Early Termination Of Therapy: Therapist Retiring Prematurely. My Anguish.

[AngelKeeperJ]

Here's a thought...I don't know if it's possible. Maybe before he totally stops seeing you, you could make a video of him on your cell phone, (if you have one,) of him reassuring you, or telling you a story...maybe about some of your successes while in treatment. Then you would have a connection with him that you could watch whenever you wanted.
Here in the States, it would be considered highly unprofessional for him to meet with a client after therapy has discontinued. He will need to be able to have a "completion" of your therapy, in order for him to move on to whatever he is going to be doing. I know it will be hard to let go, but you will HAVE to at some point. Imagine, if he were to have an illness where he HAD to give up his practice. That could happen, and you would have no warning.
I hope that you will be able to work towards your final therapy sessions, which are still quite far away, so that he won't feel so overwhelmed with your need for him. He will want you in a "safe place", and that would be a GREAT gift to him!
Blessings of strength and understanding to you....
AKJ

 

[Lotis]

I suggest that he think of the ending as him walking the little girl in me, towards an ending which he has prepared her for, he is holding her hand and even when she gets to the door - he still holds her hand - in a way he will always be holding her hand.

I love this....

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Here in the States, it would be considered highly unprofessional for him to meet with a client after therapy has discontinued. He will need to be able to have a "completion" of your therapy, in order for him to move on to whatever he is going to be doing. I know it will be hard to let go, but you will HAVE to at some point.

Well, here in the UK it is also very unusual to continue contact with a client after the therapist has ended. but he is ending before I am any way ready to lose him, before I am any way near completion of therapy and if he was a private therapist, he woudlnt' be doing this, but it is because he has a five year contract with the NHS and finances are making him make choices in life (and his older partner) that mean he has to stop that contract next June at the end of the five year contract. He will not renew it. He will be 59.

He has two days a week else where as part of a team teaching an NHS psychology PhD.
He might be increasing his work there.

ANYWAY, my point was trying to be - that he feels he is abandoning me. I feel he is abandoning me. He knows I have been abandoned over and over again and he just doesn't want to be yet another person in the long list of abandonments.

Also, my first therapist worked with me for 14 months back in the eighties. She kept in contact with me when I moved to another city for work and I was always allowed to phone her when things got tough. this was back before stricter and tighter 'boundaries' so she invited me to her wedding and I would visit her. She also came and lived with me for five days when I was in an accident and was bed bound and couldn't get up at all. How unprofessional is that ;)

so - my current therapist has already agreed that I will always have his current number and email and that we can meet up .

what he hasn't quite realised is that I probably will never be my chronological age with him, I will probably always relate to him as a child to a dad figure as I have never really got that to change and it doesn't look like it is going to change any time soon. she loves him. she adores him. Neither he nor I want to break her heart. and it would.

no doubt about that.

and she wouldn't die. She would freeze all over again.

Like she has had to before, so it would undo all the work we have done to unfreeze her.
So he doesn't see the point in that.

Neither do I.

Now, his colleagues and his NHS bosses have told him NOT to have contact me (because even here it is considered a bad idea usually) but he has told me that he will not be working with them any more so he will be a person relating to a person - in the eyes of the world - but little me can still see him and contact him.

Now, I know zillions of people would go SHOCK HORROR at that. But I am not zillions of people. I am looking out for little 8 yr old me and she is not in any way ready in any way to lose him. In a very real sense. It is no use telling me he could drop dead tomorrow. IN a way that would be easier. He is not dropping dead, he is stopping working at the centre I go to.

And he has always said that if he got ill, he would phone me, he would explain, I have his home number for heavens sake. I know where he lives. He gave me both. this man is trying to save a fragmented tortured small child. He is. I can't believe it when people say 'he will have nothing to do with you' as he has promised me he will not drop me like that.

In real terms, I have to grieve the fact I am losing him as my NHS psychologist whom I see twice a week. I will lose 'that' him. I have quite enough on my plate knowing that I will be stopping formal therapy with him. I can't handle thinking I might lose him altogether. Anyway, he has promised that is not the case.

OMG: I wonder what I will be saying in ten months time, one years time?

MY god, I hate to think...

 

[Suzetig]

He gave me both. this man is trying to save a fragmented tortured small child.

Except you're aren't that person. You are an adult - yes with unresolved trauma and parts that feel very young - but also fully adult. Its his job to help you get to a place where the adult part of you can offer that very young part of you the comfort and reassurance you need, where you are able to relate to the different parts of you and help all of you cope with change and disappointment. The reality is that even as small children people leave and let us down, it's the nurturing adults job to help little ones learn how to cope with the loss and feel safe with their feelings, not to pretend it's not happening so they don't get upset.

