Don’t use my name.

[Freida]

Yeah, that is an interesting guestion, @Freida. Does she do it to put a bit of space between you in the here-and-now and the person of the-then-and-there? Is it meant to buffer or boundary of sort?

That's my guess!

 

[blackemerald1]

But, if she did use your name, how do you think you would react or feel? Would her using it be so upsetting that it interfered with your session? Just curious.

She has used my name, but uses it sparingly or as I mentioned in my post rarely.

I'm sure she used it to pull me back to the room but she did it in a quiet and nonthreatening way.

She knows my feelings about my name but it's hardly her fault. I know she is careful.

I'm not changing my name now though we have discussed it but not because I don't like it.

 

[Teamwork]

If the t used my name, I would be surprised. Seems to always be my first response when anyone uses it. It doesn’t connect well with me so it comes off as me questioning inside who they mean, or who they are talking to, then what am I supposed to do next acknowledge that they are talking to me? That’s mostly how it feels.

 

[Missycat]

When i first met my T we introduced ourselves and she asked me how i wanted to be addressed - i asked her to call me by the shortened /nickname version of my name as that is how everyone addresses me apart from my parents, aunts and uncles - or other professionals i may deal with. I asked my T the same question , so we comfortably use our first names. My name ( nickname) is only ever said when she welcomes me or says goodbye, if she has a question sometimes she will use it as part of natural conversation ( and
probably to make sure im listening) and she will always use it when shes helping me ground or bringing me back after dissociating. Im very comfortable with it and we have a great respectful therapeutic relationship.

 

[susannahsays]

The therapist uses my name and I like it.

 

[unbrokenwarrior]

My therapist only uses my name when shes trying to get my attention back if I dissociate. And it does bring me back her saying my name, she kinda says it firmly and it definitely makes me feel some type of way, sorta like I'm being reprimanded. If that makes sense?

 

[zombycat]

Huh. I hadn't given this much thought before. Interesting topic, @Still Standing.

I feel like I'm trying to pronounce words in a strange language when I say my real name. I don't have an aversion to it, per se, but it doesn't really feel like me. Very few people use it, and most of those who do deliberately mispronounce it(family). Other than settings where my legal name is required, I pretty much don't use it anymore. If someone does use it, especially after I've given them my nickname and my preference that they use it, it creates for me a feeling of distance, like they're choosing to stay formal, so I hold them at arm's length too. I find I tend to think of that in terms of rejection, like who I identify as isn't important enough to merit looking past the configuration of letters on my drivers license. It doesn't hurt me much or anything like that. It's just one of those indicators that this person isn't someone I want to invest in on a personal level.

As far as my T goes, I have no idea how she is with others, but I know she recognizes that I personally respond better to informality. We gave each other preferred names on day one and use them conversationally. I've never had an issue with it. If she suddenly addressed me by my legal first name, though, I think it would be kind of jarring. So, I guess I come at this whole thing from a backwards perspective, but still share your viewpoint. Ish. :D

 

[Still Standing]

I don't have an aversion to it, per se, but it doesn't really feel like me. Very few people use it, and most of those who do deliberately mispronounce it(family).

You just caused me to drop back into the dungeon of memories, remembering more name issues, too, @zombycat. I know the name issue has been bugging me but you just jarred my memory a bit deeper. I totally get the mispronouncing one's name. Along with my mom changing her name often, I also had a last name that no one could pronounce, so it was often said with hesitation and uncertainty. I always had to correct or instruct teachers and students and anyone else who tried to say it. Aunts and Uncles and grandparents all pronounced the family's last name differently, too, which made knowing how to properly pronounce it very confusing. With time, every family unit simply decided to identify with how they deemed it to be pronounced. Once the kids in school learned how it was used, I was very often referred to with words that rhymed with the name, but in a derogatory manner. The most popular of these was, "peanut". My dad was even addressed this way, sometimes. "Peanut" or "Peanut Head" plagued us kids until we were out of high school. Man! I had not thought about all this until I read your post. Not good memories. I guess there is a long standing reason why I don't like hearing my name used. Bottom line, I just want to be known by my nickname, with no other factors involved. And I am most comfortable with not hearing it used by anyone but those who have been welcomed into my trusted circle of family or friends.

