Don’t know what to do about this email I’ve sent

[TruthSeeker]

Later, in the early hours of the morning, I emailed her to say that I want to cancel all those sessions we arranged yesterday.
I feel mortified. Really ashamed of some of the things I wrote about how I feel.

Been there with the next 3 months counseling sessions in the computer, got pissed off w counselor and all that sensitive ooh gooey feely crap, cancelled the next couple months w/o explanation. Was in emotional turmoil within days of that, having more stuff go wrong and no one else to talk to about it. Did that twice leading up to being able to trust her. My protective part sent me clear messages to ditch her- regularly because it was feeling strange- it was over that needy icky feeling that goes w comfort in a relationship, intimacy, and closeness. Every fiber of my being says runaway- that’s a bad sign! Run now, fast, and don’t look back. My T didn’t fill my appt slot- but I didn’t wait for more than a week to call and reschedule them all either.

Yeah, I think that happened to me in the icky needy- relationship building part of therapy until I could tolerate it and it felt more okay inside.

I told her I didn’t trust her in an email. Her response in therapy was something along the lines of “if i cancel, I can rebook and that’s not a problem- “
Well she did, she’s a Keeper. I tend to think this is common w trauma therapists. You’ll get past this. I now write my emails and save for 24 hrs before sending.

 

[barefoot]

But, what if your T DID ask you to email less when you were doing this?

When you think about it, I wonder why that's so scary?

I think I’d feel ashamed for being too needy.
For asking for too much. And being told no.

Write it. Print it. Carry it in.

I did this once before. Well, I took in my journal as there was a bit I wanted her to read. She asked if I wanted to read it out to her, which felt horrifying so I said I just wanted her to read it. So she started reading it out loud, which was mortifying so I interrupted and asked if she could just read it silently to herself. So then she did that. But I felt so anxious and ashamed sitting there while she read it.

Open a 2nd account so you can write and send to BF2 from BF1,

Do you mean to just send it to my other account or to then print it and take it to T?

 

[Friday]

Do you mean to just send it to my other account or to then print it and take it to T?

Send it to your other account ...show your T if you feel like it / forward or CC it even... or just review in the waiting room to refresh what you wanted to be working on before the day to day washed it away.

2 options, rather than 1.

That way, every time you want to email your T, you can. With a buffer. It stops off at the other account, first. So if you have a 3 email day? After a month of no emails? You aren’t all :eek: What have I done??? But at the same time you’re (can’t remember the word, along the lines of coalescing) your thoughts whilst fresh & vital.

 

[scout86]

I think I’d feel ashamed for being too needy.
For asking for too much. And being told no.

That's a pretty good description of how I'd react too.

How reasonable is it? Are you asking for more than you have any right to ask, or are you asking for something other party isn't a position give at the moment? If you're drowning and ask someone on shore for a life vest, there are multiple reasons they might not comply. They didn't hear you. They don't speak your language. They don't have a vest. They can't use their arms. They hate you and want you to die. See what I mean? I'm going to guess that the whole "being a bother" thing is something you learned really young. Like I did. Consider the possibility that it might not be accurate, up to date information.

 

[scout86]

BTW, rumor has it "no" is an ok answer to a question. Either to give or receive. I think the people who are the most trustworthy might be the ones who are willing to say "no", when it's their real answer, and to accept it from us as well.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Send it to your other account ...show your T if you feel like it / forward or CC it even... or just review in the waiting room to refresh what you wanted to be working on before the day to day washed it away.

2 options, rather than 1.

That way, every time you want to email your T, you can. With a buffer. It stops off at the other account, first. So if you have a 3 email day? After a month of no emails? You aren’t all :eek:What have I done??? But at the same time you’re (can’t remember the word, along the lines of coalescing) your thoughts whilst fresh & vital.

That’s genius!