I know it's hard when you're being judged but other peoples ignorant opinions just don't matter when it comes to my serenity and peace of mind.
Such types of events, as you mention above, is where I actually experience physiological effects and Warnings .....Danger! Danger!
This is one specific place where the root of my trigger and resulting Ptsd symptoms is found in my past trauma.
Other's ignorant or delusionary opinions of me did matter as a kid and teen when I was being judged! Because judgement wasn't so simple. Judgement of me was followed by full speed ahead attempts at an execution. His chooses in operation were continuous and varied. Many were extremely psychological, followed up by assault.
Others beliefs held about me did matter as a kid, and when not in alignment with most obvious truth and reality, could and generally always did cost me daily.
When the entire family became victims of my step-dad's world of psychosis and delusion, they did not immediately pay at the hands of his instant gratifications. I did! This mattered.
What was proven later to be two of his earliest most prevalent psychotic beliefs, while existing within our household, were:
a) He thought I personally was someone else, and then would often call me by her name just prior to his attacks. b) He thought I was his enemy and that I was out to destroy and kill him.
Mind you, this began no later than when I was 8 yrs. old, and continued from there. It did not ever stop and only subsided for brief durations of time, until much later, after he had aged enough, and I was then grown enough that he then knew, he may've helped create a possible killer ....(me, then a real enemy, and quite possibly a killer in defense if that need arose). He understood that any further overt torment and torture of me, was then likely to have cost him his life.
Was he ever really truly psychotic or was he just plain full of hatred and evil, or a combination of both, really I don't know. But what I do know is that what he thought about me mattered and determined whether or not I might live another day, or awake to die.
One reason perhaps that I was so obsessively targeted by him and perceived by him as his enemy, prior to actually becoming his enemy, was bc he must've been so frustrated, as well as, he couldn't and didn't succeed in breaking me. I'd refuse to accept his cunning daily manipulations, filth, deceit, destruction and abuses, and excuse them away as rational, acceptable and deserving. Instead, I'd maintain my voice and take whatever abuse and threat might, and did all too often, follow.
It was not within me to passively stand by and pretend while I watched him ravage our home and divide and conquer us girls.
The others did differently. My mother went the route of cooperation. My eldest sister could escape in friends and drugs, while simultaneously accepting his rewards for her "going along to get along."; She believed my mother who believed him.
My other sister simply was set-up to self-destruct and escape and dissociate from all of reality. So when she was in desperate need again, she had little to no choose but to then abandon all of her realities for his and abandon hers, for that of what was available, in addition to, devastatingly brainwashed into my mother; She too basically took the route of going along with this guy and our mom to get along, and IMO, for too long.
I on the other hand stood apart from, and was non-accepting of such depravity and insidious abusiveness from within that hell-hole. I thought and behaved much differently and independent of them then.
Since I could not escape, I was certain to die alone at such a young age without any help or protection, and so the two remaining chooses were: allow myself to be assimilated with him and the increasing numbers, (known mentally deranged extended family) or fight.
I then chose to fight that battle against his psychosis which included targeting me as his enemy. If I hadn't fought, I would've permanently lost every ounce of my true self and would've felt as good as dead.
It's great morgan that when it comes to peace of mind and serenity that others opinions of you don't matter; This is truly all good! We can be thankful for such gifts, power and/or miracles, I too have received just enough of all, to often not only feel most appreciative and grateful for the lives of many people, but for my own life as well. Sometimes I even feel very, very good about myself.
However, thus far and in real-time, when it comes to what and how the numbers think and feel about me, it still matters to me, bc it can and does physically feel and convince me still too often, that both my next moment of sanity, as well as, my very life is at stake.
And, since I'm so often surrounded by the direct familiarities and quite remarkable similarities with those people in that house (FOO) from my past. This and these challenges far exceeds hard.
While I can thank you morgan for posting to this thread, for your very kind support and for perhaps inadvertently helping me to dredge up and get so much related out, I don't know how others might think about all this release. Perhaps, most others will think it's all bullsh't. (smiles)
I can smile a bit more freely here upon the forum when still at some risk or even while feeling happy or loving, bc nobody is in my face shouting: "I'll chase you down, catch you and then screw you right into the ground." Nor, is anyone setting forth to gain allies to place an attack upon anyone or any group of people.
Here, I feel like I'm allowed to continue to discover and re-discover more and that in doing so what I find good about me, doesn't threaten others and myself, or allow others, if and when they do feel miserable, to directly express their ugliness or hatefuness at me.
Lots of (((hugs))) morgan.
And, thank you Salu for your response and support as well.
Hope
