Does Going To Therapy Every Week Make Me Believe I Need To Go To Therapy Every Week?!

[barefoot]

Do you leave them unsaid because they are too big, or too small?

Hmm...good question...
I think sometimes I just think it's normal/it's a given - eg feeling depressed/having night terrors. A while ago, my therapist asked me if I felt depressed and I was surprised she was asking because I just thought, well, duh, yeah! But to her it clearly wasn't obvious. Night terrors are normal for me, so I don't tend to mention them unless I'm having loads and the lack of good quality sleep is really impacting me. And then I'll say I'm not sleeping very well. Thinking on it, I wonder if she knows that's what I mean when I say I'm not sleeping very well... She's asked me to tell her when I have them as she says it's good to monitor what's going on. But then, I don't know, I just don't. I don't know how I expect her to just magically know things if I don't tell her ;-)

The hurting myself stuff...I think I don't tell her because I feel ashamed. And because I want to believe it doesn't matter - and if I talk to her about it, I think her reaction will not be in line with me wanting to believe that it's not a big deal. So, I think I want to convince her that I'm completely ok on that front.

This whole thread is making me think that I hide a lot from her...

Currently I'm judging what I believe by my actions. I'm fighting on multiple fronts to get treatment, so I must think there is something that justifies that treatment.

Sounds like a reasonable and useful standpoint to take.

we aren't able to get our traumas right-sized.

Yes...I think you're probably right about that...I just don't know how to make myself do it differently. I don't know how to stop myself always returning to denial and minimisation.

 

[sun seeker]

But I still don't see how it can be caused by what happened. It feels pathetic :-(

I'm not sure exactly what happened so can't answer that specifically... but I'm willing to bet you would not say that another person who went through what you went through was "pathetic." Just pointing that out in case you hadn't thought of it. It's on a cognitive level while trauma is held on another level, but it's good to be aware of the contradictions in our own thinking, too.

Have you read "Memory and Abuse" by Charles Whitfield? I recommend it. It's about how traumatic memory functions, how many people develop amnesia, and makes the very important point, backed by lots of studies, that it is impossible to fake the symptoms of trauma. We may not remember exactly what happened, but if the symptoms are there, something did.

My T said a few months ago that, until I can let go of the belief that what happened wasn't bad enough, we had reached an impasse - something that caused quite a rupture in our relationship and she later apologised for a poor choice of words.

I'm glad you reached an understanding about this, because if she meant it the way it sounded you would have been under pressure to believe it was bad enough just to keep her happy. That would not have been good.

It takes a LOT of going back and forth, believing and not believing, questioning, trying to find an "out" clause. Your continued doubt sounds normal to me. It's a process.

we could use other methods such as art and writing for me to express myself, but we haven't really done that.

Could this be a good time to explore that? It sounds like a possible way out of this stuck place.

If you had access to someone with somatic therapy training, that would also be excellent. But it sounds like that scares you, so maybe the art is the way to go?

Somatic therapy often does involve touch, but it doesn't have to. You could make it clear that you need it not to.

I did ask my therapist if it would help if I took a Valium before a session as then I might not get so anxious and panicky and then dissociate. She said she didn't think it was a good idea.

I wonder... what about trying it just once (with a backup plan to get you home if it is TOO relaxing) just to see how it goes? Just a thought.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know how I expect her to just magically know things if I don't tell her ;-)

I don't know if this fits for you, but I'll mention something I've observed in myself and others.

Where there is early trauma, we grow up missing certain developmental milestones, understandably. As adults, we are trying to function with some of the building blocks missing.

In early childhood, the caregiver is supposed to be 100% responsible for figuring out and responding to what the child needs. Gradually the balance of responsibility shifts and the child takes on more of it, learns self awareness and the ability both to meet some of their own needs and to communicate what they are. Ideally, the child's expression of needs is regularly met with fulfillment of the needs, so there is implicit trust that expressing a need is a good thing to do.

For many of us, that didn't happen. We may not even be aware of what we need due to years of being ignored or punished when we tried to get our needs met. There is underdevelopment of certain parts of the brain that help us be self aware. This is why so many of us report that in therapy we are learning to express what we need, and find it a difficult task.

So I've wondered whether sometimes the lack of communication and hoping that others will just know what we need without being told is an attempt to fill in that developmental gap, a longing to have someone in our lives at last who "just knows" without being told, and responds to the unspoken need. That and perhaps fear of what might happen if we express ourselves and are not met with acceptance, plus years of learning not even to be aware of what we need in the first place... it all adds up.

If it were me, I would bring up this topic with my therapist. "You know, I've noticed that I tend to not bring up important things because it's as if I expected you to just know without me telling you. Could we explore that?" It might lead to a really interesting discussion and some increased self awareness.

 

[barefoot]

I'm willing to bet you would not say that another person who went through what you went through was "pathetic."

Yes, my therapist says this a lot. And, on the one hand, I know I wouldn't think they were being pathetic. But on the other, I just can't seem to make that cognitive, intellectual argument apply to myself. It's like being two different people who are forever having an argument about what they think about it...!

It takes a LOT of going back and forth, believing and not believing, questioning, trying to find an "out" clause. Your continued doubt sounds normal to me. It's a process.

Ok, this is good to hear...and, actually, is what my therapist has also said lots of times. When she says "it's a process" I think I get a bit eye rolly with her because it feels like a bit of a cop out answer and I feel frustrated and impatient and that I'm getting on my own nerves about always ending up in a place of denial/self-doubt etc. But it's good to hear you say it too. It means that perhaps if I keep plugging away, something will shift on that front...?