I fear that he is very out of his depth, and without appropriate supervision that can easily happen. He can't promise to be there for you after he finishes with the NHS, he doesn't know how he'll feel about that part of his life after he leaves, or how his life will change in ways that mean he might just not be able to keep such a commitment to you. I think he's trying to make the ending as easy as possible for both of you for the next 10 months and will say whatever he needs to to keep you happy and off his back.

He would be in serious trouble for giving you his personal details because he's breaching the terms of his job role. He has pushed so many professional boundaries with you, which is part of the reason why you feel you can't leave him, he should be facilitating an clean ending, as hard as that would be for you, because to promise you a continued relationship at this stage is disingenuous and, in my view, very damaging.

I don't expect my view on this to be popular with you but I can't collude with the idea that this all looks like ok therapy.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I bet. My 8 yr old can't lose him. That is hard bad it is. I might end up being a stalker. I have already warned him of that. He replied that we could make jam. So he IS going to meet with me.
I think.

Initially, I paid my Stewart $600 per month cash for therapy. Things went really well.

When I moved back to California and went on disability, I could no longer afford therapy at all. So, he decided - out of love (remember, he wanted to adopt me in a perfect world) - that we could maintain a 'therapeutic friendship'; this was his rationale for maintaining a relationship with me after I could no longer afford to pay him.

We got closer and closer - and then, this is where things started to go wrong. My little self- Bear - became very jealous of Stewart's biological children, and was distraught. He felt abandoned. Because there was no longer a professional agreement with a payment schedule, the relationship moved into the very personal realm - like a father/son relationship - except that I didn't have all the benefits of his biological children. Bear felt both loved and like a throw-away child, all at the same time. It was terribly painful.

Terribly painful and very confusing. Here, Stewart was calling me to visit, even from outside the United States, and I had all sorts of priviledges, but I wasn't really his child. It was like both being his child and yet NOT being his child at the same time.

This was supposed to be a wonderful relationship for both of us, but eventually the relationship imploded. It was just too much for either of us to handle. Eventually, I had to get a new therapist.

As if losing Stewart wasn't bad enough, after the split I not only had my original trauma to work on, but I also had to work on my 'Stewart Trauma'. My therapy because much more complicated. In fact, even though I no longer, technically, have DID or PTSD, I am still in serious pain from the loss of Stewart.

I really cannot recommend you pursue a relationship after the professional one ends. It is a rare patient and ex-therapist who can handle such a relationship.

but he is ending before I am any way ready to lose him, before I am any way near completion of therapy and if he was a private therapist, he woudlnt' be doing this

Not true. Private therapists sometimes must end professional therapeutic relationships prior to therapy completion for a number of reasons. Happens all the time. It is never fun, but it is what it is.

She also came and lived with me for five days when I was in an accident and was bed bound and couldn't get up at all. How unprofessional is that

Terribly unprofessional.

Its his job to help you get to a place where the adult part of you can offer that very young part of you the comfort and reassurance you need,

Absolutely true!

Stewart used to tell me how important it was for me to learn to nurture and love my little self. I wanted him to do it, and I really thought it terribly unfair that I should be required to nurture my own child self. I mean, what child from a healthy family must bring himself up? In fact, I truly didn't believe it was possible for me to do what he asked.

I was wrong. I learned to nurture my child self, Bear, and then all of my other alters. Eventually, I learned to nurture myself.

Learning to nurture my child self and, by extension, myself was truly the most important lesson of my life.

I am concerned that, amongst other things, that if you continue to cling to your therapist post-therapy, you will never learn to do this for yourself.

Ben

 

[joeylittle]

ANYWAY, my point was trying to be - that he feels he is abandoning me. I feel he is abandoning me. He knows I have been abandoned over and over again and he just doesn't want to be yet another person in the long list of abandonments.

He is counter-transfering to you, and I'm not sure you'll care - but this is incredibly unhealthy for him, and will very likely become a problem. There's a reason for the prohibitions around continuing with a client when the relationship becomes personal like this. To say it strongly: you are having an emotional affair with this person, one where you are the child and he is the father.

if he was a private therapist, he woudlnt' be doing this, but it is because he has a five year contract with the NHS and finances are making him make choices in life (and his older partner) that mean he has to stop that contract next June at the end of the five year contract. He will not renew it. He will be 59.

