Don't Even Want To Be Happy Anymore.

[KvE]

I don't even want to be happy anymore. Being happy, having a really good day just makes me feel that much worse when everything comes crumbling apart again. Everything crumbles and crashes down and I always make the mistake of trying to make everything okay again. Then once everything is okay and stuff starts going well it happens again but it is always worse than the time it was before.

Everything came crashing down again last month. This month I didn't have enough money for bills and rent, let alone food. Like always I made it work. I wish I hadn't. I would rather be homeless again. I want to curl up in my spot under the boardwalk. I actually feel safer there than I ever have anywhere else. That was my spot every time I ran away from a bad foster home. That was my spot after I turned 18 and "aged out" of the foster care system and was given a Jack Johnson CD and told good luck and happy birthday. It was 11:30 PM the night before I turned 18.

I know I am depressed and that is why I am thinking this way. I stopped taking my cymbalta because it makes me feel better. I know that is what it is suppose to do but it doesn't help me when everything comes crashing down like it always does. What is the point in being happy when it just makes me feel so much worse?

I know this is basically just a rant but I really needed to get it out. Sorry.

 

[Abrasky]

I feel so sad with you that you find it hard to be happy. PTSD can make all the emotions messed up a bit, but taking away the happiness part is the hardest one I think.

I wasnt' happy for many years, then one day 13 years into therapy I smiled for the first time again not a smile that had nothing behind it. Happiness was a trigger for me to.

It sounds like you have had a rough journey and your post reminds me of a quote. "Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs" -Malcom Stevenson Forbes

I hope you can see one day sometimes crumbling and pressure as a positive thing which makes diamonds, which you seem like a lot.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I do very much understand it is hard to have happiness for a tiny bit. However, it isn't really happiness (for me) it is hope. Hope makes it hard when things fall apart again. We (PTSD sufferers) don't have the coping skills to deal with the roller coast of emotions and life a lot of the time..imho.

I wish I could make it better for you. All I can tell you is that I do understand and to hang in there and give you a gentle (((hug))) of encouragement if you can stand being touched (I am not so good at it). Wishing you well, wisdom and understanding.

Peace (as one of my friends says)
Angela

 

[KvE]

Thanks a lot. I like that diamond quote. I use to be able to believe that. After I turned 18 I had a rough year until I got it together so I could take care of my younger brother and sister. No matter how bad stuff got I stayed positive for them. They were teenagers at the time 15 and 16. I use to say that I was going to take every bad thing that happened in my life and turn it positive so that the people who did those bad things to me wouldn't win. I used being in foster care and all the bad stuff that happened while in it to me and my siblings to fuel me to make a not-for-profit that focuses on helping those who are close to turning 18 and those who have. I spoke at events, did newspaper articles and radio shows, plenty of interviews to bring attention to what HAS to be changed in the foster care system. Some stuff did change but not enough. In the year I had received my G.E.D, and two vocational certificates and starting working at my local hospital on the neuro-surg floor. My brother and sister were doing well.

Then I got sick. Now 12 surgeries later I am sicker than I was when I started. I have lost all of my vision and on very lucky days I can sit up instead of laying in bed. I had to stop working. I had to stop taking classes. I handed my not-for-profit over to my VP. All because I could barely go a month without being in the hospital and it was always the shortest stay being 2 weeks and the longest just under two months. Me working like crazy is what kept me from thinking about the bad stuff that happened as a kid but with not being able to do anything and having to spend that much time in the hospital it all came back. Part of me wants to get back to where I was mentally. It wasn't perfect but at the end of the day I felt good. I knew I had accomplished something. I would look around my very tiny apartment and see my brother and sister laughing and happy. The other part I guess just doesn't care anymore. That's probably the depression talking though.

I guess this turned into another long rant post. This is the point where I second guess posting and delete it but I am going to post anyways. Sorry again for another rant.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's not a rant KvE,
-Hugs

 

[KvE]

Thanks. I think I am going to start taking my Cymbalta again. My little brother(20) lives with me and we had a long talk. I don't care when my depression only effects me but now it's making my brother sad. He also has CPTSD like me. We went through a lot of the stuff together as kids. I tried to protect him though. I still do so I am going to try getting back on my meds for him.

 

[Panama Pete]

KvE,

First of all, no apologies are needed or required. Also, people tend to feel a whole lot better after they vomit, and brother you sure did vomit out a big old mess there. That is not a complaint, just an observation. Glad to be here to help mop it up. Please, if the doc tells you to take something, then "TAKE THE DAMN PILL" :) Smile, bro, we are here to help. No one here is going to judge you, or think bad about you, and if someone does, so what? The idea here is how do YOU get better. The first step in this is to identify you have a problem (done), second is to realize you need help to deal with it (done) third is to ask for help (done, you are here after all), fourth is to deal with it (in progress) and last is to live your life (also in progress). As you can see, you are further on the road to recovery than you realized.

