Drained

[GeneWick]

Gunny,
I have a couple of leads in the legal department of the military/VA, plus a friend who's an Air Force Jag. Are you using a civilian lawyer?.....Just so I know.
Let me make a few phone calls tomorrow and I'll get back to you tomorrow evening but (and no promises) I think we may have some help.
You need closure, and FAST. This divorce has gone on too long and is a true Charlie Foxtrot. You are lucky to have a girlfriend who's a nurse and a daughter who's a vet. They are your main support group. If they are willing, and you can, share with them. As my brother said to me when I first told him about my PTSD, "don't shoulder this alone. You have all of us, don't shoulder this alone". Parallel to that, we are here for you too.
Hang in there. There is hope yet!
Don't give up.
-Gene

 

[GunnyMark]

Gene, Thanks for your leg work, I can certan use all of the advice possible. I've been in a high anxiety mode the past few days as tomorow is the first time I hand over my entire retirement check. Since I am unemployed that leaves me with nothing. My paper work contnues to move forward on my service connected disability, knees, back and PTSD. Knees and back were well document in my medical records about my 12th year through retirement.
The divorce has certain gone longer than anyone I talk to can beleive. It IS driving me crazy as it puts me through bad memories and traumatic experiences. I can go from tears and emotions severe sadness to anger in a flash.

Tomorrow morning is going to suck. 20 Years for what. Hey at least they did not take my medals and awards away from me,

Gunny out

 

[GeneWick]

Gunny,

That's what we're here for. All of us, military or civilian, etc. I've had the same experience. I have sat on the couch paralyzed from anxiety, fear and hopelessness.

Moods change in a micro second.

I had an "experience" yesterday at my 3 year old nephew's birthday. I woke up feeling anxious. Had a DESPERATE need to put on my full DCU's. I knew it was PTSD related. I compromised and wore my DCU boonie hat and my regular civies, but all day (and I'm not sure what set it off) I was on a knifes edge. I felt as if anyone even looked at me the wrong way, I would head south.

In any case, let's see what we can do about getting you out of this SNAFU of a divorce with or without the JAG and/or the VA.
I'm here for you. If you need to vent, then do so. I was a forensic dentist for 5 years in the AF and saw WAY too much. I can go on but it's immaterial for now.

Please, vent and elaborate to us and we'll help and support you!

All my best, my brother!

-Gene

 

[GunnyMark]

Gene,
I had a lawyer but given the length of this fiasco he bascally dropped me because I had no more money. NY is one of those states where "the monied spouse" has to pay both sides. I was ordered to move out of my house last January and it was sold by her lawyer and the equity sits in his account. They sold the house for less than I paid for it 15 years ago and for less than I had offered her numerous times. The judge cannot distribute it until he grants a divorce, but he has already said she will get it all. At this point I do not care, I just want a divorce so I can begin healing. I do have some legal questions though. The big issue in this case is that she was not married to me for my entire 20 year career. That gives her one year of medical coverage after divorce. There is a formula call "majuska" which supposed to be used to calculate how much of my retirement she gets. The court knows about it but obviously does not care. Can they really do that? She gets SSD and now that plus my retirement. They base that on the fact that I live with my girl friend and she is an RN so I guess they think she should support me. If the VA grants me any amount of service connected disablity, is that money not supposed to be touched by the court?

OK and now one vent. Sep 3rd is the 7 year anniversary of my dads death. He was a Marine also and actually served under Chesty Puller (Marine's know he was). One the morning of my dad's death his wife called me and said "your dad just died, can you come get me and take me to the hospital" My wife came into the room and asked me what was going on and I repeated "My dad just ded" at which she said F*&^ You he was my dad too, and locked her self in the bedroom. She would not talk to me for days including at the funeral. I even apologised serveral times for sayng that. (sick thng huh) See that has nothing to do with being Bipolar, it's more nacisistic. I cannot get that out of my head as the date is a trigger now. One of hundreds of things that clutter my brain.

