Does Your Family Know You Have Ptsd?

[confusedcaregiver]

I am the black sheep spawn of the blackest sheep in the family. As a childhood runaway that later got back in touch with my extended family (not parent) I am a gossiper's wet dream in a family of gossipers. I have already been used as a weapon in fights between relatives (especially arguements with my parent), so the thought of my family knowing I have ptsd, largely from childhood drama, terrifies the crap out of me. I am just learning how to remember and cope and feel and am pretty overwhelmed by the personal rammifications. The thought of having to put up with drama and "political" rammifications on top of that is so beyond my ability to cope I would just cut my family out of my life entirely if it got around. I told a relative for the first time a week ago and, while she normally answers within hours, she hasn't replied for a week. I asked her not to tell anyone and trusted her but now, after no response, I am terrified of how she reacted and if she turned to other relatives... in 1 week there is a family gathering I am getting nervous about.....

Just wondering how people have broached the subject with family, their responses, etc. This is all new to me and I am so scared :(

Thanks!

 

[Britt.f7]

I have not told any of my family. I may have 20 years ago when I received inpatient ptsd/sexual abuse treatment. Only two people visited me. No one talked about it afterwards. I have an Aunt that I have tried to talk to, via email or letter, but she doesn't respond. It is surprising because she is, normally, at least appearance wise, a very warm and loving person. I use to look up to her when I was a kid. Unfortunately, she didn't respond 20 years ago and she didn't respond earlier this year when I emailed her about recent inpatient treatment.

Is there a way to call that relative and ask if she received your email? I know my son and, that same aunt, are bad about checking their email. If you are up to it, I really would suggest calling or texting if that is easier.

Sometimes what goes around in our heads is worse then the actual reality. Not always of course, but, at least, if it is bad, you will know what you are dealing with and can go from there.

I wish you luck and hope it is just that she hasn't checked her email.

 

[Pencil]

Judith Herman explains the reluctance of people to become involved:

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator.

All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering...

In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator's first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail."

Families don't want to be polarized by what they see as solely 'our' stuff. I think only on rare occasions will family members pay attention, while they will often use PTSD or its symptoms as a weapon against the victim.

 

[Abstract]

Hi confused,
I haven't and still can't envision doing so. I also have not told my husband which I should do but dont seem to be able to. :rolleyes:

 

[Britt.f7]

Abstract, it would probably be relieving to share with your husband. If he is supportive and sensitive towards you it would give him a better understanding of what is going on with you. I know it is difficult. My husband is sensitive and supportive, but, at times, it takes me awhile to open up. When I do I can feel myself take a deep breath before saying anything. I know, logically, it shouldn't be so difficult, but it is.

When I brought myself to tell my spouse that I was diagnosed with bipolar, more depressive episodes then manic, I was truly scared about the stigma. He told me he didn't care what I was diagnosed with as long as they could help me get better. The concern I had about him being negative evaporated. Of course I haven't told anyone else but one close friend this, and I probably won't.

 

[Tinyflame]

I can think of only one family member who I believe (*know*) would have been respectful and kind and supportive, if I revealed it, but they are not living.

Somewhere I envision- very oddly enough- that perhaps my dad would even have respected it, and not used it against me. But he died when I was 14, so that's moot.

I guess what I am saying is, your relationship together, and knowing how the other family member 'is' (that is, reacts, are they respectful?, can you disagree?, do they default to the 'low blow' when angry?, are they looking for a scapegoat, do they believe that ptsd exists, etc) has the greatest bearing. I would not have thought of that, until writing this. But even generally speaking, how a person is or your relationship together, determines what response you're likely to get, and therefore whether you feel it's safe to reveal it. I guess that's 'good trust', that is, being able to discriminate.

I think with families also, and shared hisory but different perspectives, it can be more threatening, there can be denial, or fear in acknowledging if things were bad for one, that might mean you have to look at your own life's events. And maybe that's too painful. As (and maybe) they've been stuffed, and it turns your world upside down.

I hope things work out well. You should not be ashamed. You didn't ask for this and wouldn't have it if you could change it. Someone kind told me that once.

((((((((Hugs))))))).

 

[Abstract]

Abstract, it would probably be relieving to share with your husband.

Britt,
You are sweet. Thank you. I am so glad your H is so sensitive and supportive. Sadly I don't believe my H will be really. I don't think he will react badly either. He probably just won't react as that is how he has responded before to learning about the eating disorder and depression. But really I should as there is obviously lots of odd stuff that would make more sense if he knew. For some reason I get triggered (intrusive stuff) at even the thought and cant figure out why.

I am the black sheep spawn of the blackest sheep in the family.
Just wondering how people have broached the subject with family, their responses, etc. This is all new to me and I am so scared :(

Confused, I am sorry as that sounds hard. I don't trust my family with information as they are not really safe for me to do so. Junebug said much that is relevant to me. I have told my mother about some of the abuse and had a very bad reaction and my sister turned on me viciously for telling. What Pencil wrote is right and somehow the anger was aimed at me. I have also had very odd and unhelpful reactions to telling my direct family about the eating disorder. I think its likely they would react similarly with this so wont tell them.

Is there anything you can do to protect yourself or at least find out if she has spoken about it? How reliable is she normally? I have heard many people find that family is surprisingly understanding so lets hope that will be the case for you too. Maybe you could send some information as education sometimes helps. You obviously need this relative on your side.

