Early Termination Of Therapy: Therapist Retiring Prematurely. My Anguish.

[Deleted member 33880]

I love all your responses and I love you challenging me. I guess most of you do know what it is like to have different parts of yourself feeling different things.
I wouldn't actually stalk him, the nearest I got to that is a therapist who terminated me by email, I went and sat outside her house hidden in my car, (tinted windows) three times when I knew she wasn't there, just to feel a bit less hurting inside - like I was 'near' her. My little me will want to move in with him, but that doesn't mean that I will let that happen!
I have met people who boundary invade, they are SCARY!
I don't want it to go wrong with my Therapist. I have had things go terribly wrong with therapists before (their stuff) and I don;t want it to happen this time.
I am actually going off him a bit, in that he is so wooly about what the formal ending will mean, and I don't want messing about.
Some days I even think : we have done our time together, time to move on and away
I loved the suggestion about the teddy bear, etc. Actually I found all the comments helpful.
I have dolls. And bears. And cuddley toys and colouring in. I let my little me play a lot. Over the last six years I have became more able to like and even love her. I even have a few dolls which resemble her at different ages.
Also on the DID front, whenever I read a book on DID I think: Wow that is so me! But my therapist won't even go there. (very anti DID diagnosis here in the UK - they seem to think it is a fashion in the US!!) I also feel more understood by people who have DID. I guess it is one of those 'scales' of DID. I might have some symptoms of it and not the more extreme aspects of it. I am co conscious of all the bits of me, the mother bit, the kid bit, the wife bit, the academic bit, the singer bit etc etc.
Doesnt mean I have DID. But there again I find the DID books SO HELPFUL.
Actually I do love little me. I have a picture of her, here by the computer and she is so sweet and so open and so lovely.
I guess I want to get to a place where no one loves her more than I do. BEcause even with the best will in the world my psychologist doesn't love her to the level she wants even though he thinks he loves her a lot. I guess the account of Stephen the psychologist, was salutary. I know many therapists make mistakes out of being well meaning. A dangerous thing. BEing well meaning and being wise are a better combination. I have found it helpful reading about him. Thank you. I like your wisdom. Each of you has a valid perspective. I am glad you are around, it is going to be rocky whatever happens.

 

[Lotis]

I do not have DID but I have had to separate off different parts of myself in order to cope. They are not unaware of each other, they are just coping parts - so I have a competent adult who is completely not connected to the under nine year old me who had already split at six months old and three years old.

I have to echo what @BuckarooBanzai said - this sure does sound like DID. Honestly, we can call it whatever we want but when there are other parts of your self whether aware or not a personality is split.

He contacted my first therapist who told him how beneficial she thinks it has been to be in touch with me all these past nearly 30 years.

This is interesting - how has it helped you being in contact with your previous therapist? In what ways is this situation similar or different?

@Kaluki - I have been reading this thread from start to finish, every post. I will just say I have been where you are. I know the fear and pain of losing a therapist so close to you (10 years) that it rips your heart out thinking about leaving. If you want look up my other threads to read more into it.

I don't know you or your whole story and this is just little ol' me speaking for whatever it is worth. No matter what anyone tells you on these boards I think you will continue to see this therapist and it will take it's course good or bad. You will learn from this relationship even if it hurts you. I will tell you this and please think about it.

Going from a therapeutic relationship to a "friendship" is not an easy task for an adult; it is an impossible task for a 9 year old. The dynamics of the entire relationship changes. He will no longer be there in the capacity that you need and that can be re-traumatizing. I think it is great you are already looking for other therapists. Do what you need to do to continue on your path to getting to your healthy place.
~L

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Thanks Lotis, that is really helpful. I hear that. I am not looking for a brilliant success, I guess I am just looking for a after time where my little me feels he is still around in some way for her as she tries to move forward. I do not wish him to be a friend ( I have made that very clear) and I do not wish to be included in his 'family' life, I just wish him to be accessible on the times where I am needing to reach out to him. I did that with the first therapist, she was fine with it. It helped me throughout my life. I had dinner with her two weekends ago at her house. It was good to see after a 15 year gap.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

(very anti DID diagnosis here in the UK - they seem to think it is a fashion in the US!!)

That is so amusing. The US is highly sceptical about DID. It is hard to receive such a diagnosis here.

Part of the problem is that so few professionals have seen such a case. Few have the training or skill set to work with a DID client.

Ben

 

[Deleted member 33880]

That is so amusing. The US is highly sceptical about DID. It is hard to receive such a diagnosis...

