Embarrasing

[anna_spanner]

It's not great this week, and I'm supposed to be staying at a friend's house, so I'm worried.

Anna

 

[DharmaGirl]

Adult briefs. I have a friend with that problem and when we go camping she uses those plastic on one side and absorbent paper on the other. I used the adult briefs when I was having that problem.

 

[Abstract]

Sorry Anna. Remember its not your fault. Take care.

 

[Springer80]

Hi Anna,

I wanted to share his paragraph from Janette Wintersons 'Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?' published by Vintage in 2011, para-phrased quote from pages 188-190.

The book describes the factual account of her abusive/neglectful upbringing and the hands of her adopted mother. Much later in life and as a successful author and social commentator she goes through the process of locating her natural mother, re-awakening in her many painful experiences. This is a small extract about some needlessly dis-compassionate part of the bureaucratic process.

'I was alone when another letter came from the court. The judge had spoken. 'Applicant should fill in the usual form and refer back.' Get a solicitor, advised the letter.
I sat on the back step looking at it over and over again like someone who can't read. My body was slight-shaking all over in the way you do if you get caught in an electric fence.
I went back to the kitchen, picked up a plate, and threw it at the wall...'It's not a f**king credit-card referral you asshole.

And what happened next makes me ashamed but I will force myself to write it: I wet myself.
I don't know how or why. I know that I lost bladder control and that I sat down on the step soiled and wet and I couldn't get up to clean myself and I cried in the way that you do when there is nothing but crying.

There was nothing to hold on to. I wasn't Jeanette Winterson in her own home with books on the shelves and money in the bank; I was a baby and I was cold and wet and a judge had taken my mummy away.

...

That night I lay on the bed thinking about what had happened. This family court judge who was so experienced, did he have no idea of what it is like to stand on the rim of your own life and look down into the crater? How hard was it to send me the 'usual' form or tell me where to download it, or have a court official talk me through the legalese?
I stared shaking again.

'Lost loss' is unpredictable and not civilized. I was thrown back into a place of helplessness, powerlessness and despair. My body responded before my head. Normally, a pompous obfuscating letter from the legal world would make me laugh and I would just deal with it. I am not scared of lawyers and I know that the law is grandiose and designed to intimidate, even when there is no reason for it to do so. It is designed to make ordinary people feel inadequate. I do not feel inadequate - but I do not expect to be six weeks old again either.​

When I read this I couldn't believe it. She is a heroine of mine after all but I had experienced the same thing a number of times a week for years. Thankfully it has stopped.

Can I just say that I went through all kinds of tests and pills etc....perhaps if you can bring it up with your therapist and see if you can find a way of connecting with the part of you which becomes so frightened.

 

[anna_spanner]

Thanks. It helps me feel less alone with it. But it's still hard and frustrating though isn't it?

 

[Springer80]

Hi Anna,

Yeah I know but I really do think it's somehing you have o approach not with intention of getting rid of it but of understanding it. I went to Urologists (monitor what and when you drink...With a highly dissociative disorder and exhaustion and pain), gynecologists/STD clinics (pelvic inflammatory), internal ultrasounds, external ultrasounds, 3D ultrasounds, Gp's for urinary tract infection avenues, nocturnal enuresis pills...a few kinds....eventually I had a lump in my abdomen he size of a golf ball and I think the amount of adrenaline I used to get hit with every time I had night terror/paralysis caused adrenal gland issues and a partially dislodged kidney. I ended up with a drug problem to cope with the pain, which drove me mad cos I couldn't decide if self medicating was assisting the lack of bladder control but I couldn't cope without it and the doctors had nothing better.

 

[Springer80]

I don't mean to sound alarmist about the above, the point is I suppose is that it's silly not to get checked out if it's something physical but if you think and feel it is fear/ptsd-somatic related then going through years of distress with people who aren't qualified will do nothing for your already battered self esteem on this issue.

That's why I suggest you therapist. You could google Carolyn Spring of PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors), it's UK based but as a survivor herself I'm sure she would help in anyway she could.

:hug:

 

[Springer80]

Hi ANna,

I was doing a bit of research regarding something else and via looking at the endocrine system (hormones/hypothalmus-pituatary- thyroid-adrenals-ovaries) I came across something called negative feedback and hormonal ratios.

Anyway, the adrenals (which are obviously messed up in ptsd) produce something called aldosterone and in cases of severe sleep deprivation (see ptsd! AGAIN) this is disturbed leading to enuresis (your problem).

Anyway, I just wanted to share in case you do go a doctor that has a bit of pluck and is willing to listen on a broader perspective.

Hope your well X

 

[anna_spanner]

Therapy is really tough at the moment, discussing trauma and this is getting worse :(

 

[Springer80]

Hugs to your little one that gets so sacred. She is safe now and Im sure that slowly youll be able to show her until she learns its true x take care and do nice things for her and you.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I've had more issues with this since my last post, my psych has attempted to console me about it considering that I'm pregnant. However the only time I've had an issue with this has been after amounts of severe stress and particularly awful nightmares.

I'm really hoping that my child won't ever have to deal with this issue, but somehow I doubt she will have to experience it. I'm getting the feeling that it's going to be ok, and that she will be safer than I ever was.