 

[confusedcaregiver]

Yeah, it would be nice to have one person in my real-life that I can actually talk to when in need. My cousin has always been the neutral party/mediator in my family and is the only person who would check up on me throughout the years of being cut off. I found out only a few months ago that her/my grandfather would actually get together once a month and would discuss calling child services to get me and my siblings out of there. Each time they decided it was in the best interest for us to work on finding our own smoother way out, and they would reach out a hand in solidarity whenever one of us did. I am now concerned she feels responsible and may have reached out to my grandfather... whose daughter is my abusive mother. That is where the major fallout could happen.

I just had a great day with my girlfriend but now that I am learning to notice/value my feelings I am finding the lack of mutual support leaving quite a deep void in me. I just want to tell her about my childhood, not even the gruesome war stuff or the years of living hard/on the streets. Just talking about the fragments I have tends to help me surface more, but there is nobody in my offline life but my dogs who would tolerate hearing it... and besides an infinite quantity of licks there is only so much support I can get from that. I snuck out of bed to have a breakdown so it wouldn't bother her the other night. She ended up getting woken up by her night terrors, so she wandered out and I just put my breakdown/processing on hold to help her out. She saw I was crying and gave me a big hug, but helping her feel better was the only priority for either of us after that. Just stuffing it down, under my broken dissociation blanket, hasn't been easy. I had to keep it crammed in all day, and now that she has gone back home I can let out the pressure and cry again.

I have just always been alone, through every crisis and challenge in my life. When I was dying alone in a hospital bed I was never visited even by my parents. It feels like I haven't moved forward. I found myself the most amazing, wonderful woman in the whole world, but the only thing I need from her I have to learn to live without. Really sucks :(

 

[KatB]

I think they know what they see of me and what's been strange. In other words, they don't know but they suspect that I am sick.

It's really difficult for those around me to truly grasp my transformation; changes in my life. They are the type who " see no evil,speak no evil, hear no evil". Ignorance is bliss and its acceptable. Ignorant and undeniably blind to their reality. Words r not enough.

Very few, I mean, very few really know the intimate details of my life. Some understand, some don't. Some want to. They never seen this side of me and for them, its like o___O!!!! I think when time is right, they will know. I don't think me telling them my disorder will help them understand or know how to help me. They don't want help and by them trying to help me, its their only way of feeling like they are being good parents. Do I make sense??? I feel like I am confusing myself.

 

[Springer80]

Judith Herman explains the reluctance of people to become involved:

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator.

All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering...

Families don't want to be polarized by what they see as solely 'our' stuff. I think only on rare occasions will family members pay attention, while they will often use PTSD or its symptoms as a weapon against the victim.

Too true.....You must remember that the bystanders have there own type of dissociation, some real and some selective for the convenience to their own position, be it financial interest or their own psyche.

After ten years of banging my head on the wall of my family in the hope of them acknowledging, this is the sum total of what I got. In one conversation two weeks after some addiction treatment and I was struggling, I rang my mum for help, she said to me 'I just don't want any of it to be true'. It's what I always knew. What I needed to talk about to heal the rift was how that was allowed to happen and how it affected everything but the elephant in the room remains the elephant in the room.

I couldn't speak to her for a year after that conversation and when we did finally argue about it again she denied ever saying that. Rather tellingly she didn't say 'I never' she said 'that's not something I would' and 'I don't remember saying that', but I will remember that sentence forever because it is what keeps me locked on the outside of my family and my own history within them.

IMO, don't bother knocking your head against the wall.

Ever since I've been trying to get help in 1999, I have always said I'm not depressed I'm traumatized, they didn't listen. In 2009 I finally got a PTSD diagnoses, as far as I'm aware none of them have really looked into it. If anything I send them stuff and I get the feeling like I'm the town crazy banging on again.

Be careful about what you expect from them, find a different way to heal without them unless they are ACTIVELY & COMPASSIONATELY asking how they can help you. Be very careful about how much of your hope and stress you tie up in family.

 

[Britt.f7]

I found myself the most amazing, wonderful woman in the whole world, but the only thing I need from her I have to learn to live without

You may not have to learn to live without. My husband is the caregiver of me. He takes care of our family, our pets, our home. I know that he tries to be strong for me, but, I have to tell you, I really wish he would open up to me more about his struggles. It can't be easy for him. I know his life was tamer then mine, but, his life with me, hasn't been. Not that I'm abusive towards him, I'm not. He's just had times where he has come home and has thought I was dying because I was doing so bad physically. He knows of my darkness. He even knows of my cutting. He is never judgmental and he is always supportive. He has no one he can reach out to for support. I don't always want to be the taker. I want to be the giver. I really need to tell him that, because I hate always being on the receiving end. (by the way, this just occurred to me and I can thank you for that, this is a good thing)

If she is as wonderful as you say she is(and I believe she is because of how you talk about her), she will understand. It may be difficult at first, but small steps. You don't have to drop everything all at once. As a woman, I want my mate to be able to share all sides of his self. I end up wondering if he doesn't trust me enough.

I don't think most of us want to be the receiver anymore then we always want to be the giver. It's part of making a person whole.

I wish you healing and I hope I have not overstepped my bounds. Been worrying about that a lot as of late.

 

[Britt.f7]

when we did finally argue about it again she denied ever saying that. Rather tellingly she didn't say 'I never' she said 'that's not something I would' and 'I don't remember saying that', but I will remember that sentence forever because it is what keeps me locked on the outside of my family and my own history within them.

Springer, my mom said the same thing when I confronted her about some things she had said to me when I was younger. I told her, why would I want to believe that you said those things?!