Dropping Out Of Law School - Suicidal Thoughts

[xraydave]

I don't expect anyone here to understand . I just need something to go on using. my thoughts are all over the place. and i have ptsd, i know it. and i have dissociation. but i also have some form of TLE (temporal lobe epilepsy) and it really messes with my moods and causes oscillating auras in my vision and really both i feel personally blurred and physically blurred.

i am personally blurred in my life, because i have put 2 years into a life of law , and 1 year with a double in psychology. now i feel like dropping law, because i have failed a few units because of some bad medication. and i just don't have any motivation to do them all over again, and just do everything with it. it's like my mind is somewhere else and i just don't know what is happening to me.

i can't put my hands on a keyboard and type up all that is going on with me, and i feel really alone. i know it's something to do with something, i just don't know what it is.

and when i can't organize these thoughts, i just end up thinking and wishing, i could just do it. i remember just yesterday leaning my head on the table and thinking ' i should kill myself' . and it feels like a downward spiral again, and i don't want to be there again.

it's always in situations where i think i am helpless - that i feel like this suicide dog comes barking up to me. and really this is one of those times. like i don't want to drop law, and it will have consequences which are terrible for my future potentially. and i don't want to continue because it can be painful, or make a process which is already painful, even more painful. (the temporal lobe epilepsy issues and my life in general). I really need to just stop, but my mind never does. it keeps going.

i have no idea what i am writing right now, but i'm hoping somewhere someone understands what it's like to be me right now. i just dont know.

 

[Friday]

I never use the phrase "drop out".

I use the phrase "taking a quarter off" or "not in school this quarter" or "taking some time to work" etc. Dropping out has such a final note to it... And school is usually anything but final. People take breaks all the time. For a variety of reasons. They take a break, they return. Or take a break, and change directions.

Personally, I always take winter quarter as my "summer" quarter / 1 quarter a year allowed off without having to explain or get permission to do so. That most people take summer as their quarter off? That's their choice, not required. And the awesome thing about summer quarter is how freaking empty it is :D. Autumn is freaking hard for me. I need to be busy during it (I've tried taking Autumn off, and starting in the winter, and that doesn't work for me as well... For myself better to work through the Autumn, then spend winter snowboarding).

Since you've probably already used you 1 quarter no questions asked for this year, you may well need to apply for a medical quarter, or medical deferment, but even in competitive programs there are usually loopholes (like medical deferments) that allow a student to take time & return with the minimal amount of fuss.

Your school may be incrediably pissy about allowing you time off. <chuckling> Personally, I see this kind of attitude as both a challenge (okay, how can I make this work for me?) and a path-clearer. IME, when a certain attitude frightens most people off? The easier it is to do exactly as I please. Your school may also be incrediably forgiving. Ever since one of the Law Professors committed suicide at the nearby (Ivy) Law School... All of the local schools of law have take a hugely liberal policy in allowing both students & professors time off for "personal reasons".

 

[The Albatross]

Better a few failed units than pulling the plug on a double major? Consequences from dropping law or risk it being painful... I'd vote risk the pain and actualize your "wish". Learning how to weather failure (your units) is as necessary as persistence in the effort to achieve a longer range goal. Heck, I know a bunch of lawyers who didn't pass the bar the first time... rolling over because you may be faced with retaking the units is a defeatist attitude. Can you shift/view your opportunity for addressing this now rather than later as a "good or necessary" thing?

 

[scout86]

Well, I quit school once (before they threw me out) and then later flunked out of veterinary school. Let's just say I wish I had THAT to do over again!

You're in a better spot than I was, because you at least realize that you have challenges and have an idea what they are. (And they're real, BTW.) What I found, years later, was, if I'd known then what I know now, there was help available. There most likely is for you too.Your school has invested in you and they'd rather you not just quit. YOU have invested in you too, and suicide, while it looks like a way out, not only isn't the ONLY way out, it's not a very good one. Are you in therapy? If so, you might want to start by running all this past your T. Your school no doubt has a counseling service. Are you on their radar screen? If not, drop by and get acquainted. They surely have programs that can help. They can't help you if they don't know you're having problems. They probably won't come looking for you, but they can be a lot of help if you let them. There are a number of students on this site who get some sort of accommodation to help them deal with health issues. (Mental and other.)

What I did was decided that I was all alone, there WAS no help, etc and I never even looked. Turns out I was wrong. I'd hate to see you make a similar mistake!

