Don't Care Any More

[Sammy]

Just found out that a person who has been very supportive, kind and understanding is moving to Canberra, Australia. He is one who finds me nearly every Sunday and gives me a hug. Just because he knows I need one. Sometimes those are the only hugs I get. This is a person who is not huggy so they mean a lot. I am going to miss those hugs. I have watched his(their) son grow from a cub scout to a handsome young man over the last several years. It is a family I always knew I could call if I needed help. One more loss. I am going to miss them terribly.

I feel so alone. The spouse is out of town for work with girlfriend visits at the beginning and end of his trip- he thinks I don't know. How arrogant. While I like not having him here, it hurts that I know he is with his new little family. He finally has a lawyer so I hope we can get this damn divorce over.

Has dinner with a couple of families from church. It was fun but also exhausting. It is so much easier to just stay home. It was nice but such a reminder of what a mess I am.

 

[woundedsoul]

Sorry you are losing such a dear, supportive friend Sammy. I can imagine the hurt, sorrow and loss you are feeling. (((((Sammy))))))

 

[insomnia]

Hun please don't give up hope. Its good that you have people from church to comfort you. I kind of understand about your husband situation. My ex husband slept with two of my so called friends.
It was hard but in time I got over it. What help me most was just keeping busy and try not to think
about it so much. Try to keep busy look into new hobbies discover new things you like to do. I hope things will get better for you soon hang in there . You will be in my prayers.

 

[Sammy]

It has been 2 months since my father passed. My sister sent a picture of the grave site and the date has been engraved. When Mom passed, they got a stone with both names on it. All that had to be added was his date of death. The picture made it so real and final. Just not really coping with it. Divorce is moving forward at a snail's pace. Supportive friend moving away. Filing for disability. Therapy heading into the abyss so my new T can write letters for the divorce. Really don't want to discuss all the past pain while in the midst of new pain. So emotionally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Too many nightmares. Can't even get myself to disconnect any more. Just want to not care any more. Fighting the suicidal thoughts. Won't do it. Can't let the evil win. But, survival is just so damn painful. Did nothing productive today. Nothing. I survived. I guess I need to learn to count that as positive.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Sammy: I wish there was an easier way but I can share with you some things that have helped me in the last few years when I have been totally overwhelmed:

(1) Gospel music: Seriously. I would listen to gospel music and cry or watch videos and cry- for hours- wailing, lamenting, praying but it did help me get through some stuff or at least gave me hope
(2) Watch the video " Team Hoyt (my redeemer)" for inspiration and then learn about their story.
(3) I developed a non-physical sexual relationship with someone- weirdest thing ever but I could actually feel their presence. I am not sure if anyone can do it but it helped me zone out, helped me feel safe, helped nurture me. I would just climb into bed and they would be there. I don't know if I made it up or what but it really helped me get through.
(4) Exersize: Yoga and running helped me get through. Yoga puts you in your body and also loosens up blocked energy in my body. After several days of doing yoga faithfully I would find myself weeping. It loosens up blockages.

I went through the most difficult time and I am sure that if I hadn't had these things I wouldn't have got through. Just a few thoughts. I am sure you will find your own strategies but I think finding ways to nurture and love yourself are key; the tears are going to fall and it really is the best things-- sucks, but you will feel better afterwards. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Beth

 

[Sammy]

Said good-bye to my friend this morning. Lots of tears. I am so tired of crying. So tired of loss. I know I am moving in a good direction with things, it is just an awfully dark, difficult and lonely journey. I am so emotionally beaten, I am not functioning. :cry: Exhausted and drained.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Sammy: I understand. I really do. Life can be unbearably painful, dark, and overwhelming. I just had to drop out of school because of sexual abuse that happened 27 years ago. I had totally blocked out that period of time from my life. It is easy to have an intellectual understanding of something and not have an emotional experience which leaves you kind of disconnected. I am sorry that you are having a hard time. Pretend I am giving you a big hug right now. We all need as much love and understanding as possible to get through these hard times. Take care. xoxox Beth

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sammy I am so sad that you are having such a difficult time right now. I am sad that you are losing a supportive friend. you sure are dealing and facing with so much losses of people.

