Don't Get Too Close

[Justmehere]

My therapist said something simple yesterday that struck me deeply. It started when she shared that therapy first freaked her out too. She said I was getting better, and she believes I still will keep getting better.

Then she said, "even if you don't get better, I will STILL be here for you..."

And I suddenly felt panicky. It was easy to tell her, as we have had light hearted banter about how I have a hard time tolerating closeness in the past - in a serious/joking way.

She had said that she really meant it.
I quickly replied, "I know, and it sorta freaks me out!"
"Ok, ok... I know, I'm sorry, too close, too close!"
And we both were giggling.

From there we had a pretty in depth discussion about healing attachment wounds and how trauma fits in and where it doesn't and what I can do on my own and what will help in therapy...

The thing is, I think she really does mean it, and I think I do know that, and I am scared of it and yet, it makes me like have such positive feelings for her. Like... damn... I really wanted that kind of acceptance for so much of my life and it wasn't there. I want to curl up and hold that moment of acceptance forever.

I know I need to keep moving, keep pushing... Keep processing trauma...

Last night, after the session, I had massive nightmares about my parents and their many abandonments and people in my adult life who have abandoned me.

I am so confused. Such tangible unconditional acceptance feels good and scary and so painful and so unfamiliar. Do I sound totally crazy?

 

[Tinyflame]

No not crazy at all. (((((((@Justmehere ))))))))).

Kind of amazing too the idea of being accepted (or 'acceptable') without being 'all better' (yet). :wideeyed:

:hug:

 

[arfie]

You sound -- dare I say it???? The N-word??? -- NORMAL...

Learning to trust is confusing stuff. It rubs hard against all of the reasons trust comes so hard.

Let the healing begin.

 

[Wen]

Doesn't sound crazy at all, especially considering what you have dealt with in your past. Feeling abandoned throughout your life, and especially from your parents makes if very very difficult to trust people. You want to believe someone who says they are there for you no matter what, but you have been let down so many times that it's understandable that it scares you. I didn't have that problem with my parents, but I certainly did in my relationship, especially my ex husband, ex fiance and even my current husband. Like you, the idea of someone always being there no matter what gives me that moment of happiness and security, but then I'm racked with doubt and fear that it really wont last. Hell, in the last year I've had a few friends tell me they would always be there for me and I can always depend on them. But I guess when they said "always" it meant a few weeks or months. But I know (logically) it's not always going to be like that with everyone. Of course in my life, my mind functions on 99% emotions and usually kicks "logic" to the curb, lol.

Trust me, I understand your fear of getting to close, but maybe after time those unfamiliar and painful feelings will lessen. Try to enjoy the positive feelings as much as you can, you deserve it.

 

[Fadeaway]

Yup, sounds as normal as can be too me. It is different, it is going to feel weird, but weird doesn't mean wrong.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the feedback and encouragement everyone!!!

@Junebug - it is amazing!

@arfie - normal! Lol. I'm usually so far from normal

@Wen - I hope it gets easier for both of us!

@Fadeaway - thank you for the reminder. It is so strange, so weird... I really hope it becomes my new normal over time.