Don’t know what to do about this email I’ve sent

[scout86]

I guess I was also testing to see how much she cared?

Have you considered that her not responding may have nothing to do with how much she cares? It a different relationship than a family, you know? It's not necessarily her job to chase after you in a situation like that. She doesn't know what you were thinking, or why you quit. What she's doing is respecting your right to make your own choice. There's nothing saying you can't go back.

 

[barefoot]

@LostInCPTSD It sounds like you're feeling pretty stuck. If she's the best therapist you ever had, maybe it is worth contacting her again to see whether you can re-start sessions again? Or do you feel that you were too enmeshed in the relationship with her and that you wouldn't want to get back into that?

I've been working with my T for almost five years. She knows me really well (too well for my liking, sometimes!) For her, that email I sent was out of character as I'm not usually one to ping across a dramatic 1a.m. email. Plus, what I wrote in the email was contrary to what I'd actually said in the session earlier that evening. Plus, she had noticed a theme in our recent sessions around my fear of relationship/me wanting to avoid closeness and intimacy, which often manifests in me wanting to leave. I'd actually talked about another relationship in my session and how I wanted to leave it – I just didn't want a relationship with them anymore. And ordinarily I would leave but I couldn't just leave this. And then, boom – a few hours later I was up in the middle of the night convinced that I should 'leave my T'. So, all of those were reasons, I think, why she didn't just accept my cancellation request as red and why she later said that she wasn't ever going to remove any of my sessions from her diary without us actually having a conversation about it first.

I do understand your urge to test her to see if she cares, I think.... Because you perhaps wanted some proof that she cared for you. But it is a risky strategy. Because it isn't a T's place to chase clients down or to keep nudging them if they're not getting in touch or to check in if they have chosen to break contact/have a break/terminate/whatever. Nor is it their place to persuade us to continue with therapy if we have made a choice to stop. So, while I can understand that you felt hurt and rejected and abandoned, I don't know what else I would have expected her to do...or what exactly she could have done to "prove" to you that she cared while also maintaining professional boundaries and giving you space/respecting your choice to take a break.

My T didn't really get in touch to check I really wanted to cancel or to try to convince me not to cancel, I don't think. I think she got in touch because she was pretty sure the email came from a place of high anxiety and not a literal place of me actually wanting to cancel all the sessions we'd just diarised. So, she got in touch to check in and see if I was ok. Which was kind of her and going above and beyond and not something I would have expected her to do. I think I can count on one hand the number of times she's done that in five years. I suppose in all this I just mean that the context of our relationship and work over five years and the themes that have been cropping up recently were crucial in informing how she responded.

Anyhow...I am still really mortified about the stuff I wrote about myself in the 1a.m. email. It is going to feel fairly excruciating when I walk into her room this week, I suspect. The shame still seems to be literally throbbing around my whole body. One thing I do want to do is try to make an agreement with her that she won't let me quite therapy via a frenzied early hours email at any point. I think she was telling me that anyway but I'd like to get really clear on that. And, for my part, I will agree that when I decide to finish therapy, I won't do it by firing off an anxious email in the middle of the night. So, she will then know that if she gets such a message from me, I am simply freaking out about something and she doesn't need to delete me from her calendar! I think if we agreed something like that I wouldn't have got into quite such a tail spin the other day when I remembered writing the email.

 

[NightSky]

I know you’re feeling hesitant to see her after sending the email. I’ve been there. Many times. Emails sent from a place of fear/vulnerability always make me so scared to see her again. But sometimes those end up being our best sessions, which is why I don’t use the draft approach often. I email mine between sessions maybe twice a month. She tells me it’s helpful since i don’t process much until I leave her office and there’s still so much I can’t or don’t say. I spent a while making sure the emails are succinct. But I have sent off a few heat of the moment ones and they have really opened the door for deeper communication for us. Because even if you regret it, it came from somewhere and it’s important to process.
I’m encouraged to see you’ve been with yours almost five years. I’ve been with mine almost four years and am all of a sudden freaking out that it’s been so long and why is this all still so freaking hard??
Let us know how your session goes!

 

[Tinyflame]

I have a different problem, I feel what I say is idiotic at all times. I think, "Just stop talking already". :(

She sounds she's more trustworthy @barefoot , than you think she might be, or means what she says. Good luck to you. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry can't edit @barefoot , was rushing, I meant, she sounds trustworthy and kind and 'gets it' (from what you've said), and there is no need to worry about it (from what she said).

 

[barefoot]

She tells me it’s helpful since i don’t process much until I leave her office and there’s still so much I can’t or don’t say.

Yes, I do this too...don’t really process much while I’m there then processing goes into overdrive afterwards! It’s frustrating.

My T is open to me emailing between sessions - partly, I think, because my emails often give her more info about what’s really going on! She doesn’t tend to reply beyond an acknowledgement that she’s read it, which is fine. I used to email more towards the start but rarely email beyond logistics anymore. Maybe I should think about dropping her a line sometimes now as there is clearly a lot going on. And I find it hard to express when I’m sitting there with her. I just worry that I would end up emailing more and she would then think it was too much and tell me to stop. Not that she ever did tell me to stop. So, I don’t know why that’s a worry really...

they have really opened the door for deeper communication for us. Because even if you regret it, it came from somewhere and it’s important to process.

