Sexual Assault Doubt... Was I Abused?

[Northgirl]

Young kids explore, totally mormal when close in age...like two 7 year olds. A 9 year old exploring with a 15 year old is NOT normal childhood exploration...and the one to be concerned about is the 15 year old.

Can you explain what you mean by that last statement?

 

[Chava]

Age difference is too great, and especially developmental difference. You were an elementary student and he was a high schooler/adolescent. A lot of victims of abuse feel shame and guilt for one reason or another, even though they are not at fault. And with this age difference you were not responsible....you probably trusted your older brother to understand the world better. That you objected at some point tells me your body knew it was wrong (though you could also sense it's wrong without objecting because this kind of thing can be so confusing for the younger person). You could even google "normal childhood sex play" or something like that. I'm sorry I can't cite anything but even if your brother was mixed up an didn't mean to hurt you, he likely did because this is "red flag" play....not really play but more like you were taken advantage of...I'd call it sexual abuse but I hope there's someone you can talk to directly maybe to sort through some of the feelings. You might want to minimize but it sounds like it's important...I've had several of these one time events that I thought shouldn't matter but they did...they begged for some sort of processing and resolution.

 

[Lucycat]

and the one to be concerned about is the 15 year old.

You have still not explained why you would be more concerned for the 15year old than for the 9 year old?
I also would not suggest anybody Google 'normal childhood sex play', as you might come across all sorts of paedophile websites. It wont necessarily take the word 'normal' into account.

The point here in the original post is that they are siblings. That does not make it acceptable, but there are different 'normal' behaviours between siblings than between other childhood friends of the same ages. This can be because of their upbringing, whether they see each other in the bathroom and maybe naked around the house and how they are taught about sex and sexuality. Their individual family life affects how they react and respond to each other in a very different way than simple friendships.

I still believe that Anthony is right, and the Original Poster has the absolute choice to decide with all the 'evidence' that she has - and we do not - to decide whether or not it was abuse. I still think that regardless of that choice, if these events are having an impact then seeking help through therapy seems a sensible choice.

 

[Chava]

• The age difference is red flag...not my opinion (with the responsibility on the much older child). I won't make a judgement call here but would hope the poster doesn't feel shame or responsibility in this case. Siblings or not doesn't matter. And researching what is with "normal" range is a common concern for parents (and confused survivors in some cases who weren't sure if their play was normal or acting out of trauma...shame can come from either case, even if not warranted in either). I'm not a pedophile so have no problems researching this stuff if concerned (and btw, the results are geared toward exactly these concerns, which many parents have...what falls with the wide range of normal, what might raise "yellow" or "red" flags....relevant stuff). I will use the word "abuse" lightly and let the poster decide. But if I heard of this as a family member or adult in her life at the time I'd be very concerned. 9 and 10 year olds...not so much. 9 and 15...yes, I feel that's a really valid concern.

I'd be concerned for both kids. Meant 15 year old in that I'd put the responsibility on them and want to get that kid some help or direction that would move them clear away from testing adolescent sexual curiosity (or whatever) out on a younger sister. Agree, like I said earlier, that poster should seek some further help processing this if really troubled by it.

 

[Lucycat]

But why are you more concerned for the 15 year old? That is what I don't understand. We have somebody who is worried they might have been abused aged 9, and you replied that you are more concerned for her 15year old brother. Why?[DOUBLEPOST=1405170732,1405170540][/DOUBLEPOST]

I'm not a pedophile so have no problems researching this stuff if concerned

Neither am I a paedophile, but my father is and has been convicted as such. That is why this sends shivers down my spine to think of people looking it up and finding horrific pictures.[DOUBLEPOST=1405170809][/DOUBLEPOST]

Meant 15 year old in that I'd put the responsibility on them

I totally agree with that.

 

[Chava]

Sorry about your father. We can research this stuff without pictures. Whatever I found was many articles geared towards parents. I had looked into once because I was ashamed and confused about some of the things I did when very young...mostly normal play with a bit of probably gaining control over trauma (totally molested and ruined a couple dolls, and wanted to take things a little too far with any interested friends at a pretty young age....which made me feel like a freak for years after). I don't think we should be afraid to learn more about it...in my case helped me feel less ashamed and more compassionate for little girl that I was, trying to gain a sense of control over traumas in ways that are not uncommon for children who have had their body boundaries violated. I did also bring it up with my therapist. I just needed to process the confusing gray areas of some of my memories and was glad I had enough courage to do so because I had formerly been so embarrassed (self-loathing was my default response to every bad or confusing memory and we really aren't capable of being responsible for much when we are so little....some of us just carry those beliefs deeply)