Either Or

[desiderata310]

furious with myself all day. Built up to uncontrollable rage and shut myself away from my dog so I didn't hurt him in the process.

Spent the last 2 hours trying to decide between killing myself and going surfing. Don't worry. I have my swim suit on, trying to calm down enough to put the board on the car. Charlie is safe and with me at the moment and tried to make it better.

I just don't believe this is ever getting better. Maybe at least the water will make it easier for a bit

 

[The Albatross]

Glad you have your suit on Des, hope you get the board out and go surfing. Glad Charlie tried to make it better, maybe he'll be more successful after surfing?

It's hard. And it's harder to think sometimes that may always be hard... and then I think about the alternative and that it's really not right either.

 

[Laycee]

Stress relief/take the edge off in the earliest moments is the only way I know how to manage when I'm experiencing similar difficulties. I get extreme rage towards myself too. I think your choice to surf shows your strength, especially already being dressed up. A step is a step. Does having a hobby really help? Also I think your choice is a good physical and emotional way to deal with the symptoms. Example all I use is coloring which can help with the emotional but definitely does not help burn off that built cortisol in the body. Stay safe out there in the water! (Shark and ocean and water phobias here!)

 

[Friday]

I feel ya. Don't say that often.

IDK why I feel less broken on the break. And it's been a looooong time, since the balance, the power, the feeling of the rise and swell just bringing everything together that matters and fierceing away all that doesn't. I miss it hard, but if you get to that beach and it is closed for any damn reason? Or the lineup is composed entirely of assholes? Absolutely anything thwarts you on finding even just a moment of true? She'll still be waiting. She's patient, even when I'm not.

Damn proud of you. Good decision to go.

Char & the Sea. Good choices.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Kudos for choosing surfing!

It DOES get better, believe me. These feelings do NOT last forever.

I've been through many horrible depressions and yet (eventually) come out of each one. Every single damn time I'm sure I won't make it - sure that the pain will never end - but each time I've been wrong.

The key to ending depression is to face whatever it is that is causing the depression, and then come up with a way to 'fix' the problem. That, paired with getting oneself out of one's head and DOING things, ends the depression.

Altruistic behavior helps dramatically.