 

[GeneWick]

Gunny,

First, I made a bunch of phone calls, internet searches and such between patients. So far all I've see (including the VA's website is EXACTLY what's on the VA's website. Legal help is really only available for trying to get your benefits. I'm still searching and I will keep doing so until I find the help. I am a bit suspicious of law offices that "specialize in veteran's issues. We need to find a pro-bono set up for you. I'll keep working. As for my buddy the JAG, he was totally sympathetic but he was transferred into Intel/ops and spends his time viewing battle plans and making sure they adhere to LOAC and Geneva Conventions type stuff. Nice guy but NO help. Don't give up. I'm still looking and working on it. I WILL get you help in this. As I've said to you before vet to vet, I promise that we will navigate this together.

Next, of course your brain is cluttered. You're shouldering the entire world and you have very few people to talk to.
As for the aniversary of your dad's death, Hang in there. Tomorrow is Sept 1. Talk to me. I'll stay up tonight. Tomorrow and Thursday I will check this site between patients and be on in the evening. But talk to me. Tell me about your dad, tell me how you are feeling and what you are thinking, but talk to me.

Can you talk to your girlfriend and daughter or are they still "un-blooded"? I know from my own experience, that unless they have been through it too, vet or civilian, etc, etc, it's impossible to get things across, never mind the fact that you give up trying. But, use them. Even if they don't understand, vent to them. If you are feeling like you are in a dangerous place then high tail it to the E.R. at the V.A. or at the local Civie hospital.

In any case, talk to me. I'm here. I've been through things and at the very least I can listen.

And yes, I know who Chesty is. "Good Night Chesty.....". I know the saying, but I'll never say it for the simple reason that I respect the marines too much to insult them by invoking the name of their most decorated Member. If I remember correctly he received 5 Navy Crosses. The only one. Lt. Gen, if I recall. Your father must have been an amazing person. It sounds like he was a major and really good influence on you. Tell me about him.

Gene

 

[GunnyMark]

Gene,
My girl friend (Christine) is not only my love, but she has been very supportive and more patient than anyone can imagine. She has been with me for most of this insane dvorce process. Christine and her son's moved in with my daughters and I. She helped me through the one duaghters cutting and attempted suicide. Both daughters began to feel comfotable enought with her that they were able to relay stores of horrfyng things the expereiced with their mother. They would go to her with "woman" issues and both made the comment that Christine had been more of a mother to them in one year than their real mother was their entire lives. She's and RN so she has the practical side when I feel weak for taking meds for depression and anxiety and she ensures I stay on track. She will often see my depression and anxiety begin to take control and will have me get into see my Phsyc or CSW at the VA.
My dad.... for years he would tell the ex wife that if she continued to treat me the way she was that sooner or later I would break and no longer be the all forgiving guy I was. Prior to his death I spent an enormous amount of time with my dad. For two years I took him 50 miles to dialysis every Saturday. We often talked about his pending death and I am glad to have had that close intimate conversatoins with him. He was a proud Marine and prior to his death he gave me his NCO School certificate signed by Chesty himself. What I do know, and this is reinforced by others is, my dad would love Christine. The sole remaining person in my dads family is my uncle Bob who also was a Marine. He and dad went to boot camp together. Uncle Bob loves Chrstine and EVERYONE can see that I am in a good relationship.

I often think if I had left the X long ago, my girls would have been better off. I because so co-dependant ts sickening. Often telling the girls not to upset their mother because she may grab her bag of meds and go OD herself. The way the X used her bipolar disorder as a finely tuned weapon is very visible to me now. I was not till she left the home that the girls dared to share storied of what would happen when I was deployed or in the field. It likens itself to familes with an alcoholic or abuser n them. They hide it with some sick beleif the famil is better with them than without. I was devistated when they told me some of the things that would happen.

I need to log on to my bank now. My gut feels like a deep pit and my hands are shaking over the fact I must transfer away my entire depoist from DFAS. This is the first time and Christine suggested I take Lorazepam this morning.

Once again, thanks Gene and to everyone here.

Mark

 

[amethist]

Hi GunnyMark

I have read your all your posts so far.

May I suggest you start yourself a diary in the main PTSD section, that way it will not get lost in the many new member Introduction posts that will follow on from here. It is all too valuable to be lost in that way.

Take care of yourself, Christine, your girls and her boys.

