Does your t start late?

[Sideways]

I’m struggling to think of any working person, from couriers to psychiatrists aand everyone in between, who would reliably be at, or start, appointments within 5 minutes of the alloted time, every time. Looking around my place right now, the bedside clock, phone, and tv are all saying slightly different times by a few minutes.

My current T is amazingly prompt compared to the numerous Ts I’ve had in the past. One used to routinely come out to me in the waiting room and suggest I go get a coffee because he’d be up to an hour late every week. My current T is usually always ready within 10 minutes of the appointment time, which I find pretty amazing given the nature of a therapy appointment and the unpredictability of the conversation or my needs on any given day.

So, unless it’s for a job interview? To me, 3-5 minutes ‘late’? Basically means your T is on time. 3-5 minutes is barely a toilet break. It’s enough time to write a few extra sentences, reply to a family text message maybe. But seems to me that if he’s starting appointments within 5 minutes of the allotted time each week - he’s running on time. So, maybe cut the guy a bit of a break, yeah?

Thing is, if this T doesn’t work out for you? It’s not going to be because he starts his appointments 5 minutes late, you know?

 

[Sandstone]

why even be bothered, right? Except I am, massively. Because my time is important

Recognising that your time is important is part of recognising that you are important. That would be a big step forward for me. However it can go the other way, and become a tool to proclaim your superiority over your T , and so to resist what they have to offer.

If you are bothered, and it affects your therapy, it is worth talking about. You've recognised how it links to the past, but knowing that isn't enough to neutralise it for you. So it is worth bringing up, but ideally in a way that is exploratory, to find out more about the impact it has on you.

My current T starts and finishes precisely on time, every time. Our minds being what they are, I've used that as a reason to wonder if she is short of clients and hence of experience. We can find endless reasons to doubt our therapists.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm going to go against the flow here and say your T has a responsibility to start the session on time every time. My T has never not been ready to see me at our appointment time and I really value that.

If they don't have enough time to do what they need to and to be ready for your appointment they need to sort their schedule. Your time is valuable, even if you're getting it back at the other end it's still a wrinkle in your therapy. I have appointments sometimes where me running 5 minutes over (because the session started late) would really cause me problems because my schedule is tight at times. I'm not sure why I should have to accommodate a paid professional who can't schedule their diary to be available on time. A one of crisis is different but consusten lateness for me feels utterly disrespectful and isn't the mark of a good therapist.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm going to go against the flow here and say your T has a responsibility to start the session on time...

Really?

I’m wondering how this perfectionistic quality manifests itself elsewhere in your life. I know that can’t be fun!

 

[UnicornSightings]

I'm going to go against the flow here and say your T has a responsibility to start the session on time...

Thanks for this! I was thinking how he has in the paperwork I signed that it’s the client’s responsibility to be on time and how it sucks that he apparently thinks that responsibility doesn’t extend to him. He makes appts 60 min long and I think that’s the issue. There’s no gap in between clients. He even sent a text before we sat down, something he could totally do if he had a bit of time between clients. I think I’m gonna ask if our appts can start 10-15 min after the previous one cause I know myself, if he’s like a min late next time I’ll probably just leave. Which is a total overreaction but I make SURE I’m there on time because I respect his time and if he can’t give me the same courtesy then the work will suffer greatly.

I’ve also been thinking maybe it’s not the greatest idea to see someone who jokes as much as he does. I joke constantly and our sessions are fun but I need someone who will take me seriously. Maybe this is just showing up because I want an excuse to bail, I don’t know. I like him a LOT though. I hate that I’d have to ask for him to manage his time better. That sounds so wrong.

Like, it’s the norm to be a few min behind but why should that be the norm?! Wouldn’t we all really like to be so valued that therapy starts when it’s actually supposed to? My last one did that. She was capable of making sure everyone felt important. And she had great boundaries. My current one, I was trying to find out about emailing and what my limit was and I basically have no limit, he never said. Just that he can’t always respond right away. Like dude! Set some damn boundaries!!! I don’t want to have to set them FOR him but his nonchalance makes me not really want to email him after all. Like that is the boundary that’s appropriate because it’s healthier than his “do what you want” attitude.

It’s just like class, you expect it to start on time and if it doesn’t, something is seriously up.

