I made a really big mistake this week. I think it might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. We were arguing about something inconsequential, but I felt dismissed and invalidated and got angry. He rightly withdrew from the situation and I went back to work. Then he sent me this long text and finished it with saying he didn’t want me to reply. Didn’t seem right to me that he’d do that. That he could unload his feelings on me while I was trying to work and recentre myself, but I wasn’t allowed to say anything. So I texted him back and he just responded that he wasn’t going to read it. Then he got in the car and left. When he came back he still wasn’t talking to me. He came into the kitchen/dining room, where I was working, to get food for the cat. He was avoiding talking to me and making eye contact. I knew what was coming. A day or two of silence and hiding from each other. Of wondering if he still loved me or if he was leaving. That’s how it’s gone nearly every time for months and months now.
That’s when I panicked and f*cked everything up irreparably. I approached him and asked him to hug me, or to let me hug him, can’t remember which. He refused and tried to leave. I grabbed his arm and begged him to not run away. I tried to hold him still, begging him to just hold me or let me hold him. Followed him and held on tighter as he kicked at me and yelled at me. I terrified him. It all happened so fast and by the time I’d realized what I’d done it was too late. The only other times I’ve tried to hold someone still like that were with an ex, when he was being abusive. That wasn’t the case here. I wasn’t in danger of being physically hurt. No objects or punches were being thrown. I had no right to do what I did and I still don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at first. I thought if he made it upstairs and shut himself away, that it meant we were over. Instead, I made sure we were over.
Now I know what it’s like to have the person you love look at you in terror. What other people saw in my face when they were hurting me. It’s practically all I can think about. I’m trying really hard to not hate myself right now. But I’m losing the best person I’ve ever known and it’s my own fault. I know I can’t ask him to stay. I want to, but I don’t think it’d be right or fair. I won’t be like my ex.
That’s when I panicked and f*cked everything up irreparably. I approached him and asked him to hug me, or to let me hug him, can’t remember which. He refused and tried to leave. I grabbed his arm and begged him to not run away. I tried to hold him still, begging him to just hold me or let me hold him. Followed him and held on tighter as he kicked at me and yelled at me. I terrified him. It all happened so fast and by the time I’d realized what I’d done it was too late. The only other times I’ve tried to hold someone still like that were with an ex, when he was being abusive. That wasn’t the case here. I wasn’t in danger of being physically hurt. No objects or punches were being thrown. I had no right to do what I did and I still don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at first. I thought if he made it upstairs and shut himself away, that it meant we were over. Instead, I made sure we were over.
Now I know what it’s like to have the person you love look at you in terror. What other people saw in my face when they were hurting me. It’s practically all I can think about. I’m trying really hard to not hate myself right now. But I’m losing the best person I’ve ever known and it’s my own fault. I know I can’t ask him to stay. I want to, but I don’t think it’d be right or fair. I won’t be like my ex.
Can you tell I’ve dealt with this BS before?
