Relationship Eleven Years And Counting

[Tom Mintz]

We have been "married" for 11 years; we just did the wedding this last summer. It was wonderful! We have four beautiful and fantastic children. I suffer from very well managed bipolar type 1 and ADHD, which kind of go hand in hand. My wife is suffering from PTSD, which we had diagnosed about 18 months ago, so you can see I am still learning. I don't feel comfortable divulging the earliest events in a long list, which I may have added to; once she had already been traumitize. I will say the first event was abandonment at a very early age. And there were traumas from then on, until about seven years ago. We have managed to cope with each so much that after eleven years, you would think it gets easier, but it never really does, huh?

P.S. my trauma is a breakup in relationship when she was six months pregenent. I know that I was a creep then. No excuses.

 

[No Folded Hands]

Hiya Tom. Based on what I've read here and in the other thread you startedin the intro section, it looks like you're floundering a bit and really looking for some specific advice on how to get your wife to get through an episode that is currently going on, so the episode ends, and you can talk with her again to try to get her to agree to doing something about getting her symptoms under control. Does that sound right?

If it does, I am thinking maybe it isn't quite that simple...not a great way to put it, but I am not articulate enough to manage elegant writing just at present :) Someone out there with more experience, want to jump in here, please? Especially someone who isn't the person who has the PTSD?

Formy part I don't know that you CAN "make" her get to the end of the episode, which is what I meant by it isn't quite that simple. My fella is the greatest guy in the entire world, and I trust him implicitly, but he can't "make" me do anything and we both know it. For us to reach the point that he had any influence at all over my symptoms, he had to offer and I had to accept. The wording there is deliberate --to offer something that may not be accepted or agreed to is the hardest thing in the world. Especially absolutely sincerely, so that there is NO obligation and NO pressure on the other person to accept. I think it worked for us just because he is a patient, helpful, generous person anyway, and I am a fiercely independant and wary one who tries to be perceptive and fair. But that isn't talking about the time it took or learning to hear each other. Even now, it's always a choice...he can often help bring something more under control, but only if he deliberately offers and I consciously choose to allow it.

You may simply need to outwait the episode.

I do think you need help (both of you, I mean),like therapy, counseling, something that gives you a third party to help you sort things out, at least.

 

[Tom Mintz]

I want the theraphy, I can feel things not right now. How long have you been married? Is 11 a really good start?

 

[No Folded Hands]

How long? Chronologically, not as long as you! :)
"Good" is relative. You two have been together along time, that's for sure. :)
Can you start therapy yourself? You cannot force your spouse to do anything, not really. if she will not go, at all, she will not go. But you can go and get some help dealing with the situation, as well as discuss with your therapist the possibility of your wife eventually also coming in or going to another therapist or starting marriage counseling. You've got children too...if it seems to you that you need help to be better able to handle the situation for their sake, also, you need to get yourself into therapy, I;d say.

 

[Tom Mintz]

but why would I go for theraphy, what would be my excuse, "I got a crazy wife" I know I need to and I want to time is the problem.

 

[No Folded Hands]

Ouch. That post worries me, Tom.

PTSD isn't a mental illness, it's a disability. A sometimes beastly mess of a disability, but a disability just the same. (I can'tspeak about RAD, not familiar enough.)

I would say, no one needs an "excuse" for therapy, you know? You go to therapy because you have a problem that is getting away from you, and you're wise enough to realize you need some help, yes? And if the problem is something like a psych disability, which you can't possibly know everything about because that's a whole field of knowledge on its own, it just makes sense to go to someone trained in that field for the help, right? So. You are married to someone with a psych disability (and another condition) that is affecting your relationship and your children, and you don;t know what to do about it all. Seeking out some help from someone who has training in the field just makes good sense then.

I can't help with the time thing...but I know how that feels too!

 

[Tom Mintz]

I am sorry, I didn't mean to percieve her as crazy, and I don't. lol well sometimes...... And I need to definitely see someone or I might end up all PTSD as well. No worries just a bad joke

 

[No Folded Hands]

:) So...get cracking on finding the right therapist for you! And good luck. :)

 

[Tom Mintz]

But what about now, is there really nothing but to try and act indifferent?

 

[No Folded Hands]

Right now you take care of yourself, take care of your kids, work on getting the help you need, and tell her what you are doing. Like, don't try to argue her into doing/acting as you'd like, etc, just tell her YOU are seeking help so she doesn't get blind sided. Be honest and open about it, in other words, but leave it at a simple statement. And don't try to act indifferent if you're not. Deception tends to set off a lot of us, I think, it certainly does me. There's a difference between acting indifferent and getting drawn into things. Try being honest the same way you are about seeking help for your self...just be honest when necesarry, don't try to argue anything or get her to change. It's about letting her know what's up with you, not about controlling the situation or her.

 

[Tom Mintz]

I will try that thank you

 

[ISupportHer]

Tom, I admit I have not read all you have written but I would just share with you that looking for a therapist is kind of a fluid process. First, you may have to try a few before you get a good fit. Also to make sure that the one you talk to meets your needs. My last time trying, I just told the office what my reason for seeking help was and then they had a few taking new patients and I said something like "It doesn't matter" Turns out it DOES matter, LOL. I lasted 2 visits and quit in frustration. So do your homework and try to find one that has experience in PTSD.

ISH