it because you therapist said you should? Or do you think it is possible that this is going way to fast for you?
Normally I get numb when I feel trapped or overwhelmed. In the past that was all the time. ;-)
Does the guy know this is hard for you and know the situation?
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BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
I haven't gone on a proper date in a long time. And that's definitely before I got my PTSD diagnosis. The idea of properly dating again scares me. I mean like terrifies me. Right now I'm scared of men. The sad part is I miss going on a proper date and doing the nice things like holding hands. So in a way I want to date. Someday. When men don't scare the daylights out of me. I just hope that's soon. Ish. Kinda :(.
Loveneverfails
Diamond Member
Hi, Stuff. Speaking as a person who has been pretty friendly with the dating sites and has dated outside of it as well, I just wanted to say that the men on dating sites are a pretty poor sampling of the male collective. I've been on many first and second dates, and all from the dating sites had major personality flaws that made a relationship unpleasant and incompatible. That may be a factor in why you're having such a hard time getting excited about it.
But it may also be that you just aren't ready. A therapist can suggest something for you, but they can't decide if it's what's best for you. Only you can. You tried it, if it just isn't working, you're allowed to stop. It isn't a forever failure to take a break and try again later on in your recovery, it's perfectly okay too if you just don't want to whether you're ready or not. Best of luck either way. :)
But it may also be that you just aren't ready. A therapist can suggest something for you, but they can't decide if it's what's best for you. Only you can. You tried it, if it just isn't working, you're allowed to stop. It isn't a forever failure to take a break and try again later on in your recovery, it's perfectly okay too if you just don't want to whether you're ready or not. Best of luck either way. :)
Stuff,
Remember, dating websites are an adjunct to meeting someone in real life. Don't try to completely try to get to know someone on the internet, it doesn't work. Truly getting to know someone requires frequent communication, honesty, and trust. First dates should always take place in public and phone communication should be done when both people are ready to share information.
I always ask up front what the person expects in terms of and the frequency of the communication, it's not like you can read another persons mind. Also, sometimes guys like to be pursued too. Believe it or not, it shows confidence and really gets a guy thinking. Please realize there are good websites out there and decent men. One caveat, if anyone who tells you they are not dealing with an issue or doesn't have a problem stay away because they are not being honest with you.
Also, no one has to know about your PTSD unless you tell them and that's later on in a relationship. If they choose not to accept that you have that condition, then they are not the right one for you. I am male, am actively involved in dating websites, and share the same frustrations as you do. Online dating takes work, patience, and doesn't happen overnight.
Keep in mind too not to put so many roadblocks up, I admit, I am guilty of that. It's just as difficult for men as it is for women to date. On websites, we're all constantly scanned for one thing or another. It can be looks, how many kids a person has, something that was taken out of context in an email, or just as simple as a certain type of music a person listens too. Male or female, everyone wants someone to hold at night even though we may be too anxious, on guard, or hypervigilant at times. Worry seems to compound on other worries.
If it makes you feel better I was told I was too honest and emotionally receptive one time by a female. Now you would figure that would be something a person would want, right? Next girl told me she would date me because I was not a vegetarian. Sorry if I don't grow a vegetable garden in my backyard. But I do love my country music and kids.
Have basic expectations of your ideal mate, but don't have too high expectations. Do what makes you happy and remain positive, you deserve it. And if something doesn't work out, celebrate because at least you made an effort.
Remember, dating websites are an adjunct to meeting someone in real life. Don't try to completely try to get to know someone on the internet, it doesn't work. Truly getting to know someone requires frequent communication, honesty, and trust. First dates should always take place in public and phone communication should be done when both people are ready to share information.
I always ask up front what the person expects in terms of and the frequency of the communication, it's not like you can read another persons mind. Also, sometimes guys like to be pursued too. Believe it or not, it shows confidence and really gets a guy thinking. Please realize there are good websites out there and decent men. One caveat, if anyone who tells you they are not dealing with an issue or doesn't have a problem stay away because they are not being honest with you.
