Childhood Does The Abuse Even Matter Anymore...?

[anemone]

I'm feeling a bit disjointed...

Well, uhm, basically my mother emotionally and mentally abused me my entire life up to when I was 18 and moved away for college. She has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder.

Anyways, she basically always wants to buy me things and treat me nice. I figure though that it's just because she doesn't have me, ya know? My older brother lives with her and she doesn't really pay much attention to him.

And...I was visiting for a couple days recently (so friggen stressful, just being around her makes me clam up). She was trying to be super nice as usual...but we actually did stuff together. She took me to this art festival and we actually had kind of a nice time. But I'm so torn though because even though it was nice, it was still...fake. I'm just scarred from the abuse. What if this is part of the manipulation?

So even though I'm on guard, I'm still having a bit of a crisis. She's never apologized for the abuse, doesn't even register it. So maybe...I'm wrong?? Maybe I wasn't abused...? And she's been so nice to me so...does that mean the abuse doesn't matter...? But I can't just "get over it" because the scars and baggage are imbedded in me. And this is part of BPD, they try to suck you in just because they don't "have you."

And I've always been worried that the abuse doesn't matter since I was a kid. Adults would tell me to suck it up, that I'm selfish, that I need to be a better daughter. And this recent nice behavior...it's making me dizzy. I just don't know anymore...

I'm sorry if this is really rambling...I hope maybe someone could relate...i just don't know anymore...

 

[hodge]

I can relate, Anemone. My mother was like that, too. I never got real validation of how badly she treated me until I also went away to college and my suitemates could hear my end of our phone conversations and would be shocked. They'd always come up to me after the call and ask me if I was okay.

I used to discount her treatment of me, too. But that was wrong. It took me decades of therapy to learn how to deal with her. Oddly, since I told her I have PTSD she also has been nicer to me. Maybe there is some vestige of conscience in her, though she also has never apologized.

It always helped me to see an older woman therapist who could kind of be a nice mother figure to me. I also realize that in my life I've sometimes sought out older women as friends. That's helped, too.

 

[Enaila]

I've just started allowing my mom to be part of my life again. I still have to remind myself I am an adult and not a helpless child. If she wants to be nice to me, okay, but I know I won't be able to fully trust her. We can be friends as we are both adults, but I am in control of my own life and decisions NOT her. With that being said, I still have to constantly remind myself of the previous comment, as kindness from my parents was always conditional.

You deserve to be treated nicely. Whether or not you were abused, I can't say, but sounds like you perceived it as abuse, so it is important to treat yourself kindly and seek assistance if it is troubling you.

 

[claroscuro]

I relate to this so much, and still struggle with it with one of my abusers.

My abusers could be so damn nice, until they weren't. People (sometimes even the abusers, or little old me!) tell me to focus on the good times, the happy memories, and then I end up feeling like I'm maybe blowing things out of proportion, or being ungrateful for whatever good came my way.

My opinion:
From people who haven't experienced trauma, in this case abuse: They can rarely imagine what it's like to live in the wake of that trauma, so they think you can just change focus by flipping some fantastical switch.

From abusers: They're trying to invalidate your experience and response in an effort to keep you around and "pliable". If they can get you to feel guilty about where you're at it absolves them of wrongdoing and can even make you more open to their abuse.

From myself: All or nothing thinking. Bad people can't do good things, therefor if I have good memories of them, then the bad memories must be false and I wasn't abused. Then comes the horrible self talk, because how awful am I for making it up. I used to find the resulting self loathing easier to live with than admitting having been abused. I find that emotional abuse is especially hard for me to accept as part of my experience, maybe because it isn't quite tangible.

It's like the good things are somehow supposed to neutralize the bad. Sadly it doesn't work that way. A cup of coffee or a new pair of shoes can't change the impact of, or undo, any kind of abuse.

You said in your intro you have been diagnosed with PTSD, so you have experienced trauma. I'd say this thought pattern you're going through could be to avoid having to deal with your experience. I can't say whether your mother's behavior is sincere or manipulative. Was there a time your brother wasn't at home with her? If so, how did she behave toward him during that time? Did he also experience emotional and mental abuse? I like to think people can change, but that takes effort on their part, and most of the time I find that the past is a good indicator of the future.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

My mother did stuff like that too. I feel that it was to keep me from exposing what she did to me. She sexually and emotionally abused me, her own, only daughter when I was a little girl. So I choose never to be near her again. I can't allow further manipulation, plus I'm terrified of her. So yeah, I think she's just trying to keep you sweet.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I'm feeling a bit disjointed...

Well, uhm, basically my mother emotionally and mentally abused me my e...