My T even this afternoon said that he thought DID was having non conscious parts. (Really? duh.) I had even given him book about DID a year ago. He admitted he hadn't read it. but we did discuss about the continuum of DID that I discussed above. That I am about 20-30% along that line - (when he doesnt even know what the line constitutes?!) and that there is a lot of prejudice around that diagnosis (DID) anyway, so best to avoid it. (Fascinating!)
We were mainly talking this afternoon about three serious traumas (rapes mainly) and it was really hard work ( I kinda want to sort them out before we finish therapy ) but I did also talk about me being very little to him and after therapy ends not needing a friend ( I have friends!) but needing someone for little me to turn to when in deep shit. My first therapist was that person until recently she got ill and even though I dearly WANT to phone her, I leave her in peace.
I still have this feeling that I have no true idea of how this ending is going to pan out. Really. Like in ten months time, what on earth will I be writing here? I swing around so much depending on which part of me is talking.
But I do know it is not going to be any easier unless I sort out some of the residual issues re trauma. So that therapy work has to be the main focus for a while so that I get clearer on them. I want to walk away from therapy with him, with those traumas not being the turbulent roller coaster that they are. Most of the other traumas are much less volatile.
I am so exhausted so excuse me if this is not written clearly. Me CFS/Me is severe at the moment on top of everything else.
I forgot to say that I took my little me doll with me today again. She sat on his knee. So cute. We discussed how I have learned to love and cherish her and protect her which I couldn't do six years ago. I still crash on that - but on the whole I am pretty much chums with her. On the whole.
thanks guys again for your help. I know this is hard to fathom. I know it is unusual. ( good thing I didn't ask your opinions on whether he should hold and cuddle me and hug me in sessions - that would have kicked off a storm. But that is not up for discussion. He does (thank god but he spent 18 months pondering whether it was the right thing to do and now he and I find it makes therapy so much easier. I loved being held when upset, it soothes me and I feel like I stop being so vigilent in side and start feeling relaxed and loved. It is great. But some therapists are so horrified at the very idea, I have learned not to ask opinions on it on forums. )

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have severe PTSD with dissociation and depersonalization. I also have parts, I'm "high on the dissociative scale" but no DID diagnosis. I also have extreme attachment disorder and I had a wonderful therapist who went the extra mile with me, I could email anytime, call anytime, he helped me by intervening with medical doctors when it came to my back pain. He gave me med samples, he reassured me many times that he wasn't going anywhere, he loved his job, he loved where he lived he would be there until termination. I had a dream about 5 years into therapy that he was leaving, moving south, and he assured me that wouldn't happen. Three months later, he told me he was leaving the practice to take a job which happened to be south of where he worked. I had 1 month to terminate.

I know he cared about me, and overstepped boundaries many times, and instead of working on my feelings about him leaving, I spent the last month reassuring him that I would be fine. He wanted to join my Sangha, he kept asking me if I would mind. He kept saying "It's not like you'll never see me again." He tried to give me his card for his new job, so I could email him with therapy related things, but I said no, I wanted a clean break. He said then he would email me. I said I didn't want him to and he responded that he would think about it really hard before he did. I said no. At the end I told him he could, and he said he would at the beginning of Dec. and he never did. I not only felt abandoned, but also lied to, and less than worthless since he pressed the matter of email so much, then couldn't be bothered. I stopped going to my Sangha, because I was afraid he would be there. I was completely retraumatized and was put on several new medications. I saw a colleague of his for a few months, but he didn't listen and was friends with my ex-T, so I didn't trust him. Even though I was highly symptomatic, he told me that I suffered no ill effects from him leaving. It took a year of journaling, and medication, and working with my psychiatrist to get me somewhat back on track.

