Doubt

[Thinkingman85]

I've held the belief that I'm going to come out a stronger person than I was before the trauma. However, it's been six years and I'm still trying pick up pieces/understand things. Sometimes I wonder if my effort is in vain. Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?

 

[Britt.f7]

I've had that feeling in the past. The first time I went through intense therapy for the PTSD/sexual abuse, I came out of it feeling like a much stronger person. Not cured in the sense we would all like to be, but stronger. That lasted about 20 years give or take, until a series of events caused me to crash again. I'm still waiting and working toward coming out of it strong this time.

You will get there. There is no magic time frame, but one day you will get there.

 

[maddog]

I struggle with this often, I suspect many of us do. When you're in the midst of the battle, it's hard to imagine life on the other side, and when there are no clear timeframes or rules about how it will feel and what it will look like when you get there, it's even harder to hold onto belief in something you can't even define.

As with everything, I don't believe there is any silver bullet. Sometimes we just have to trustin the professionals who guide us on the journey, in the friends and supporters who walk it with us, in ourselves and the faith and survivor instincts that have brought us this far, and in the future...

Sounds all a bit sappy and abstract, but it's all there is sometimes.

Maddog

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the responses. What makes me tend to feel ashamed of myself (even though I don't let myself stay down) is that I behave in a way that I don't want to. It can be emotionally damaging feeling like people see you differently. I do not want to be seen differently. I want to be seen as better. Maybe this is all a metamorphosis and it will work out in the end. Wondering how I got in this state is something that's confusing. It seems like there is going to be so much work that will have to be done. It's like I have to find a way for the world to work for me again. Very tough.

 

[ms spock]

I do feel like that sometimes Thinkingman85.

Particularly the last month has been filled with this feeling.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It does get discouraging sometimes for me. I have been dealing with ptsd since 1985 when I got a diagnosis.

I see that as bad as I feel sometimes, I still get through it. I feel like a bird with a clipped wing. I encourage you to take heart and keep hoping that things will improve for you. Hugs.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm becoming aware that I have to find a balance again without having the urge to lash out at all of the injustice. It's hard because the human aspect of me always wants to act. Hopefully, things will be seen more clearly in time and I will have a solid footing.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Another thing that I realize is that I used to conform more. I think people see me differently because I don't conform as much, which in turn, can make me feel alienated... Just rambling :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am just guessing here, but did you feel alienated as a child? When we begin to change and grow it stirs up feelings and thoughts from the past traumas. Just an idea. That is how it works for me. I hope you will know in your heart that you are going to be ok.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I considered my self a shy kid, but I gradually continued to grow out of it. Because of the traumas, it seems like I reverted back to that state. Like Maddog said, I don't know what it looks like on the other side. It's hard trusting myself again considering I had a breakdown six years ago. It's like you can't get over the thought that people think you're crazy. I hope that I can get better. I'm just going to continue what I'm doing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think you are making perfect sense. I understand what you are talking about, so I do not think anyone can use the excuse that you are crazy. I am sorry you had a breakdown. I am trying to avoid one for me. So I am trying to accept what I think and feel watching out for the stinking thinking that goes along with this disorder. I am doing the best I can. I feel like I am cracking up, and then it passes and goes away. Hang on this is normal for what you have been through.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Stay strong. You can weather the storm. One thing that I have had a problem with most of my life is the feeling that I am weird compared to the average person. I don't know why this feeling has existed. Sometimes the feeling is stronger than other times. Right now, I'm in a strong state. I'll have to look deeper into this because I consider myself a normal person. Confidence will come back when I regain mental stability (processing trauma).