And let’s say I want to be somewhere right after therapy. I know we get done by 7 because we start at 6 and I know it will take 20 min to get there. Since it starts at 7:30 I’ll have time to get settled before it begins. Perfect!!! Except, he’s 7 min late and it takes a few more min for him to get all settled and now, I have to either be late to my activity after therapy or I have to have a shorter session. See how unfair that is?

I still haven’t ruled out that I’m overreacting but I think my points are very valid.

 

[scout86]

I’m gonna ask if our appts can start 10-15 min after the previous one cause I know myself, if he’s like a min late next time I’ll probably just leave

This clearly bothers you, so it sure makes sense to talk about it. If it's not safe to make your feelings known with your therapist, where is it?

There may be something he can do to accommodate your expectations, there may not be. Good to talk about it, either way.

If someone came to me, looking for a recommendation for a therapist, and they expressed that punctuality was a high priority, I'd definitely tell them that it's not my T's best thing. He tries and he definitely values his client's time and respects their schedules, but he also gets caught up in what he's doing and is going to end a session when it makes sense, even that's a few minutes late. He could schedule more time between appointments, but then he'd see less people.... Anyway, if promptness is your main concern, he's not your guy. But otherwise, he's great. Everyone has pluses and minuses, it's ask about what works for you.

With regards to emails, my T basically said what yours did. It works for me, although it took awhile to get used to the idea that "no answer" didn't mean something was wrong. (That was actually a really good thing to get used to.)

I guess the way I look at scheduling is this. I'm a farrier. I try to be on time. I know about how long stuff takes and how far apart people live and I plan accordingly. I give people 100% of my time and attention while I'm there, and spend as much time as it takes to do a quality job. Some days, I run late because of someone else's horse. Some days I run late because of yours. Most days, I'm on time. For the people who have a problem with that, I say they need to call someone else. Not a problem. I run my business the way I want and I don't have to do work for everyone. I figure my T is the same way. But I don't mind talking about it and I'm sure he wouldn't either.

Talk to him about it, and your feelings about boundaries in general. Find our how he thinks about it and let him know your thoughts.

 

[Suzetig]

’m wondering how this perfectionistic quality manifests itself elsewhere in your life. I know that can’t be fun!

I'm not a perfectionist by any stretch, I just don't tolerate paid professionals making me wait when they agreed the schedule in the first place.

 

[Suzetig]

There’s no gap in between clients.

If there's no gap and he always gives everyone their full hour he's shears going to run late. Someone will need five minutes extra, take longer to put their coat on, he'll need the toilet etc. And I'm guessing there's a point when it's not 5 minutes because all the little delays have accumulated. I'd also wonder how he could possibly switch his mind from one client to another with literally no break in between.

For me professionalism isn't just about what happens in the room, it's about scheduling and communication too. It's one thing for someone to run over because of something unforeseen or a crisis, it's entirely another for someone to schedule their diary in such a way that it's inevitable they'll be late. That's what I'd be unhappy with.

 

[Stephernovas]

So, given your last post about criticizing your therapist for being 'too nice', what I'm hearing from all this is your panic due to a loss of control. This sounds like it's new territory for you (his personality, style and approach) and you're not sure what to do with it (except run/avoid - typical PTSD response). It seems that all these little issues you keep pulling out about him are linked to a deeper rooted fear for you. That is what I would explore with him. Respectfully speaking, you seem to be ranting on about boundaries, this and that, but you seem to be freaking out because you're not used to this kind of social environment. You are left to decide things on your own, versus being given an e-mail limit and things like that. This may feel tough in the moment, but to me it sounds like this is appropriately challenging you.

 

[Surfergal]

I also believe that it's imperative that a T should be on time for appointments. All paid service professionals should IMO but particularly therapists. To me, it's not about perfectionism it's about professionalism, respect for the client and their time and also appreciating the implications that being late may have for a client. Being late for people who have abandonment issues, attachment issues or many other issues that are seen in therapy CAN be a big deal. It also can relate to boundary setting.

Yes, therapists are human and can slip up once (twice at most). If they acknowledge their error, apologise and make up the lost time it shouldn't be too big deal. It is understandable however that it can cause a reaction or certain feelings to arise in some even if it has only happened a few times.

