Don't know how to talk about it

[minipedes]

I don't have a best friend or a partner or anyone I feel is truthful when they say I can talk to them. I am not sure if that's a matter of me avoiding human connection or if it's a genuine read of the people I surround myself with... I just haven't told anyone any details, or anything beyond a vague "Something happened." There's no space for me to talk about it. I don't want to just message someone out of the blue telling them every detail.

There's no space for that in anyone's lives, let alone mine. I don't know how that's fair or how I'm supposed to cope. I just have to sit with this feeling, knowing I can't speak of what happened to me and watch the world spin like mine hasn't been stopped for years. It's suffocating. I just don't know how to be a person or how to find people I can truly trust/lean on. I feel so stuck and alone

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry it's so hard at the moment.
It's a horrible place to be.

The usual question of: do you have a therapist?
Can you practice telling them? Or a crisis line?

Friends do say: I'm here if you need me. And as lovely and as well intentioned as that is, when we first start speaking about our trauma it comes out in a traumatised way. And friends may struggle sometimes to respond and hold that in a way that helps us.

The first person I told about being raped (not that I used that word) was on a crisis line. And that helped a lot. As they used the word rape. And it helped me to think about words and ways of telling.
(Which took me a long time to do).

It's frustrating this feeling of being silenced and holding all of this.


But it gets better.

 

[Friday]

I don't have a best friend or a partner or anyone I feel is truthful when they say I can talk to them. I am not sure if that's a matter of me avoiding human connection or if it's a genuine read of the people I surround myself with...

There have been a lot of times in my life where that’s absolutely true, even when the people in my life are amazing/stellar/brilliant/loving/devoted… they’ve given me no indication that they can be trusted with certain parts of my life, or have even clearly shown they cannot be.

There have been other times in my life, where I absolutely can trust certain people, but I’m not willing to risk A-Z (our relationship, the fallout, privacy, control, employment, etc., etc., etc.,).

That’s what makes a highly trained professional, or peer-to-peer, so durn valuable in my experience.

Because it doesn’t matter if I’m entirely on my own, surrounded by assholes, surrounded by amazing people, or can’t trust my own judgement. They’re resources to call on outside of my real life.