Could this be a good time to explore that?

Maybe... I sometimes write stuff and send it to her, though I haven't for a while. And she said that we should maybe do that more as I can express myself better/easier in writing than trying to verbalise it when I'm sitting in front of her. The art stuff...I think I'm rubbish at art! But perhaps I could do a mood board or something?! I'll being this up with her next time because she suggested doing some of it and I agreed but then neither of us ever brought it up again!

what about trying it just once

Yes, I think I might. Not sure if I should ask her about it or just do it... It might be my most relaxed session ever!

This is why so many of us report that in therapy we are learning to express what we need, and find it a difficult task.

Yes...I find it incredibly hard a) knowing what I need and b) asking for it. I wasn't a really young child when the trauma took place - I was 12/13. So, I guess, still not fully emotionally developed, but not, I would think, at such a crucial stage as if I were much younger? I will look up that book recommendation. And your earlier recommendation on attachment stuff.

I tend to not bring up important things because it's as if I expected you to just know without me telling you.

Yes, this makes sense...I think I'll do this and see what comes up...

 

[sun seeker]

But on the other, I just can't seem to make that cognitive, intellectual argument apply to myself.

Yes. I've been there. Still am sometimes. So I point this out with understanding and compassion.

It means that perhaps if I keep plugging away, something will shift on that front...?

It has for me. It's been a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing. I have an extremely patient therapist, fortunately. But yes, if I look at where I was a year ago, or a few months ago, I've moved through tons of denial.

The art stuff...I think I'm rubbish at art!

You do know it's about process, not product, right?

To be honest I'd have to say art therapy did not help me a great deal. What did was a combination of being ready and finding the right therapist. The latter is a combination of personality and skills, and in my case, that has a lot to do with somatic work. That doesn't mean somatic therapy is the only way, just that it seems to work for me.

Having said that, the one time I really felt like working with art was making a difference was when I went into a session very activated and chose to express what was going on, on paper. I let it flow without censoring and what I came up with opened the doors to a very traumatic memory in a relatively safe way. That's why "process not product" is so important. If you are focused on what you are producing, your internal censors get in the way and it is no longer a therapeutic process.

Not sure if I should ask her about it or just do it...

I think you were the one who posted a while back about dissociating so much in a session that your T was worried and wanted a plan to get you home safely, right? I'd be sure to have a backup plan.

I wasn't a really young child when the trauma took place - I was 12/13.

What was your childhood like before that? Sometimes there are things we don't think of as Trauma (capital T) that still get in the way of development. Laurence Heller's work contains lots of examples of this. Some include a lack of attunement with the main caregiver in infancy, hospitalization, and relatively minor neglect. There are few of us in this culture who have grown up in an ideal environment with all our developmental needs met.

I think I'll do this and see what comes up...

Awesome! You've done some really good work thinking this through.

(And I hope I don't come across as if I had all this stuff figured out. I have a lot to say about it because it's stuff I am working on, too.)

 

[barefoot]

You do know it's about process, not product, right?

Ok...yes...good point! :-)

I think you were the one who posted a while back about dissociating so much in a session that your T was worried and wanted a plan to get you home safely, right? I'd be sure to have a backup plan.

Yeah...not my finest hour! My partner and I have agreed a plan so I just need to communicate that with my therapist when she's back.

What was your childhood like before that

Er...I don't really know... Fine, I think...? In that I can't think of anything "bad". But I get what you're saying...that it's common for children not to get needs met (and not because of some massive trauma) I'll be interested to see Heller's examples to see if any of them resonate with me.

(And I hope I don't come across as if I had all this stuff figured out. I have a lot to say about it because it's stuff I am working on, too.)

You really haven't come across that way at all. You've been a big help and have really got me thinking. You're further along with this than me and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences.

 

[sun seeker]

You're further along with this than me

Sigh... you wouldn't say that if you'd seen the mess I was in today. Completely melting, a bunch of friends trying to help me and nothing was working. Thank you for your kindness though. I'm glad if I could help.

 

[barefoot]

I would still say it @sun seeker - because mess and struggle doesn't write off all the progress, good work and insight :-)

Sorry to hear you had a tough time - hope today is a smoother ride.

 

[Roger Church]

I usually see my therapist weekly but she's taken the best part of five weeks off. I've got another 10...

I have thought about this very thing. I grew up being molested by the man who I was told was my father. Needless to say, this has created a lot of turmoil within. Addiction, suicidal tendencies, and very much confusion in the way I interpret communication from strangers and loved ones alike. Most of my life the self talk has been very negative. The horrible dreams, isolation, anger hopelessness nearly killed me. I've been thru several counselors in the last 30 years. I am 46 years old now and got clean from drugs a little over 6-1/2 years ago. I became very active in a 12 step organization and for the most part am very much content with life. I still have periodic bouts of depression and anxiety but mostly get thru those times knowing that those feelings will pass...so far they always have.

I currently do not go to counseling, nor am I on medications to "help" me deal with it. I have a friend, someone I care very much for who still seeks counseling and takes medication for his ptsd. He describes exactly how I feel when he is going thru, but as I said he takes medication, I don't...but we both have those periodic times. I am grateful that I do not have to rely on one person...I have many who know my patterns. PTSD, Anxiety, Depression are very powerful and at times very painful. If you have a small support group, mine consists of 5 people, it makes getting thru the hard times much easier. If you have s counselor in place of a small support group, I suggest getting the support group. It's free, but more importantly, it has helped me more than any drug or counselor.
Prayer helps too.