Our relationship (mine and my fellow sufferer) is free of the manipulative use of sex and yes, I do believe it is a ploy used by (some, no idea how many) women. I've read an old 50's or maybe early 60's book advising women to use sex as a manipulative power thing and I don't think it's been that uncommon, unfortunately.
Maybe less common with younger peeps as we are now being challenged to be "No different from each other", because, apparently, "gender is just a cultural construct" as I learnt in Gender, Sex and Culture at university. I don't believe that, because I've been pregnant 10 times and given birth to 7 people, 5 males and 2 females, now, mostly, young men and women, including a "non-binary" bisexual son, so my life experience speaks otherwise.
Sex is, primarily, a biological function.for reproduction, and it makes sense that, for women, it's a bigger deal and far more dangerous. After all, for thousands of years, pregnancy was probably, one of our biggest killers, so sex "isn't safe" for us women, from a primal, hardwired, biological standpoint.
At the same time, Sex "keeps us safe"; aligning and bonding with a man, who protects us and ensures our survival, is survival, from this same, primal, biological, historical, evolutionary perspective, and sex is that thing we have to offer to keep a man by our side and thus, ensuring a better chance of not being killed or starving. So, for us women (generalizing lots here, I know) there's (can be) ambivalence towards sex, for good, survival reasons, and all this, generally goes beyond any conscious awareness, like PTSD, it's our primal brain that's simply wired to survive and have our dna perpetuated, which takes me to my next point.
Both men and women are biologically driven to reproduce, but very recently, we started to be able to choose not to. Now, sex is mainly considered something we do to serve emotional needs and for pleasure, relaxation "good drugs" (oxytocin and dopamine are like the best) and to express nurturing, affection, a close bond, high regard for another or even, control and domination over another. But the primal drives are still survival oriented, just like PTSD, our brain drive us for survival and that includes survival of our genes.
Enough with the science, let's get personal. I am a long term trauma survivor, conditioned for survival by pleasing and fawning (sickening and pathetic, but true) so my first impulse has been to say yes without question. I'm getting better though and recently said no, "I'm tired" for the first time, only a couple of months ago. I get problems though, if I have a lot of sex, I get pain and urinary infections and my desire plummets.
My guy gets stressed, stops eating and sleeping and his desire plummets. We both adore each other though, are very attracted to each other and enjoy a healthy sex life, when physical health (see ptsd related physical symptoms), doesn't get in the way.
I've recently started going down on him when my vagina is too sore and he's recently been ok with that (he wasn't comfortable with being given oral, due to a lot of abuse at the hand's of women before me) and the reason is just that my people-pleasing is so engrained and I love him so much and he is so open, giving, considerate, affectionate but also honest (also a total spunk), not a cuck; for the most part, he's worked hard to be his own man and stand in his own power, still a work in progress: he stands his ground and won't be bullied or manipulated and all of that is a turn on.
He has never ever abused me, never said mean things to hurt me, although, being a sufferer, his cognitive distortions get the better of him in the heat of the moment, sometimes, but we always talk it over, after. He yells and I don't like it, but that is just his fight response kicking in when he's triggered. I end up yelling back and then he leaves to cool down.
He's a man of great courage and integrity and that is a massive turn on.
So yeah, I'm turned on and want a man to be someone who rules himself, who is strong, has courage, is honest and kind, who does his best to commit to his responsibilities, is not passive-aggressive but who can communicate and be vulnerable, which takes a lot of courage.
My job is to be fair to him, to nurture him, not to manipulate or withhold from him, that lacks integrity and is not honest, to find mutually beneficial ways to show him I love him and consider him and that includes, maybe, non intercourse sexually pleasuring him, if I'm not able to have sex without it hurting me. That's what I've been working on, anyway. Sex can hurt, and that's not love, because I know he wouldn't want to hurt me.