To me, it sounds like your reaction is over exaggerated but it also sounds like it might be triggering lots of feelings in you from your mum was always late. It doesn't matter whether it's 3-4 minutes or 10 minutes those feelings might be triggered as soon as they are 1 minute late. When your mum was late how did that make you feel? How does it make you feel when your T is late? Worth exploring this further with your T. That's my thoughts. Your feelings are your feelings and you have every right to feel how you feel.

Your T having 60-minute appointments back to back is clearly impacting his ability to manage his time. Maybe he needs to reflect on this. I often wish my appointments with my T were 60 minutes (they are only 50) but when I think about it makes total sense as to why they are how they are and I am glad they are that way. I know before he sees me he has time to go to the bathroom, make coffee or do whatever it is he needs to do to be fully with me when I enter the room.

Also, apologies if I have repeated some stuff others have posted etc I tried to read all posts but skimmed through some as my lunch break is nearly over.

 

[Sideways]

I think @Stephernovas makes a good point. You do seem to be looking for reasons to criticise this guy, and it may be because this is new and uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad - just that this is a new challenge.

I think if you were 3 minutes late to a 7.30 appointment because he ran overtime, you’d likely find that whoever you were meeting up with would be okay with that. It happens. A few minutes is life. If the person you were meeting up with left because you were 3 mintues late, how would you feel about that?

He hasn’t set boundaries with his email, yet. But there hasn’t been a problem yet. He’s leaving it to you to decide what is, and isn’t, appropriate use of email. Which seems like a respectful way to treat an adult. If he has a problem with the way you use email at some point in the future? His responsibility to bring it up with you. But if there is currently no problem? You want him to set rules, but he seems to think that you currently don’t need them.

He chats happily through each session and doesn’t push you enough? 6 sessions into a therapy relationship that makes sense to me. Once again, he’s letting you guide the process. And therapy? Is your process. He’s there to help, but you’re the driver. It’s up to you to decide when you want to start talking about the big stuff, and step up. Because if you’re sitting there joking through appointments? It’s reasonable (especially just 6 sessions in) for him to decide, “Ok, this is what my client has decided she wants to do this session...”.

When I walk into a therapy session? I don’t chat about small talk. I have something ready that I want to discuss, and when I sit down, I tell my T what it is I need to talk about. It’s my recovery, so I prepare for therapy sessions and make sure I get something out of them that I need.

That’s hugely different to some therapists who exercise a lot of control over each session. But it makes me responsible for my own recovery, which is scary, but it also gives me back control. And that’s awesome. My T will steer me down particular paths, the conversation rarely plays out the way I think it will - but I’m in charge of my recovery, and it does amazing things for my self esteem to know I’m driving, yeah?

This guy is handing you some responsibility for your recovery process. He’s handing you you some independence and control. I can totally understand that’s uncomfortable, but that doesn’t make it bad. So maybe try and go with it. If you want to email? Email. If you’re ready to talk big stuff? Go for it.

 

[Surfergal]

You may very well be looking for reasons not to like this T and that is worth exploring more. It's normal to compare with previous T's but if you are nitpicking every little thing then maybe there is more too it as others have suggested. It's new and different and change is always uncomfortable.

I think it's important however for a T to set boundaries around outside contact and email for people with attachment issues or intense transference. @UnicornSightings I am not sure about attachment but I know you have indicated intense transference for T's in the past. Otherwise, it can create a minefield of issues for a client to try navigate and IMO is setting them up to be hurt or perhaps just feel hurt at some stage which isn't fair. Questions like 'Am I emailing too much?' 'Why is he not responding today but did last week?' 'Is he annoyed with me?' 'Is he getting fed up?' 'Am I too much? etc etc can all start to come about.

He hasn't set boundaries with his email as he currently doesn't see a need and you currently haven't crossed any boundary. To many that seem fine! What's the big deal?! But what happens when/if you do which is very possible? He will then come back and say 'Wait this is too much you need to stop and inevitably you will feel rejected and hurt which isn't fair when he didn't inform you of the line in the first place. The client -T relationship is such a big part of therapy and this would negatively impact that.

If you have never experienced intense transference for a T it can be a difficult to truly appreciate how intense and all-consuming it can be. Not saying that's where the OP is right now but there is a possibility in the future based on her previous experiences. As painful as it is when they do set strict boundaries around email etc it is needed. Before I had intense ET for my T I was baffled as to why anyone would have issues with something like this....but now it's a different story.