Don't Hold Back Or Keep Secrets In Therapy

[Jade-]

Yesterday morning during my therapy session I told my T a 'secret' that I had been holding back basically my entire life. It was something that I have never told anyone before, something I've never written about on this forum....something I would never even allow myself to think about and definitely not something I ever considered sharing.

It had been eating at me. It was on my mind 24/7. It was causing so much anxiety and loss of sleep. I knew I had to get it out, once and for all. Just thinking about telling my T. made everything worse, so much that I knew if I felt that horrible just 'thinking' about telling him there was no way that I would be able to ever bring it up and live through it.

I sat there, trying to work up the courage to tell him. I started to panic, started wishing I would just die. I actually felt like I would rather die than tell him because dying seemed like an easier thing to do.

I finally blurted it out. My heart started pounding and I felt so dizzy I thought I would faint...I started thinking "OMG, why did I just tell him that".....but then, I started to calm down. The anxiety started to subside...and I started thinking "OMG, I finally told him".

I can't believe how much better I felt after I calmed down. I can't believe how much better I feel today. I didn't realize what a burden that secret was or how much it had been holding me back in life until I let it out. I had felt the same way about alot of secrets that I had been keeping, but this secret...was different....it was the secret of all secrets.

I have read many times on this forum about keeping secrets...and I thought that just telling most of them would be good enough. So not true...it's not good enough, you really do have to get rid of every single one of them.

My point is, don't hold back or keep secrets in therapy. What you think isn't hurting you, really is. What you think you will eventually work out on your own, you won't. What you think you could never share, you can. And once you do get rid of them, you'll be amazed at how much better and stronger you feel.

 

[Heather]

good for you Jade.....it reminds me of that saying I like so much "you're only as sick as your secrets" my mother doesn't want me to talk about to anyone what my brother-in-law did to me. She's more concerned with preserving how things look. Screw her. I'm not concerned with image. I'm concerned with the truth and mine and my daughter's safety.

When a boy at my daughter's school kissed her and she was upset about it my mother said to me don't make a big deal about. Meanwhile my poor daughter is at home in the b.r. freaking out. Hystericaly crying and wiping her lips saying, " I can't get it off! I can't get it off!" You better believe I made a BIG FAT F$%CKING DEAL OF IT!!!!!

Thanks Jade for writing this. I have to remember this post for when I feel bad for all the crap that's gone on in my family and remember why I did what I did and the reasons behind it.

 

[Jade-]

I'm concerned with the truth

"The truth shall set you free" is a saying I like to remember.

The reason I was keeping the secret was to protect myself, not realizing that I have actually been hurting myself by keeping it. Now that I have let it out, not only will it help me in the long run, but I believe it's going to help everyone that's a part of my life, in an indirect way.

I'm glad my post has helped you Heather....I'm glad you're more concerned with the truth than protecting anyone's image.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jade,

Wow, what you did was amazing. Hopefully, I will be able to face all of the trauma and feel safe enough for my memories to return. Right now they are lying somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain growing like a cancer.

Your post gives me a lot of hope.

Debbie

 

[atl22]

Jade, thanks for the thread. It made me re-think my plan of NOT telling about some of my traumas. I was making a list of stuff to avoid and not talk about and thinking of a way to do it. Just pick the worst ones and forget the rest. That's not going to work.

I stupidly started to make a list of traumas and it got so long and I was doing ok but then it just hit me suddenly '"damn, this is my life, this is me, how do I get over this?" How do you put screams in a box? I started to throw up and I have been nauseous ever since.

Therapy is coming up soon, tap tap tapping at my door. I am afraid of breaking down and I am afraid to tell the truth.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((atl22))))))))))))

Please don't be afraid of breaking down or telling the truth... When you are able to do both, that is the start to profound healing. You've not been safe enough to do that. In therapy, you will be.

I understand your profound question, "How do you put screams in a box?"
You don't, you gently put your traumas and screams into the caring hands of those who want to help you heal.

Sending gentle encouragement from my heart to yours,
Deer

 

[KP the nut]

JB, you brave, amazing person. It took great courage to tell your secret.

I admire your courage.

KP

 

[Jade-]

I was making a list of stuff to avoid and not talk about and thinking of a way to do it.

That's what I did too. I thought if I just picked the worst ones, that would be ok. But you know what? The ones I was avoiding and the ones I thought weren't so bad turned out to be the ones that needed to be talked about the most. Just because I thought they weren't so traumatic didn't mean they weren't. Sometimes what we consider 'smaller' ones affect us as much as, or even more than, what we consider the big ones.

I'll be honest, I'm feeling pretty crappy today from what I told my T. on Monday, but I still feel so much better than what I did before I told him. I just feel stronger....I feel like that wall that was there before was torn down, like I can finally get some control over it, instead of it controlling me. This is a gross analogy, but you know that feeling when you have the flu and you know you're gonna puke, but you don't want to? And you fight it and fight it and then when you finally do puke, you feel so much better? That's what it feels like.....I needed that verbal puking I guess.(sorry atl, I know you said you started throwing up and have been nauseous, but that's the only way I could describe it)

 

[Tinyflame]

Like, 'On with a new and better life..'

 

[cherryblossom]

Jade

I can't tell you how happy I am to read this thread. Sincerely well done. I hope every single person, who is worried about speaking out, and talking about their trauma reads this, and follows your example. "Fall out", after 'sharing' a secret is normal, and to be expected. But that will pass, and will never be so bad as the secret eating away for years on end.
I'm so very proud of you JB. Big Hugs!!

 

[Jade-]

Thanks CB...you're such a good cheerleader.

 

[Nicolette]

Jade well done!

I think it important that it be noted that 'speaking out' involves life as well & not just therapy. We need to be honest & truthful with ourselves & those around us as sometimes that added information can make a world of difference.

Personally I kept a family secret for 22 years in order to protect my brother & mother. I ended up blurting it out in an argument with my brother when he was trying to help my son's dad get custody as they were jealous of my financial achievements - saying I was more interested in money than my son yet his father wasn't providing child support so I worked hard to provide for us.

Anyway, while revealing the secret cost me my relationship with my brother it also set me free from the weight I had been carrying from being a child through to adulthood. It was sad, it was hard but it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself as the burden was gone! With no burden of carrying secrets, life is easier to live IMHO.