General Don't know if this is normal.

[abandon455]

I've recently been diagnosed with developmental / PTSD , if you've read my posts you know i've been going through a break up. but I've been going feelings and thoughts i don't know if there normal. ever since i was young, i never felt i belonged and that everyone would eventually leave. with her when i noticed slow distance she was putting she would deny it and put it off to something else. but i started to ask her would you be happy if i just vanished? and i started thinking about just running and changing who i was or going missing one day and that it would make everyone happy, she would say no or don't say that. she told me that no matter what she was my family. then she slowly she wanted a break then broke it off then slowly became more and more distant. now it's been 5 days and haven't heard anything and 4 months other then texting since i've seen her. it makes my mind scream that i should of ran or how messed up do i have to be that the person i was going to marry or told everything. tells me she can't see or call me and feel uncomfortable with it or being told if i approached her she would tell me to leave her alone. it makes me feel evil or a monster or so broken that even the person i loved can't bear the sight of me and left, so something must be wrong with me. so I've isolated and i don't go anywhere and I've been in therapy since it started. i've become afraid to be around people and take out of my way routes to avoid seeing her or other people. i project that i'm okay in my classes but i know i'm not. my mind screams just to run away and to not hurt anyone and it's better if i stay away and let other people be happy. that's why i used to ask her if she wanted me to vanish because i felt she would be happyer without me and her leaveing and slowly cutting me off and it going to silence has reinforced these thoughts and feelings and my mind screams see you should of ran away.

 

[Friday]

it makes me feel evil or a monster or so broken that even the person i loved can't bear the sight of me and left, so something must be wrong with me.

Nope. Not normal.

Extreme overreaction to being broken up with.

my mind screams just to run away and to not hurt anyone and it's better if i stay away and let other people be happy. that's why i used to ask her if she wanted me to vanish because i felt she would be happyer without me and her leaveing and slowly cutting me off and it going to silence has reinforced these thoughts and feelings and my mind screams see you should of ran away.

Ditto... extreme overreaction... this makes about as much real world sense as if someone taking your order at a restaurant thought they should just kill themselves because you said you didn’t want fries with your burger. That way, they'd never have asked you if you wanted fries, and you’d never have had to say no, and they should really just go slit their wrists right now and save everyone the trouble of their existence.

 

[shimmerz]

Developmental issues will do this. Attachment stuff is hard for us. Your reaction is pretty standard when having attachment issues.

Do you have a therapist that knows attachment theory stuff? That would be my next step from the sounds of what is happening.

 

[abandon455]

Yes, i’ve been seeing my threapist for 4 months now. I needed to walk away from the forum for a day after reading friday’s comment. Made me feel more not normal. It’s scary to me, because having someone i was so close to regardless of reason or how long ago. Tell me that if i approached them would tell me to leave them alone or that there uncomfortable around me so much so they won’t see or call me makes me feel like i’m bad. Even if it’s a bs excuse or a real one being told that hurts alot and having someone that close to me tell me they feel that way and leave. makes me afraid of being close to anyone and that by staying in my bunker no one else has to deal with me or me burden them.

 

[grit]

Hi abandon
I am terribly sorry you are suffering so deeply. This is real heartbreak and you are abandoned and isolated with your intention or with reinforcement from your ex. I am reading your pain and can hear your scream. I think you used that word many times. I do not know what will make you feel safe but you are not feeling it now. You are super afraid.

You have the right to feel this. It is an old wound probably from when tyou were an infant something happened to make belief this feeling in your body.

Let it out cry really good really deep and keep up your therapist.

Thinking of you and hope truly you find strength within u.

 

[EveHarrington]

Well the truth is that MOST relationships fail and/or end. Knowing this helps me because I can sit here and say ok, the chances of finding a partner/friend for life are pretty slim. People grow apart, life circumstances change, etc. If you go into relationships thinking they are going to be forever? Of course the end will be 10x more devastating.

 

[abandon455]

i think the hard part is, is how it went and ended. talking about marriage, taking her to work that day and getting into a dumb argument three months ago and talked about seeing a movie together the following week would be the last time i seen her or got a call. then it went to a break to a break up and now don't talk at all. it's hard to grasp someone i spoke to everyday and saw every week for 2 years, now tells me she's to uncomfortable to see or call me and if i approached her she'd tell me to leave her alone and blocked me on facebook and took me off spotify and never got to even talk about anything it was just over. and no matter what i tried from counseling, to calling to taking her on a amazing day got rejected and got me yelled at or wasint good enough. it makes me feel terrible and ask what makes me so awful that i can't even get a call or if i approached her even to say hi i'd be told to leave her alone. it's hard to hear that from someone three months ago was calling me the love of her life and that no matter what she was my family, to treating me like i killed someone.