Hi there. I can relate to your situation completely as I was also emotionally and physically and mentally abused by my mother up until I was 19 and moved into an apartment with my sisters. And now that I no longer live there, she tries to be super nice, spending time with me, and all of that. But she has never acknowledged what I went through everything has just been swept under the rug but i still struggle with dealing with everything that happened and i also constantly question whether or not my pain and trauma is valid because of that as well. And i think thats what happens when you've been manipulated or gaslighted for years. But your pain and trauma is valid. What you went through was real and shouldn't be ignored or dismissed because your mom is spending time with you. It doesn't change what you went through. The abuse does matter. Your feelings matter and they are valid

 

[anemone]

It always helped me to see an older woman therapist who could kind of be a nice mother figure to me. I also realize that in my life I've sometimes sought out older women as friends. That's helped, too.

The lady I'm going to (hopefully) start seeing soon is an older lady. That's kinda cool that your way to fill the void was to find other mother figures! I'm kinda the opposite...older women scare me a bit, and I'm a very harsh judge of mothers. And, to be honest, as a child I was slightly misogynist too. But that's why I'm gonna try a lady therapist for once! I think it'll be good, and I'm glad it's been working well for you! :)

I've just started allowing my mom to be part of my life again. I still have to remind myself I am an adult and not a helpless child. If she wants to be nice to me, okay, but I know I won't be able to fully trust her. We can be friends as we are both adults, but I am in control of my own life and decisions NOT her. With that being said, I still have to constantly remind myself of the previous comment, as kindness from my parents was always conditional.

You deserve to be treated nicely. Whether or not you were abused, I can't say, but sounds like you perceived it as abuse, so it is important to treat yourself kindly and seek assistance if it is troubling you.

I think that broken child in me still craves for real love and affection from her. But I can't give that child what it wants, sadly. I just gotta keep telling myself to be on guard and to not get my hopes up too high. Thank you. :happy:

 

[anemone]

My mother did stuff like that too. I feel that it was to keep me from exposing what she did to me. She sexually and emotionally abused me, her own, only daughter when I was a little girl. So I choose never to be near her again. I can't allow further manipulation, plus I'm terrified of her. So yeah, I think she's just trying to keep you sweet.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. :( Even though it's so hard, we're tough, and we can get through this. I know we will...

Thank you @moshpitmunkey :) I'm glad that your living situation has gotten better! Mental abuse is just a different kind of horridness...it f*cks up the way you perceive things, the way you see yourself and everything around you...it's comforting to know that other people are in the same boat as I am. Makes me feel like less of a sham.

 

[anemone]

My abusers could be so damn nice, until they weren't. People (sometimes even the abusers, or little old me!) tell me to focus on the good times, the happy memories, and then I end up feeling like I'm maybe blowing things out of proportion, or being ungrateful for whatever good came my way...It's like the good things are somehow supposed to neutralize the bad. Sadly it doesn't work that way. A cup of coffee or a new pair of shoes can't change the impact of, or undo, any kind of abuse...
Was there a time your brother wasn't at home with her? If so, how did she behave toward him during that time? Did he also experience emotional and mental abuse?

Thank you so much for your comment. It made me tear up a bit ahah..What you say about how abusers and non-abused people is so spot on...so many times, I've had school staff tell me how ungrateful I am towards her just because she would drop of flowers for me to try to coax me back to her. Even though they never knew the full story...cause I guess flowers makes up for being personally responsible for mind f*cking me for the first 15 years of my life. Totes.

And so many times have I thought to myself that if I have a fun, normal day with her, that just invalidates all of the abuse...it's hard...Idk, especially when the abuse is never physical, no one ever really believes you. Or they just look at you and say, "Oooohh....that's....bad....?" just to placate you. It hurts the most when your own boyfriend doesn't even really seem to believe you...but I digress.

To answer your question, yes, she was really sweet to my older brother before he moved in with her. Especially cause he and my dad were fighting a lot at the time, so she would use it to make my dad seem like the scum of the Earth and make her seem like the "good parent." Que a year after he moves in with her and she barely gives him the light of day while sending me needy voicemails and gifts for me she couldn't afford. She also emotionally and mentally abused him and my dad before they separated too.

 

[sedna]

I relate to this so much, and still struggle with it with one of my abusers.

My abusers could be s...

I couldn't agree more. It's the grooming of the fawning response. We all know the lifetime of self recrimination and chaos that will cause.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. :( Even though it's so hard, we're tough, and we can get through thi...

Mental abuse really is on its on level of screwed up and exactly it skews your perception on yourself and the world and its terrible. Youre definitely not alone and glad you reached out to find a support group.

 

[schmidt.aander]

My mother has BPD.

Our relationship has always been dysfunctional, at best. I can relate to your situation because I moved away early and went back to visit and she would take me shopping for clothes, buy me concert tickets, make my favorite meal, etc. She never did those things when I was in adolescence. But shortly after she'd seek conflict with anyone in our family and I, being the black sheep, was always first at bat. It just became too much. The hot and cold approach was something she was very good at and it continued until my late twenties - never knowing where I would sit on her scale and often finding myself in a position of hearing how much she missed me and how she "should've aborted" me when she had the chance.

We're no contact now. The abuse does matter because you're a person and you are valid. If she wanted to go down in your history in a different way, she should have treated you better.