@Ava Jarvis said this very well.
2. When someone tells us that we hurt them, we should acknowledge that they are hurt and not make the situation about us.
@lostforgottensoul, you responded:
Which i would of done if i was told!
But
@lostforgottensoul - you were told. Here's you being told:
I don't think that people understand how much off topic posting can indeed hurt the OP. Do you realize how horrible it feels to not only put yourself out there and ask for help for such a sensitive topic and then have your own voice drowned out like you don't matter? It SUCKS! It hurts, and I feel like why did I bother? Why did I ask for help when I it feels like I'm not in the room anymore?
@lostforgottensoul I am asking you nicely to not post in my thread anymore.
These are the facts: there had been a clear request to not go off topic, after the thread has gone off course with many voices. The request, though, was quite clear. You then make a post that says, quote: "I know this is OT, but..." and go on to be off-topic. It didn't happen right away, but it happened. You were in the wrong, period. Whatever your reasons were - they don't trump the boundary that was put down.
Sometimes others just want to be heard.
And sometimes, your way of empathising is mistaken as drawing attention to yourself, and away from the other person (I know thats not the case, just how someone in a bad state themselves may view it)
This, above, should be the big take-away for you, here - not that you are always abandoned, but instead that, sometimes, it is OK to just say that you understand. Connection can come from listening; it doesn't have to always be rooted in sharing.
Im not venting about her, im expressing my pain.
No. You're venting about her. You might not know it, but you are. This is a statement of blame, right here:
Im done! People say they are there for you and it's all a f*cking lie as the first time you f*ck up then they are gone. I am human, I do make mistakes too and I am also hurting as well but I push my hurts aside to hear the hurts of others but none of that matters. Im not even given the chance to appologize and explain?
This is honestly hard for me to believe:
I do know this is about me and my issue and i also advised publically and privately that i accidently didnt check the anonymous box because i was replying fast while multi tasking did that by mistake but still appopogized if it made her feel exposed (even though I didnt advise whom the person was) i didnt name names/threads because this is 100% about me.
If you were actually concerned, you could have taken a number of actions; the biggest one, being to report your post and ask it to be anonymized. Now, things were clearly flying fast and furious for you, which is absolutely a thing that can happen. But: this is a pattern of behavior that you have shown on the site with some regularity. You say you're bowing out of a thread, then you come back.
The problem compounds because
@EveHarrington, you did this as well:
Intentions mean nothing when you end up walking all over people. I'm not discussing this any further. I wasn't even going to reply but people already know who you're talking about. I refuse to feel guilty for setting reasonable boundaries in my threads and then walking away when those boundaries are completely disregarded.
Two things for you to take away: one, your instinct to not reply was correct; it is not necessary for you to defend yourself, here. And two: if you were refusing to feel guilty, you'd not have posted this at all. In other words, you took on the role that
@lostforgottensoul cast you in, in this thread - I'd like you to recognize that, and understand that, the next time you put a boundary down - for anyone - you don't also have to prepare to go into battle to defend it. In fact, it's not going to help your own healing, if you do.
@lostforgottensoul - whether you see it or not, this is what happened: you were shocked and upset when Eve asked you to not post in her thread. You sent her some quick messages that appeared to be driven by some panic, a need to understand what happened. When those were not replied to, you came here - and as you said in your OP, you didn't really care who figured out who you were, and assumed everyone would know, even though:
BTW, I have no idea what thread we are all talking about .... and don't want to know. I have healing to do. I don't have time for drama distraction stuff.
This was the case for most people. So much so that one poster thought you were someone completely other than you.
I was working on a response to you this morning, before I went to work. When I came back this evening, everything had blown up.
But here is what I meant to say:
Every exchange is a 2-way street. No one person is more or less responsible than another. The only thing that counts, in my opinion, is
how we process interactions that don't go as we would have liked, so that we can carry some more information about ourselves forward. It's not about learning that the whole human race rejects us. It's about learning from our own behavior.
I dont know another person that has caused their entire family to hate them, make all and any friends leave, make all people that they've reached out to online leave, my ex couldnt deal with my issues and thats how he excused being abusive and cheating on me (i left him but i still count that), cant seem to gain a boyfriend as once they hear of or see my issues they find some reason to leave or just go black (dont answer calls or text). And it really does go on.
I'm going to reframe this so that it's a little more neutral. You are saying that you don't know another person who:
- has had extreme conflict and lost relationship with family
- has been unable to sustain relationships with friends
- has been unable to sustain online relationships
- has been unable to sustain healthy romantic relationships
- feels like they are the broken one, the problem in all the equations.
I can tell you: there are many, many people who fit this description. They are people who are also managing Borderline Personality Disorder. This, right here, is the core symptom set. You're not alone. But it's a lonely thing to have. Interpersonal communication is extremely hard for you. In the time you've been on this board, you've come a long way - but, you are still very easily set off, and when you start to spin out, you spin out big.
I give you a lot of latitude because I can see that you are working hard within the stuff you are dealing with. But over the last few weeks, you've been thread-banned repeatedly for not being willing to let things go, or for simply forgetting that there's been a request to stay on-topic.
@lostforgottensoul, you are temp-banned for three days. I'm going to send you a PC with some specific guidelines that you'll need to follow when you return. My intention is for them to be useful and practical, not restrictive.
I understand that this entire post will likely set off a very reactive response. I know you don't like having your words quoted back at you, and I know that you will probably want to put this in the context of being another situation where someone is abandoning you. That's not the case. I'm looking forward to you coming back after some time away,to get some balance and de-emphasize the importance of this forum in your life, so that you can regulate your responses to conflict here more effectively.
@EveHarrington, you are also temp-banned for three days. I want to publicly acknowledge that you've been consistently forthright with me in PC about times that you've recognized a blow-up after the fact - even regarding this specific incident here, you had contacted me. You described this situation as broken and unfixable. You may still feel that way after a few days; it is my hope that you don't, that you can take the lessons learned here and feel good about applying them going forward.
This thread will remain locked. If anyone would like further explanation/clarification of my thinking, they are free to ask me directly either via PC or in the help desk.
