Emailing?

[theshadowoftheliving]

He had told me it’s ok to send emails etc, and he reads them when he can. I don’t expect him to read them or write back. And it was ok and maybe it’s still ok. I’m having trouble knowing what is ok and panicking a lot.

I think that there is a lot of difference between therapists on emails. I've needed a lot of reassurance from my own in order to know it is okay to send emails. I think that your own relationship and context with your therapist is what determines what is okay - and this is unique to you.

For me, I think the goal is to be able to talk with my therapist in session like I can over email. But I'm not there yet, and it's just a process to get there - right now, email is easier.

 

[Kubash16]

My experience, my first T was cool with me emailing every day if I wanted- with the understanding that he wouldn’t reply much and he would skim to get the gist of the content and then we would discuss in session.

My current T, I can email or text anytime. She usually does respond in some form unless it’s some big thing that’s better to just talk about in session. She also texts first once in awhile to check in on me.

Like everyone else said, every T is different and the only way to know is talk to them and believe them.

 

[Wendell_R]

Scared I’m going to scare him away or do something wrong.

This is my everyday reality, too! Keep listening to his message (great idea!), and keep working on believing him. It takes time. Eventually you'll get to the point of "I have this thought in my head, but the words and judgement of my therapist are a more accurate view of reality," which is a big accomplishment.

 

[Sideways]

It just read that way to me when I read it “seems like a bit of an abuse of privilege.”

Knowing that you do this? Is super helpful. I do it too.

I’m hypersensitive to any kind of perceived criticism, and it’s like I’m wearing a pair of ear filters that assume there’s a criticism in all sorts of stuff people say to me. I also know that while my brain goes hunting for the criticism that I’m anticipating, and interpreting (wrongly) - my brain is oftentimes missing the message the person is actually trying to say.

This is probably going to come up from time to time if it’s one of your things. Knowing that in advance? Means that next time you “hear” your T criticising you? You can have a little silent alarm go off in your head - “Criticism Alert”!

Gives you the opportunity to get really clear clarification. For example, “Are you saying ....?”, or “Can you repeat that...”.

Not only does that start to tackle the cognitive distortion (brain slowly learns to take the filter off), it means they get to repeat the parts of the message we missed, gives us confidence to ask questions (that’s no easy thing to do), and slows the whole situation down so that brain has time to process things better:)

 

[whiteraven]

Sending emails that you don’t even remember writing? Seems like a bit of an abuse of the privilege. They aren’t even significant enough for you to remember them, but on the receiving end, every email he gets is as potentially important as the last.

This sounds more like writing while dissociated than it does abusing privilege. Not sure i understand how one can abuse a privilege if they don't even know they taking advantage of it?

My therapist has always encouraged I email whenever I need to. I also send emails I don't remember writing - 99% of the time it's because one of my insiders has written it. I know I do a lot of stuff, including writing, that I do when I am dissociated (and not someone else). He doesn't care. Sometimes the info he gets during those times is info he likely wouldn't get at others.

 

[Sideways]

Not sure i understand how one can abuse a privilege if they don't even know they taking advantage of it?

I’m speaking from the perspective of someone with DID, who blew a perfectly good therapeutic relationship with a super pdoc over one single thing that I did while dissociated. That was after 5 years of working together weekly.

Sometimes dissociation is a good explanation as to why we do some of the crazy things we do, and certainly if the person on the receiving end understands dissociation? They will hopefully be empathetic.

But we’re still responsible for our actions, dissociated or not. It isn’t a free pass. And absolutely sometimes we can be really inappropriate (putting it mildly), and “I was dissociated” doesn’t magically make it okay.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

My therapist has always encouraged I email whenever I need to. I also send emails I don't remember writing - 99% of the time it's because one of my insiders has written it. I know I do a lot of stuff, including writing, that I do when I am dissociated (and not someone else). He doesn't care. Sometimes the info he gets during those times is info he likely wouldn't get at others.

I think it depends perhaps on what the insiders write. For me, some of the biggest therapeutic gains have come from emails I don’t remember writing.

But I think the issue in this thread is maybe less about our own personal experiences and more about what the original poster feels within their own personal therapy relationship.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Thank you. I’m out of town for almost two weeks and I think it’s making it extra difficult. I have therapy twice weekly normally and it will be 2 weeks between when I go. I have the audio to listen to, which helps because my mind plays tricks on me, making me think therapy ended or I can’t go back. I had a court trial the day before I left and didn’t have therapy after. Everything is very triggering. I have only been in therapy since April and it’s all new. I told my therapist a lot in email and not in session, but telling him was good I think because he told me it was abuse when I thought I made it happen, so thinking it’s possibky maybe true that it wasn’t my fault has made me feel both that it can be true and also that maybe I can get better even if I don’t know really yet if it’s abuse or if I can heal. So the email is good because there were some parts I don’t know when or if I would be able to tell. Also in therapy he was saying things to me about that and I knew he said it, but couldn’t remember after, can’t remember what he said or picture him saying it so he emailed it to me so I can see that he said it, and have proof that it’s what he says he believes is true. So if he is telling me the truth, which I haven’t yet figured out if he is, then it could be right that I didn’t do it, that it was abuse.

I don’t want to ruin therapy by emailing. I hope that doesn’t happen. I appreciate everyone responding and helping. I guess it’ll take some time to figure out what is ok.

 

[susannahsays]

I also read "seems like an abuse of the privilege" as a criticism, FWIW, and I have no reason to be hypersensitive on this topic as I don't email the therapist I see. It may have been a constructive criticism with good intentions behind it, but it is criticism nonetheless. I don't think criticism is always a bad thing, but I think it's kind of problematic when we start pretending things we say aren't what they are and acting as though people's responses to what we say are somehow abnormal or pathological.

There. I have offered my own criticism and own it as such. And it is not the end of the world.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

I also read "seems like an abuse of the privilege" as a criticism, FWIW, and I have no reason to be hypersensitive on this topic as I don't email the therapist I see.

Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. And that it’s makes me nervous to talk about too. Thank you as it helps me to know if others see that. I’m not upset and it helps me know if I’m just sensitive as my dad said, which I never know, so hearing different ideas helps me know what can be true. Scary for me too. Thank you susannahsays

 

[whiteraven]

But I think the issue in this thread is maybe less about our own personal experiences and more about what the original poster feels within their own personal therapy relationship.

So I should have just answered, "Yes?"

My observations here show that it sometimes help folks who post to hear about others' experiences.

 

[NightSky]

I’ve been with my T for 4 years and if it weren’t for email, I would be so much further back in the process than I am. Sometimes I don’t write for months, others I email once a week (we meet once a week). Never more than that, because that’s what I felt would be a good boundary to keep. Sometimes she texts and thanks me. Sometimes she emails back. Sometimes she doesn’t respond but starts the session telling me she got my email. And she’ll pull it up on her phone and we go through it. I am just unable to verbalize so many things but want to continue to remain open and vulnerable with her. This has made it possible. She often tells me she’s happy when she sees me in her inbox. And still I worry she’ll be mad, I’ll be too much, she won’t want to work with me anymore, etc. it is a fairly regular topic of conversation. The worry is in my head because of my upbringing. There is a reason you feel worried that you’re overstepping even though you’ve been assured you’re not. And that’s important to cover. As your relationship grows you will get more comfortable with it.