You are not paying attention to the fact: he is making choices because of his finances - not, finances are making him make choices. This is something that happens, all the time - life happens to therapists as well, and they need to make choices about their jobs. If he told you he wouldn't be doing this (aka leaving you) if he were in private practice, that was ego-serving and manipulative of him.

what he hasn't quite realised is that I probably will never be my chronological age with him, I will probably always relate to him as a child to a dad figure as I have never really got that to change and it doesn't look like it is going to change any time soon. she loves him. she adores him. Neither he nor I want to break her heart. and it would.

You have not gotten better with this person, you have gotten worse.

If I imagine what's going on in his head, clinically - it could be that he's aware he has enabled this strong, strong level of attachment; it could have been a treatment strategy, and he's aware that he still needs to take the steps needed to detach your child-self, then detach your adult-self. But, if that's the case - he needs to tell you that.

If he has told you that, and that's why you are sitting on the 'secret' that you will never grow up while you are with him...you are doing yourself more harm than good. I believe that, very strongly. I don't know enough about, DID, and if that's the situation here, then I may be talking totally out of my ass. If we are talking about your inner child, though? Then you are infantilizing yourself.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but it is frightening to read to what extent you do not perceive that you are enmeshed. I think, if you are reporting him accurately, that he's been irresponsible bordering on negligent, and that you are capable of seeing that there is something wrong here - and you need to pay attention to that inner voice.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I learned to nurture my child self, Bear, and then all of my other alters. Eventually, I learned to nurture myself. Learning to nurture my child self and, by extension, myself was truly the most important lesson of my life.

This is truly a most important path - if not the most important path - to healing. Please consider it for yourself.

you are having an emotional affair with this person, one where you are the child and he is the father.

I agree.

May I point out that if you were abused by an adult male, especially your father, during childhood, you may be attempting to reenactment that old relationship with your current therapist.

If this is the case, removing the professional constraints from your relationship and moving into a non-professional relationship with him post-therapy would be extremely problematic.

Be careful, please.

Ben

 

[Suzetig]

I don't know enough about, DID, and if that's the situation here, then I may be talking totally out of my ass.

Actually, even if there is a DID diagnosis what you've said is pretty spot on, the task in therapy is still the same and if anything the boundaries need to be more explicit - much more flexible but clearer.

The fact that this guys colleagues have concerns tells me he's not working within accepted treatment boundaries, that @Kaluki knows his colleagues have concerns merely confirms things are far past being professional.

That isn't your fault @Kaluki, it's his job to maintain boundaries and work professionally. I know at the moment him letting you feel like you're special to him really matters to you, and has you thinking he cares for you - and it's possible that he does care for you a lot, but what he is doing is very harmful to you.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I think it is possibly helpful if I explain that my main 'disorder' is disorganised attachment disorder with an ACE score off the scale it is so bad. I do not have DID but I have had to separate off different parts of myself in order to cope. They are not unaware of each other, they are just coping parts - so I have a competent adult who is completely not connected to the under nine year old me who had already split at six months old and three years old. I tend to cut off into competent adult who is so good at fooling people including myself. (I have a exceptionally high IQ which helps.) When things get really tough, I sometimes find myself completely denying my anguish and just going all efficient and 'this mess is not me'. I also collapse into small child - it can go either way. We have been working in therapy to get the adult me to heed the small child but there has been such a war going on, as the small child holds the major traumas, even the traumas that happened in my twenties, as I became eight years old again (aged chronologically 26) as soon as the rapes started.
What has been interesting all the way along is that people who don't have knowledge of serious attachment disorder have this view that if you say ' parent yourself' you will suddenly know what that means and do it. I have had no pattern or template or even neural pathways for that. I grasp it intellectually but you can shout it at the three year old, until you are blue in the face and we get no where. the adult me is doing all the right things - helping the younger me these days (she used to hate her, and her pain and her traumas - all not cognitively thought out, just played out in my life) but now I do things for her. But I have not yet got the stage of solidifying that in any way. It must be wonderful to be further along in therapy or have had some semblance of secure attachment figures in early years, so that you are able to do that. I envy you.
Personally I think a clinical psychologist of 30 years experience, knows what he is saying when he says ' I will not drop you - you have been dropped by therapists and parents and parental figures all your life. I will not do that.'
He knows me. He sees me twice a week for nearly six years now. He contacted my first therapist who told him how beneficial she thinks it has been to be in touch with me all these past nearly 30 years. She told him how sensitive I am about boundaries ( I am) and she agrees that phone contact whilst I adapt to him not being my therapist is a really beneficial idea.
Okay, it is not the norm. Okay, it doesn't work in some cases. But I can see I am going to enjoy sending him postcards of my travels and updating him on how I am doing now and again. And phoning him if I get really stuck. Remember, I AM putting a private therapist in place ASAP - so that I am not left entirely on my own.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I do not have DID but I have had to separate off different parts of myself in order to cope.