It is hard to believe it has been 2 months. This is all so fresh. I am glad you are able to cry about it. At least you get the relief of tears. I am sad that the divorce is going at a snails pace.

I hope you are taking as good of care of yourself as you can. You need alot of TLC. You need the treatment, lots of good things for you alone. I do not know if you have self comforting things you do in times like this. I hope you will find alot of kind and calmning things to do for yourself. Big hugs.

 

[Sammy]

Baseball. Watch lots of baseball. ;)

Yeah, lots of loss. Throw in therapy heading into the some of the darkest aspects of my life and I am feeling exhausted. I know it will all be OK in the long run. The therapy will be helpful (has already - he keeps warning me that it is going to take time. Lots of time).

Once the divorce is over, that will be a good thing. I will be able to breathe and heal. It is true - it is hard to heal past traumas when you are not feeling safe. I am not feeling safe and I have so much healing to do. I haven't been sleeping well but my T says it is because I (my subconscious) am working on things at night. It does make the days difficult. I am trying to be forgiving of myself and remind myself of the blessings I do have - this forum for one. One of the hardest parts in all of this has been going from working full time to not being able to work. So many traumas happened so long ago and I just kept moving forward.

Looking back, I can see the effects of PTSD for many,many years. I just didn't know what it was. Then I moved, there were other losses and it was as if my world imploded. Everything came tumbling down. I know I have been a Jenga game for a long time and the last log was finally pulled out. Too many holes to remain standing. It took a long time for me to topple - it is going to take time to rebuild and I am not/will not be the same person.

I just hope I can be a better person. I feel so collapsed, if that makes sense. It is hard to see tomorrow much less next week or month. I have always been a planner and I just can't any more. Learning to live life as it comes is a new deal and I am not dealing well. I feel like so many holes have been punched through my heart and soul. They hurt so much, I just don't know how to continue moving forward. I don't know if I want to.

 

[Sammy]

Lately I find myself thinking a lot about death. I find myself making funeral plans for myself. It is weird because I really don't think I am suicidal. I am angry, depressed, lonely and life feels pointless but I have been making lists of things that I want to go to certain people, songs I want sung at the funeral. I am going to have to talk to my therapist about this when I see him later this week. I have been thinking about a will and that I need to make one. It kind of scares me.

I miss my friend who moved. There is really no one I consider a close friend here any more. No one I feel like I can talk with. I have a support network but they aren't people I am likely to call. Some support. Support in name only, I guess. I have all the professionals just no friends. New Englanders are such a closed bunch. Even though I have lived here 6 years, I am still an outsider. I guess I will always be an outsider.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Sammy:I know how you feel, exactly. I don't know if its latent suicidal feelings or a part of you/ me that is dying. I felt that way a lot and then I actually came out of very deep denial about sexual abuse in my family. Its been over 25 years and I have had the most discombobulating 3 months of my life- period. Its been sooo painful and sometimes I can't imagine carrying on. Before I realized this I felt exactly like you do plus I was crying all of the time. I didn't know how unwell I was and now that I have come out of denial its like I sort of feel the same way but at least I know why.

Now, I am just trying to get through the days; waiting on treatment; and hoping that there is no more memories or flashes before I get there (if I do). I don't know what to say because sometimes I am in so much pain its unbearable and I have a hard time not wanting to die. Maybe its the " mourning stage". Sure helps, for me, to have faith, and I do. I believe in god (jesus) and he holds me. But that's just for me and I don't honestly know how people get through this shit without some belief or hope in a higher power. Anyway, I feel ya Sammy. Have faith; maybe a part of you is dying, and hopefully something lighter and more healed will replace that part. Peace!

 

[squirtsmom]

Sammy I know its hard I think at some point we all felt alone or saddened. I hear you loud and clear. It is not easy to live for yourself. I know it must seem like there is no hope I been there and still to this day have times where I still feel alone and not wanting to go on.

But you like me needs to find that courage, self determination, and will power to keep going on no matter what life has dealt us. I know it is hard believe I do. I struggle with those thoughts daily and I hope that things start turning around for you.

May you find the peace of mind and sense of peace to know that others love you and would miss you. Know that it may be a lot to handle right now but I am hoping the best for you. If ok, {{{{{HUGS}}}}} gently to you.