I understand what you are going through, and I wish my T had set better boundaries, and not assured me for several years that he would be there until termination. I still have problems with dealing with it, and reading your first post made me cry. A lot. I still am. I'm hoping to work through this with my new therapist. I attended a partial hospitalization program after that, and the therapist there said he was going to report my therapist for several things having to do with boundaries. I didn't want him to but it was too late. I don't know if he ever did. I still love my old T, but I will never be able to trust another one. I will work hard at therapy, I always do, but I will keep it professional at all times, and if he crosses a boundary, I will call him on it.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Oh Dharma girl, that really sucks. they don't seem to realise that they can really f*ck us up!
I found myself crying whilst reading your post too.
I think they have no idea what attachment disorder is like to live it. I live it so acutely painfully, so deeply, so desperately. But they think it just sort of turns off when you want it to.
I wish.
I am sorry for the mess you landed in. I have sworn before not to ever love another therapist but somehow I get pulled in again, or my younger parts do. fortunately my adult self is more savvy and can see these days how fallible and flawed some therapists are. I get the distinct feeling that I know more about how to end this therapy well than he does. He seems strangely naive about it.
I am not prepared to mess up six years (seven if we end on schedule) of therapy because the post therapy bit explodes on me.
I hear all the warnings on here. I really do. And I hear a part of myself that has been really messed around by therapists and it makes me so utterly cautious. In an ideal world I would be the super mom to little me fast - so fast, - fast enough to be ready for next June.
I have found that therapists don't realise that in the outside 'real' world, they have needs and wants in relationships, and how will my little me cope with that? It is a good question. So I did seriously explain to him today that if he had contact with me outside of therapy when we end, he will still be meeting the same me that I am towards him in therapy. I will not relate to him as a friend or a chum or a colleague - I will still be relating to him as I have always related to him that will give him something to think about.
To be honest - right in this moment - I think it would be best to keep some phone accessibility but not to meet up or at least very rarely. Please don't quote me on that - it is hard being quoted when this is a part of me speaking, and there are other bits of me that think very different things. so it is hard when someone says 'but YOU said ( and I quote) ' when I know that I did say it but I have another valid bit of me that doesn't agree with that at all and will be saying something entirely different.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I understand the different feelings on different days or times. It is so hard to go through, and it will continue. I still do it. I keep thinking what would happen if I ran into him. Would I cry, would I give him a hug. would I pretend he isn't there? I never know. I know I don't ever what to see him again because I don't want to deal with all those unresolved feelings. That's why I am hoping I can work through it with my new T.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm sorry but if he's as experienced as you say, he's very aware of what constitutes DID. At one point it was a pretty unknown, misunderstood concept but there's been so much research and writing, not to mention training available, that if he specialises in attachment disorder and/or trauma he will have a good understanding of both dissociative disorders and DID.

There's a very good reason for therapists not being comfortable with the idea of clients being held, cuddled and hugged in therapy. I know you don't want to hear that his behaviour isn't ok, and I know you think what he does is helpful to you, so I'm not going to say it again - I do hope you find a way through this ending to a place that is safe for you.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I know I don't ever what to see him again because I don't want to deal with all those unresolved feelings.

i wonder what would happen if you rang him up and said ' I want to meet for coffee and tell you how painful it was for me, your ending. I want to tell you it all and I want some closure here, cos I never got it. ' and you met up with him and he let you tell it all to him and he said he was sorry and explained why he didn't email you ( there will be a reason - for sure - he most definitely didn't forget you!)
It is a risk but sometimes I take risks and thank god I did as I find out the back story and I get heard and I can stop wondering 'did he..' or 'was he' or 'maybe he' and find out for sure what was going on and tell him for sure what was going on for you and educate him. I have educated a lot of therapists in my time - I have a list of 21 points that one therapist needs to hear about how he messed up but he has stopped all communication with me. (I guess I could post them. )
but also I know how it feels when you just don't have the energy any more. I know that place too.
I am so sorry Dharmagirl that it was so bad for you. Really. Hugs.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I wouldn't actually stalk him, the nearest I got to that is a therapist who terminated me by email, I went and sat outside her house hidden in my car, (tinted windows) three times when I knew she wasn't there, just to feel a bit less hurting inside - like I was 'near' her.

How did you know where she lived? In the U.S., searching for your therapist's home and parking outside is a boundary-crossing behavior.

whether he should hold and cuddle me and hug me in sessions - that would have kicked off a storm. But that is not up for discussion. He does (thank god but he spent 18 months pondering whether it was the right thing to do and now he and I find it makes therapy so much easier. I

Back to the million dollar question, which you are, of course, not required to answer: Did your father molest you as a child? If so, you are seeking a reenactment with your therapist, albeit hopefully without actual sex. It could be that you are putting him in this position as a test: If I make myself available, will my therapist molest me, too?

Please be very very careful. Therapists are not gods. They make mistakes.

i wonder what would happen if you rang him up and said ' I want to meet for coffee and tell you how painful it was for me, your ending.

In the U.S., these situations are handled within therapy sessions. The most acceptable method is for you to meet with both your new therapist and your old one at the same time. The old therapist then, in a sense, becomes a client, too. The new therapist then helps the two of you iron things out.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I guess I could email him and ask tell him that. He told me I could email him and offered me his new business card, but I didn't take it. I could look it up though. I don't think that is a boundary violation.