Also, no one has to know about your PTSD unless you tell them and that's later on in a relationship. If they choose not to accept that you have that condition, then they are not the right one for you. I am male, am actively involved in dating websites, and share the same frustrations as you do. Online dating takes work, patience, and doesn't happen overnight.
Keep in mind too not to put so many roadblocks up, I admit, I am guilty of that. It's just as difficult for men as it is for women to date. On websites, we're all constantly scanned for one thing or another. It can be looks, how many kids a person has, something that was taken out of context in an email, or just as simple as a certain type of music a person listens too. Male or female, everyone wants someone to hold at night even though we may be too anxious, on guard, or hypervigilant at times. Worry seems to compound on other worries.
If it makes you feel better I was told I was too honest and emotionally receptive one time by a female. Now you would figure that would be something a person would want, right? Next girl told me she would date me because I was not a vegetarian. Sorry if I don't grow a vegetable garden in my backyard. But I do love my country music and kids.
Have basic expectations of your ideal mate, but don't have too high expectations. Do what makes you happy and remain positive, you deserve it. And if something doesn't work out, celebrate because at least you made an effort.
nursenurse
Diamond Member
Oh dear lord, Delta, you made me laugh. My friends and I have lamented about the emotional unavailability of a lot of men, and here you are, being shunned for it. Will we ever get it right???
Stuff, as I see it, dating makes all if us nervous, but if you are that uncomfortable, then perhaps it is not the right time yet, or the right venue. Everyone gets nervous, but what would truly make me numb is a guy in a plaid suit chewing with his mouth open with a couple of straws up his nose. Then again, if you don't get out there, you will never know. Whoever suggested group activities was right, I think it would be less intimidating. No one says you have to get a partner, but as a human being, you are entitled to enjoy the company of others. Have a little fun. And congrats for putting yourself out there, I know lots of non PTSD folks who would never be brave enough to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Stuff, as I see it, dating makes all if us nervous, but if you are that uncomfortable, then perhaps it is not the right time yet, or the right venue. Everyone gets nervous, but what would truly make me numb is a guy in a plaid suit chewing with his mouth open with a couple of straws up his nose. Then again, if you don't get out there, you will never know. Whoever suggested group activities was right, I think it would be less intimidating. No one says you have to get a partner, but as a human being, you are entitled to enjoy the company of others. Have a little fun. And congrats for putting yourself out there, I know lots of non PTSD folks who would never be brave enough to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
D
Deleted member 1860
I'd stay away from the dating sites for now. Some are full of guys who just want to get laid and really, they're geared toward one end which is finding a relationship. (Or, again, for some, just getting laid!)
Take the pressure off and join an activity you're interested in. This dating thing isn't fun for you right now, so why do it?
Take the pressure off and join an activity you're interested in. This dating thing isn't fun for you right now, so why do it?
That's a broad statement and it could apply to females also. Anyways, dating is never easy, but change comes through practice which she is doing. If she feels she needs a break, group activities work, helps build trust, and is a great way to meet people also.
D
Deleted member 1860
Well, yes. I made the assumption that she was only dating guys, hence my statement. I didn't mean to turn this into a gender war. Sorry you took my statement that way.
(Curious, why do I get slammed for these broad statements as they seem to be taken out of context?)
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p-no
You don't get slammed, SoL, but you may feel like you were. You've crossed someone's boundaries (mine, too) and that's why that someone speaks up. This has nothing to do with you, but with your statement. It could have been me objecting to that, but when I was reading on, I saw, Delta had said it already. I can see no (as in zero) aggressiveness in Delta's post.
A suggestion: Come back another time when you feel good and read his post. You may feel differently then and see it's your feelings not the other's words.
There is a quote I just LOVE, because it is so true:
"All generalizations are false, including this one."
Mark Twain
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