 

[xraydave]

Better a few failed units than pulling the plug on a double major? Consequences from dropping law...

you've got a point. and really, that's the dilemma that's leading to all these thoughts. like if i pull the plug something terrible happens, if i do something else and change directions, and i've always had a passion for research, which would be in another field other than law. i will pull the plug in some other way, if i continue with that.

i guess the wish has been to end up my life, so i dont want to actualize it. :( i need to achieve a 'longer range' goal, you are right...

thank you everyone for getting my head straight. i feel like this is a completely unreasonable situation, not necessarily me being completely unreasonable. i may be able to get through this one.

 

[Ocean5]

Try to stick with it. I have PTSD, dissociation, and have had seizures. Maybe reduce your course load to reduce stress? So what if it takes an extra 1 or 2 years - if you can afford it. At least get law degree, then move-on to something else.

Bad medicine....can mess-up your life seriously....

 

[xraydave]

Try to stick with it. I have PTSD, dissociation, and have had seizures. Maybe reduce your course load to...

i'm still a bit confused though. like what if i don't really want to do it, and end up getting depressed throughout the whole year. i just can't predict the future. like yourself, i have seizures as well, psychdoc is expecting TLE epliepsy, and with all this, mental health stuff piling up, i don't want to take too much i can't handle and seriously breakdown. :S

 

[scout86]

like what if i don't really want to do it,

This is a totally legitimate question and the answer COULD be "then don't do it".

What I'd strongly suggest is that, what ever decision you make, you work with "the system" in making it. Don't burn any bridges that you might some day want to use. In my own case, someone who probably knew had mentioned to me that he thought I had PTSD. I had never seen a professional, didn't think I needed "help", and pretty much thought I had it handled. (I'm not sure where the exactly line is between "delusional" and "merely stupid and clueless" but I was dancing on the edges of it.) So I just took it upon myself to do a lot of stupid and dysfunctional things until I actually didn't have much CHOICE about leaving school. A better thing to have done would have been to wandered in to the counseling service and mentioned that I thought I MIGHT be having the least little bit of a problem, and checked to see if there was help of any kind available...... (I STILL shudder to think about doing that, but it would have been WAY smarter than what I did.)

So, your decision can be anything that works for you. Just, maybe, see what help is available and make sure your prof's etc know that you're not a screw up, you're just dealing with A LOT, doing the best you can, but aren't able to function at 100% right now. Find out what your options are. CAN you take a smaller course load? CAN you take a semester off with no penalty, etc? Figure out what the problems are and how to cut them into small, manageable chunks. First and foremost, find someone who gets "the system" to be your advocate and help you work through things.

 

[The Albatross]

I know... there ain't a "what if".

 

[The Albatross]

Xray Dave? What do you KNOW?

 

[xraydave]

Xray Dave? What do you KNOW?

i'm trying to guess the answer. i know that i am in a way being influenced by abusers, like my father, whom has something like NPD and my family who are in denial of these influences. they had unrealistic expectations growing up, and i have these of myself, and i'm trying to do what i want to do. but it's hard. so i dont want them messing with my head anymore, or my life decisions. and they say they are not and i can do what i want, but then they say what they would appreciate me doing, and to not drop what i am doing because i would have a 'good life' ahead of me with it, and that's frustrating, because it might be true.

i also know that i haven't really been doing good this year at all, and now i have to stay an extended period of time, in uni, when i could be doing another degree, being naturally better at it and getting it over with. i know almost no one , is 'naturally good at' law, so i will have to be more motivated in classes to do better.

i know my brain and my moods are all over the place, and i just can't function normally and i really need help because my life is just not going anywhere, and i know it's some serious seizure activity messing everything up. i feel delusional sometimes.

This is a totally legitimate question and the answer COULD be "then don't do it".

What I'd strongly sug...

I guess in my case the first year was functional, and then the second year became dysfunctional due to various reasons. i just don't want to get to a position where i have no choice but to drop out of my degree. that would suck.

i do have accommodation, and having support by the uni and still having these doubts makes me wonder whether it's the right choice since i already do have the support described.

 

[Ocean5]

i don't want to take too much i can't handle and seriously breakdown. :S

Very real fear - of breakdown and seizures. One reason I never got professional help for so long - fear of a major breakdown. Now I have to worry about seizures.