Also, you need to remember that just about everyone on this site suffers from PTSD in one form or another. The rest are either caregivers, people who are interested in the subject for whatever reason (there was a girl the other day doing research for her Masters degree), and the occasional troll. Because there are so many of us, it should be easy to remember that you are NOT alone in this and there are a lot of us out here, and if all parts of the world (I am from the US, but live in Panama). We all got it in our own unique and special ways, but that does not mean that one had it easier or worse than another. We ALL had it EQUALLY bad, just different.

Another thing to remember is that some of us, myself included, suffer from physical ailments too. These may or may not be connected to the event(s) that caused the PTSD, but that is not important. Please feel free to look up some of my other posts and you will see some of my physical problems listed there too. The thing that is important about the physical ailments in this is to understand how one can affect the other. I now when I am physically having a bad day it is more likely my PTSD is going to make its presence known too. That is why you need to get back on the meds. They will help you be able to deal with this better.

Now, I have to say that I am NOT a mental health professional. I am a retired Army Sergeant. Still, have you thought that maybe the swings between "high" and "low" might be you are also bipolar? Like I said, I am NOT a mental health professional, but it is just a thought. If it is, that is something they can help you with too. Please talk with a mental health professional and ask about it. I may be way off, but better safe than sorry. If you are, then that might be (probably is, if you have it) affecting your CPTSD. Getting a definitive answer is probably something you might want to consider.

The main thing I want to impart to you in this long post is that you are not alone in what you are going thru. We all got it in our own way, and it affects us in a multitude of different ways, but we all still got it. There are always people here that will listen.

<Added full space between paragraphs>

 

[Abrasky]

I think it is a great sign that you are going back on your antideppressants if you think you need to be on them right now. I know what it is like to be on antideppressants, it isn't great, I was on them for 6 years.But I needed to be on them so it was good I was on them to give me a little holiday from the intensity of the PTSD. But if you find a therapist and work on your issues you may be able to at least hope to take lower doses or none at all one-day. It doesn't have to be a sign of permancy, it can be a sign that you are caring for yourself when you need to.

I think you have lost a lot, and I feel bad that you have your sight effected. I also have a dysfunctioning body part too, my pancreas doesn't work anymore. Not fun pretending to be a pancreas taking insulin needles 6 times a day and passing out from hypos and it doesn't work too good to replace what my pancreas did. But sometimes I feel very lucky too, because of the things I do have. I have my son, and I have a great ability to make the nicest apple pie ever. Sometimes it is a comforting thought what I do have. You sound like you have a GREAT brother who loves and cares for you. YOu obviously care about your siblings to go back on the antideppressants for them. What a lovely quality to be so considerate. So that is comforting to me. Take care.

Also you have valid concerns, I think it is good to talk about them.:)

 

[KvE]

Cymbalta is a pain to start and stop. So I don't feel that great right now. I have a therapist I started seeing him twice a week about a month ago because the nightmares and flashbacks were getting worse. I didn't see him at all last week because "I was to depressed to go to therapy." Has to be one of the funniest excuses I think I have ever come up with but it's true. I see him tomorrow and I plan on going this time. We have been discussing starting EMDR but I am not sure that is something I want to do yet. Honestly I am kinda scared. I have been doing research on it though.

I am not bipolar. I have depressive disorder NOS. When I take my meds I normally do all right. When I don't well I get really depressed.

I do have some good things in my life. I have my little brother. We are both going through this together and we take care of each other. I have some of the most amazing friends online. I play a couple of online games and have met some of the most amazing people.

Thanks everyone who read and replied. Even though my brother and I are going through this together I don't usually vent to him or let him know what I am thinking or feeling. I am his big sister. I have to be strong for him. I am glad I have found some place to be able to talk to others who know what I am going through and to know I have support when I break down like I did. Thanks a lot.

 

[Zef]

KvE,
Nothing really good to say, except that I'm pretty much in the same place. Happiness feels so stupid, just sets you up for the crash.

Thanks for sharing, I hope that it will let others not feel alone when they are going through the same thing.

 

[Panama Pete]

One thing I have learned in my journey in dealing with my physical ailments and PTSD is that medicine is only partly science, it's a little bit art too. Especially when dealing with the psyche. That being said, it may take the docs a few tries to get your meds just right for you. Hang in there and they will get it exactly right for you in time.

BTW, I have seen the Cymbalta commercials on TV and have been thinking about discussing it with my docs. I have a fairly decent amount of constant physical pain thanks to all my physical problems. While it has become like an "old friend" to me because I have had it for over 20 years, this is one relationship I think I might like to end. If you would please, send me a message and let me know how it has worked for you. If you don't want to, that is ok too and I understand.