Yes, I think this is something I need to remember...that something’s going on, something’s stirred up, these thoughts/feelings/responses exist somewhere...

I’m encouraged to see you’ve been with yours almost five years. I’ve been with mine almost four years and am all of a sudden freaking out that it’s been so long

Oh, I think this all the time. That I’m doing this all wrong because I should be further along by now and this is taking much longer than it should because five years is a stupidly long time, maybe I should get a new T etc etc. When I first started seeing my T, I honestly thought I’d have a few sessions - three months tops. And then I came here and saw people who’d been in therapy for 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, longer...and I’d think, wow, I’m never going to be going for that long!

I suppose denial and then dissociating through about 2.5 years of sessions did slow things down rather!

It’ll be five years for me in the summer. And that’s just pretty baffling to me. Partly, I think, because I still think that my experiences have really not been that bad...nothing was that bad, so why is it taking me so long?! So I must be doing something wrong. I must be wasting time...

T floated the rhetorical question a couple of weeks ago: what if the truth is that it was that bad?

And then I froze and everything just kind of slid out of my head...

?

I think, "Just stop talking already"

I have this too sometimes - when I just think, for goodness sake, stop wittering! Babble, babble, babble...sating so much while, at the same time, saying so little!

she sounds trustworthy and kind and 'gets it' (from what you've said)

Yes, I think you are right. And, overall, that’s reassuring. Yet I think part of me also...it evokes some anxiety, I think, for for part me.

Session today went ok. We started talking about some work stuff and I was sort of running with that but was also aware that I should probably mention the email as it felt like a bit of an elephant in the room. In the end, she mentioned it and I sort of froze again. Managed to say that I felt very afraid and mortified for a couple of days. And that it had felt excruciating afterwards - not because of cancelling my sessions then changing my mind but because of reading the things I had written about myself. She was very kind. She said that was what had concerned her too - the way I had written about myself. I didn’t really say much else...just that I had felt afraid and mortified because of what I’d written about myself. And it all felt excruciating. I suppose that was still useful even though it wasn’t much. It was still very hard just to say those few words. I welled up a couple of times. Of course she would have noticed. But neither of us mentioned it.

So, now my mind is whirring about it all but it’s too late because I now have a week before I see her again and, by then, this will have settled again and I will sit in front of her being fine again... Not sure how to break this cycle.

 

[NightSky]

If you don’t feel like it’s resolved, I would say email her again. Say I know we touched on it but I want to process it a little more. I want to understand what part of me felt the need to do that.. or whatever about it feels unsettled. I did that recently when my T and I discussed and email but I didn’t feel like we really got deep enough into it and didn’t realize until I left that it still felt unfinished to me.
I get your concern that I may turn Into too much email. But I suspect it wouldn’t, particularly because she doesn’t respond. Same with mine. Usually she’ll tell me she read it and thank me. On rare occasions she’ll write a little more. And sometimes no acknowledgement. Because of that it has been easy to stick to one email between sessions if that. There’s no instant gratification. No feeling like I can’t get by if I don’t connect with her. It’s just for the purpose of keeping the momentum going and the topics I know I need to talk about on the table.

 

[barefoot]

@NightSky yes, it’s that keeping momentum going and keeping ideas on the table that I’m struggling with. Maybe I’ll start another thread on that to scout for ideas...

 

[scout86]

I just worry that I would end up emailing more and she would then think it was too much and tell me to stop.

First, I do the same thing. The closer something hits to home, the less I think to say during the session. I think about it on the way home instead and often email my T later, because he's ok with that. But, what if your T DID ask you to email less when you were doing this? I don't think she WILL mind you. And, I'd be worrying about doing something WRONG too. But, her asking you to stop? When you think about it, I wonder why that's so scary? Does it have to be?

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't speak for @barefoot , but if it's hard to talk being told directly or indirectly not to kind of slams the door on that idea?

 

[Friday]

I just worry that I would end up emailing more and she would then think it was too much and tell me to stop. Not that she ever did tell me to stop. So, I don’t know why that’s a worry really...

Snail Mail

Write it. Print it. Carry it in.

Or?

Open a 2nd account so you can write and send to BF2 from BF1, if the email platform is what works best for you.

Either way is essentially an email journal, but we write differently when we’re expressing our thoughts directly to someone else, rather than to ourselves, or publishing, etc.

And either way is a way to work around your fear of emailing too often, or middle of the night, etc. because you’ll be going over the emails in session.

 

[scout86]

but if it's hard to talk being told directly or indirectly not to kind of slams the door on that idea?

It does, kind of, which is why I don't think this T is going to do it. I know, myself, if my T asked me not to email him, I'd have a kind of visceral reaction that would probably be out of proportion to what ever he said. I don't think he's going to DO that, because he seems to value the written communication. But if he did, I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling a kind rejection that wasn't his intention, and I'd be blaming myself for some kind of misdeed he didn't perceive too. (I'm basing this on stuff that's actually happened.) That part of this would be "a symptom" I think, and it probably deserves to be explored. Just because something SEEMS horrible doesn't mean you're accurately assessing things.