 

[zombycat]

My name is hard to pronounce too, @Still Standing, and I have a lot of similar memories, so I totally feel your pain there. Now you've got me digging deeper. While I was reading your post, I realized that most of my distance from my name comes from my family and from the people I knew when I was growing up/ still used it. I think it's more of a parallel thing than a direct relation though. I was raised in a household and community that had very strict expectations for who I should be, how I should think and feel. I didn't know who I was without all of that, but I knew I wasn't what was expected and never would be. Now, I recognize the anxiety I felt that if I showed the people around me who I was or wanted to be, that they would never accept me, that me wasn't good enough.

Around the time I finally started exploring my own identity also happened to be around the time that I finally had people in my life who gave me the respect of saying my name right. When I started to gradually care less and less about what people think and more about being true to myself is around the time I started getting the nicknames that people call me by today. I don't necessarily feel the two are intertwined, but I guess one definitely brings to mind the other, if that makes sense.

 

[katz]

Thanks for starting this conversation. I remember, even back in school, I hated the fact the teacher always used both my first and last name--after she called everyone else by their first name only, when she did roll call.
( Shery. Sara. My First name, last name. Chuck. Steve. Judy.)

Maybe it was because my name was so easy pronounce?

 

[Still Standing]

Names... They are personal and defining...some good and some bad. As most of us have been, we have been addressed with respect and acceptance by our names or cursed with by them or have had derivatives of them used against us. The voice inflection used when using our names is probably the most emotionally charged indication of the true intent why we are being addressed. For me, the vocal inflection is what I instantly brace myself for. I wait for the jarring, almost electrical surge to go through my being when hearing my name used. And then I have to instantly judge if it indicates safety, danger, anger, disgust, dismissal, or actual true respect and acceptance. It is a constant stage of alertness and interpretation as to how I am to react to it. So to prevent this stress, I would prefer that most people not use my name.

Another thing I have done through the years is not use the terms of endearments that are so easily thrown around as fillers during casual or intimate conversations whether with a waitress or family member. I bristle when addressed as “hon’”, “sweetheart”, “love” etc...especially by someone who has no idea who I am. That is like the most disingenuous thing to say to someone not familiar to you. Those terms give a false level of intimacy that makes me want to tell that person that I am not their honey in anyway shape or manner. (I know. I’m too sensitive probably about this.)

I guess while I am on a band wagon, I will also admit that I never addressed my in-laws as “Dad” or “Mom”. I addressed them by their first names. However I enjoyed addressing all the other relatives of my husband’s family by the usual terms accorded their generational position...”Grandma”, “Uncle”, “Aunt”, etc. Go figure....?

Names are wrapped up in who we identify as. Whether we feel comfortable with our names or not, they are the tags that give us some form of meaning and acceptance. The issue is how to find a safe and comfortable space in which we can accept the use of our names and not be so sensitive to them. If anyone has a solution as to how to do this, do share.??

 

[Freida]

Whats in a name .... :laugh: My sister and niece just left and I came back to this thread with a giggle. My nieces and nephews call us "Auntie." and "Uncle" Not Auntie Freida, just Auntie. Ya, I admit I'm the one who started it -- One year when they were little I labled all their christmas gifts that way. My brother in law looked at me and said "you know they have more aunts and uncles than you too right?" Ya - well they aren't as important as me! :laugh: I kept it up mostly because it annoyed the crap out of him --- love the guy but he does not have our families sense of humor.

Fast forward a bunch of years and now that's how all of them refer to us. And weirdly its really special to me because it kind of sets a different relationship between us. Who knew just a slight change to a name could do that?!

I bristle when addressed as “hon’”, “sweetheart”, “love” etc...especially by someone who has no idea who I am. T

my mom was notorious for calling nursing staff out on this "I am not your honey!" LOL