Double Blade Of Genders

[Abendroth]

Hello, I'm new to this site mainly on here due to my psychologist recommended it, from what I've seen it looks fairly good in the sense of advice.

The Start
I can see no way other to put this so forgive my bluntness my nan was a sexual sadist. From the age of 4-6 she would often enjoy inflicting pain mixed with sexual pleasure. It varied from being half drowned in the bathtub to sexual penetration same with pins going in places they shouldn't I'd say more but I hope that makes sense of what a sexual sadist is she got charged and sent to jail for a couple of years when I was 13 it was two weeks close to my birthday and my friends all wanted to go to a gig my mum highly disliked the idea but providing I answered my mobile and meet her out the front at 10pm it was ok it was an all age gig. I was dressed nicely not sexual at all decent length skirt shirt and a jumper with boots. Well some of my so called friends ended up making out with unknown men/boys by the time I got out of the bathroom due to my past I highly hated people touching me (hated hugs or general affection) unless I trusted them and I don't trust easily. My friend ran off on the group when this was happening I was worried for her and went looking I got told she went off into the park area and I started to panic wondering what the hell she is doing and if she is ok.

So I took it upon myself to look for her as my other friends were too "busy" it was fairly dark couldn't see much by the time I was in the park. I heard boots which I thought good that's my firend. But than they went silent it made the hairs on my neck stand up I went to go back the quickest way I knew and turned around my stomach just dropped this man standing in front of me giving this horrible ominous look. Well I think that's enough detail I got sexually assaulted and stabbed in my side just missing my liver and kidneys. I give credit to the emergency department being kind enough to only give me female nurses and doctors while I was in there recovering. I however from that point never really went out after that besides school became withdrawn I find that I hate women and men equally depending on the person I suppose. But it leaves me feeling useless that I don't have great social skills to make friends.. and still always makes me feel dirty wearing girly clothes.

How can you trust anyone? Once these people have completely shattered you.

This is why I'm scared of being a woman I'm scared that if I wear nice things feel happy and don't have a sign saying f*ck off glued to my head something bad Will happen. Not sure what but something that will put me back into that dark place I was for so many years . I'm only 22 and finally wanting to be comfortable in my own skin but its so hard :(

Any words of wisdom would be terrific thank you for taking the time to read this and sorry for my spelling I'm on my mobile

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Abendroth, welcome to the forum! I think it's good advice from your psychologist to come check this place out. Personally I have found that the people here are very kind and understanding.

I am so very sorry for what you've been through and I can relate. It's really hard to feel good about yourself after having been through so many terrible things.

I noticed you emphasized that you were wearing "decent" clothes and I just wanted to say that that has nothing to do with the chances of you getting sexually assaulted. Women wearing bikinis are just as likely to get assaulted as women dressed in wide, long cloths from head to toe. You did NOT deserve what happened to you and it is NOT your fault. You should be able to feel safe, even if you were running around in nothing but your underwear. Nobody has the right to do things like that.

I am glad that you realise that your nan was a sexual sadist. It sure sounds like she was. I am so sorry she took that out on you, an innocent child.

That said, I wish you the best on your path to healing and hope you will find this website helpful in your process.

 

[Abendroth]

@Snowwhite
You have a valid point with the way I worded things, more or less. Thanks for replying it means a lot regardless.
I say decent due to the fact I haven't dressed feminine since I was 14 in all honesty been a tomboy by heart always but just dress like one now more or less a few mixed up issues in one bundle if that makes sense? I don't think about it everyday it normally hits me when im alone or my weakest moments just like everyone gets that monster in the corner coming out to play with your mind every now and than.

I hope this site is good :D I've heard good things and seen very supportive replies

I wish you the best too Snowwhite :) I hope everything is well in your world.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Welcome to our community :) I second what your psychologist said. This community has been the best support network for me aside from my therapist and psychiatrist. I understand what it's like not to trust, but I hope you can find trust in the people here, as we can empathize and have been/are there too.

My ex stepmom was a sexual sadist, although I've never worded it like that before. She did it all under the excuse of she was "keeping me clean." I was only around 5 years old. I too have also been molested and possibly raped, but all of mine are by family members. Well one was my previously said ex stepmom's son who was an alcoholic. So I understand what it's like not to trust, especially men for me but women too sometimes.

I want to second what SnowWhite said, it was not your fault and no matter how you dress, no one deserves what was done to you. I again too battled with my style of dress when my cousin molested and possibly raped me. I say possibly because my memories of it are unclear and incomplete. You are not alone and I hope you can learn to come here for the support and understanding you need.

Take care of yourself, you deserve happiness!

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! It's a great place here that has really helped me a lot.
I'm so sorry for what you have been through. How awful! I'm glad you are here and are working with a psychologist to heal.

How can you trust anyone? Once these people have completely shattered you.

I have deeply struggled with trust, in huge ways. My trauma as a kid happened at the hands of a person in a position of power, authority, and trust in a helping profession. I wouldn't even do individual therapy at first. I did equine therapy at first because I couldn't trust any therapist enough to be alone in the room with them. Now, I can be alone a room with my therapist and just about anyone else. I got there by taking lots and lots and lots of little steps to risk a little with safer people.

 

[Abendroth]

@FindingMyself88 Thank you for sharing It's good see a lot of people on here who have a psychologist and a psychiatrist who can relate in similar situations, I hope everything in your world is going well now. My psychologist told me to come on this site as I struggle to talk about it. I call it swallowing my pride but it comes from being raised mostly in a manly environment "it's not ok to be weak, don't be spineless, you know the typical stuff...

@Justmehere Yeah, I hated therapist when I was a kid I closed down completely, I thought they were going to get me in trouble with my nan which is on my dad's side of the family and tell her and I'd have to tolerate more things. Thank you, I've only gone to therapy as of this year, I guess I bottle & being stubborn runs on my mum's side of the family haha. As hard as it is I'm hoping it will be worth it due to how much I've been able to swallow down and think about rather... speaking. Apparently writing is helpful hence why I'm using this site.

Thank you both :)