Amethist

 

[GunnyMark]

Amethist,
I am not sure how to start a diary here. Is it just a normal post only with the subject diary in it?
Mark

 

[gsryoga]

:smile:Gunny:

I am a Navy vet from the Vietnam Era. My PTSD also was not combat related. I've been using the VA heath care system for 38 years, and they have done the best they could for me. Unfortunately, they don't have a program for non-combat PTSD like ours. But I went to Social Services and found a social worker who referred me to a private program at a local university. Their fees are based on a sliding scale, so it is affordable.

I will always have a special place in my heart for disabled vets, especially those suffering from PTSD.

 

[amethist]

You will find a section called "Trauma Diary's" at the bottom of the main PTSD section right at the bottom of the Forum Page.

In there you can start your own diary of all you want to post and remember, it is a way of tracking your own progress. All forum members can read and reply to the trauma members diary's, but only sufferers and Anthony can read or reply to the Private Trauma diary's.

There are sticky threads to read which will help and guide you before you begin.

Hope that helps.

Amethist

 

[GeneWick]

Gunny,

Sorry for the lapse, I got slammed with patients today and am only now coming up to breath, but I'm still here.

I totally agree with Amethist. A diary is a wonderful idea. You'll be able to reread your thoughts, emotions, ideas and as time goes on things will process either consciously or unconsciously.

Also I have to agree back up GSRYOGA. I live close to the University of Connecticut's Medical and Dental schools. They offer the same programs as he is talking about. If you live near a university or college then you may do well. Especially since they are always doing research and tend to be on th cutting edge of therapies and the like.

I'm still running into a brick wall with the legal help. I'm looking for "Pro Bono" organizations that would at least advise you, if not help you find someone in your area who can take your case on.

As you your sharing your personal background. First, I want to say "thank you". We are all really flattered and appreciative of the fact that you would expose yourself like this.

Next, I'm truly happy that you met your girlfriend. She sounds amazing and if your daughters took to her so well after just a year, then that says that she is an amazing woman. You know this already but to reiterate, listen to her. She knows you, she is a nurse and knows her field and she loves you.

Don't feel weak about having to take anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications. I know that for any male it feels like a show of weakness and for us vets, it's worse. We were trained and told over and over again that we should and will handle anything and do the impossible. Most of us have earned the right to be proud of what we did and to have served and some of have, indeed done the impossible but that said, let me say that having to take medication is not a sign of weakness and obviously your girlfriend doesn't think you are any less of a man. Sometimes the greatest show of strength is knowing and admitting when things are too much for you and admitting you need help. At times, that admission and request takes more strength and courage than anything we did in the service. Take heart. From my perspective you are making your greatest show of strength RIGHT now. You're a good father to your daughters, you have a girlfriend who thinks the world of you and you are making steps to get help. Honestly, you're setting the best example for those around you.

Now to your dad. First, I'm truly sorry for your loss. For what it's worth, I know what that kind of loss is like. I know it was a while ago, but reading your words, this is obviously still really upsetting you. I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, just a burnt out vet, but you are still grieving the loss of your father. He obviously was an amazing man and made an impression on you that goes beyond words. You had the good fortune to really be able to bond with him during those trips for his treatment. I know he would be proud of you right now and independent of religious beliefs is probably looking down and feeling pride in his son. As a thought, and again, just MY thoughts, set aside a bunch of times for sitting with your uncle and talking to him about your father, him, the Marines (both when they were in and when you were in), his life etc. The Carers on this site can be of more help with this than I can, but it sounds like something with your dad was left open, unsaid, undone, or whatever. In other words, I could well be wrong but it sounds, based on your words, like you need closure with your dad. He's obviously a figure that sits in your peripheral vision who's opinion and help are still very much a need.

I apologize for going on so much but you really opened up and I wanted to give you my thoughts. I'm still impressed by his serving under Chesty Puller. As I said, he must have been an amazing man. Obviously he was to have affected you so intensely.

As I said, I'm not part of the psychological community, just one vet to another.

Please share more, but only if you can.

Carry on my Brother!

Gene

 

[GeneWick]

GRSYOGA,
On behalf of all of us younger vets, thank you for checking in here. For my own part I've always been in awe of the Viet Nam Vets.
I can't speak for Gunny, specifically, but as a generalization, your support is MUCH appreciated from us.
My PTSD, like your is not combat related. Due to the military but not combat related.
Again, behalf of all of us younger vets thanks!
-Gene