Actually, what you are describing could actually be DID. Remember, DID is only very rarely like what you see on TV or in the movies.

I'm not saying you have DID. I don't know you, have never met you, and I am not currently licensed to make such a diagnosis. HOWEVER, at almost 60 y/o, and having lived the DID life, as well as studying psych at the graduate level - and DID in particular - I can say that there are some multiples who would greatly relate to your explanation of your internal relationships and communication issues. It's a possibility.

And, again, there are multiples whose alters are all mutually aware of each other; the alters can all be co-conscious.

What has been interesting all the way along is that people who don't have knowledge of serious attachment disorder have this view that if you say ' parent yourself' you will suddenly know what that means and do it.

Well, I did not have an attachment disorder and yet I had absolutely no idea of what my therapist was talking about. I mean, "What? Nurture my child self? You couldn't be serious!" I had no idea what to do. But then, one day something happened and I began to figure it out, little by little.

Actually, it was kind of funny. I got too strict in my first attempts, and so Bear went to Stewart and complained.

Essentially, to nurture your child - or even your adult self - you imagine what you would like best in the whole world - you imagine how you would like someone to nurture you - and then you do that for your child. Or your adult self, for that matter. If your child is upset, and you think, "Gee, when upset at that age, I wished for a teddy to hold," well, then, you go to a toy store with a wonderful selection and you help your child pick one out. And maybe you cuddle with it at night, whenever you sense she wants to do so.

Rinse and repeat. You will get the hang of it.

t must be wonderful to be further along in therapy

All of this happened very slowly over time. So slowly, I often didn't sense the changes.

As I said before: when I began to nurture Bear (properly), I found myself loving him. And then therapy really took off and flew. Loving Bear and my Little SuperHeroAnimals made me happy.

And then my life changed for the better. Finally.

Personally I think a clinical psychologist of 30 years experience, knows what he is saying when he says ' I will not drop you - you have been dropped by therapists and parents and parental figures all your life. I will not do that.'

Therapists are human beings. They make mistakes. They make genuine promises they are not able to keep.

My Stewart has been practicing for some fifty years. He is a highly respected clinical psychologist with a private practice who also supervises other therapists. He is professor emeritus at one of the most prestigious universities in the world. And, he is responsible for teaching psychiatric residents how to 'do' therapy. Can't say any more, lest he become identifiable, but he is really highly respected.

Yet, he made a mistake with me, out of love.

We worked together for some three years when I was in my twenties, again for a brief spell in my mid-thirties, and then yet again for another three years or so in my early fifties. This man knows me better than anyone else on this planet.

Yet he made an honest mistake. It happens, even to the best of us.

Ben

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's a pretty big assumption to make to say that folk replying to you don't understand attachment issues, are further along in therapy or that they had a model of secure parenting. It's akin to the domestic abuse victim saying "you don't understand our relationship" to anyone who expresses concern.

I understand your need to defend him, and to trust his 30 years experience but he isn't working within usual treatment models and protocols, which are there to protect patients. That in and of itself might be fine but he doesn't have appropriate supervision and his colleagues are concerned which tells me all isn't well. I'm not trying to be hurtful but doesn't sound safe.

 

[joeylittle]

It must be wonderful to be further along in therapy or have had some semblance of secure attachment figures in early years, so that you are able to do that. I envy you.

Yeah...no. I don't know how to do any of that, to be honest. I also don't know what it's like to have the diagnosis you have - but, it does explain why he's allowed such attachment to develop between himself and you - that is a treatment strategy for treating your disorder.

She told him how sensitive I am about boundaries ( I am) and she agrees that phone contact whilst I adapt to him not being my therapist is a really beneficial idea.

This is a whole lot different from this:

so - my current therapist has already agreed that I will always have his current number and email and that we can meet up .

So, is it limited phone contact, or is it meeting physically?

And, periodic phone support pro bono specifically with a timeline to transition you out of his care and into another persons care - is a manageable thing. But it's very different from

I love him. Little me loves him so much that I think she will stalk him if this doesn't go right. She won't get caught. she will just want to SEE him.

...which is a statement suggesting you don't have any concept of boundaries around this. And if you don't have any, he will most definitely need to. That's what's most concerning.