Embarrassed... Question About Trauma+fantasies?

[Jen93]

So, ummm... I don't know how to start off, so I'll just say it.

I recently started a relationship (Since December). I like my boyfriend. We haven't had sex, yes we've touched each other, it was consensual. He's my first boyfriend, so I don't know whether this is healthy or not. I've never orgasmed.

Ummm.... My trauma is from me having been physically and emotionally abused, (NOT sexually) so I'm wondering if that might have anything to do with my fantasies. Anyway, I've been reading a lot of.... kinky fanfiction. The whole domination/ subordination thing sort of disgusts me and yet I also think I might be sort of attracted to it? I don't understand it. Well, I don't understand a lot about my body.

I'm also wondering if I sort of ask him to look further or whatever ( I mentioned it in passing, and he said "So, you want me to be like an authority figure or something? That turns you on?") I have no idea... would I be opening myself to flashbacks or something? Is it like this weird sort of... I dunno, like therapy thing or whatever that I'm hoping to gain? I don't know. Maybe it's a fantasy that should just be kept to reading fanfiction or whatever. I'm so embarrassed right now.

Please don't judge me too harshly. I know it's sick, I know it's twisted. I just don't know what else to do about it. I've never had fantasies before. Will it go away? My boyfriend says maybe we can do it later, like we'd need to talk more about it, and we'll see later down the line. I don't know. Maybe we're going too fast and I want distance and that's why I want him to hurt me? I have no clue. So many things in my head... and I don't know what they mean or if it's normal or what to do about it.

Sorry I'm not very coherent. I'm just so embarrassed by this. Why would I want it? :banghead: Just call me messed up.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I want to say that the submissive/dominant subculture is not "wrong". If you're having the desire to be dominated, there is nothing wrong with that. There are many types of submissive/dominant relationships, some purely sexual at one end, some are in every aspect of life.

I think there are other discussions about this if you search. I know I personally like to be dominated but haven't found a guy who feels comfortable doing it.

 

[Rizen]

It's not wrong at all. As long as something is consensual it's fine.

 

[Pencil]

I know it's sick, I know it's twisted.

It is NOT sick or twisted. Get that out of your mind or you'll make yourself sick.

 

[Jen93]

It is NOT sick or twisted. Get that out of your mind or you'll make yourself sick

I'm not sure what you mean by make myself sick. It is nice to know that having the desire to be dominated is okay; I'm just confused I guess that I would willingly want this after being hurt more times than I can count emotionally.

 

[Pencil]

Sick with feeling that there's something wrong for thinking it might be sexy. Yes, it might point to something that you need to work through, but that won't happen if you see it as inherently 'sick' and 'twisted' (in an almost middle class Christian way that thinks anything apart from the missionary position is sinful. And please, I'm not saying you ARE anything). I have the same background, it seems, and I am also drawn to ... erm ... stuff. It makes sense, although I couldn't really explain why. I've thought that perhaps 'softer' or 'gentler' ways are too subtle for me to actually FEEL. But I'm not sure (and I don't want to over analyze it as I actively avoid relationships).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you aware that it is the submissive who has power? The dominant can inflict pain, but the submissive is actually the one to call the shots in terms of what is ok, when to stop, etc. it's a power play of sorts, that's why a "safe" word is used.

 

[Jen93]

perhaps 'softer' or 'gentler' ways are too subtle for me to actually FEEL.

Yeah. Maybe that's it! :facepalm: Man, I suck at verbalizing stuff. Thanks for that!

Are you aware that it is the submissive who has power?

From what I've read that seems to be the case. And that sort of scares me too. I'm one of those people who would rather please other people and forget about myself. Like if I'm uncomfortable or something, I might mention it afterwards, but not during. I trust him enough, but I don't know why I'm still at that no-voice mentality. I mean, I do have a voice. Sometimes I forget, and he reminds me so often. It's just hard to remember. This was actually one reason I was looking at it, maybe it could help me strengthen my voice?

I'm now feeling more comfortable about it. Or at least a bit more comfortable about voicing the possibility to my boyfriend maybe a few months down the line.

 

[silkleaves]

Don't feel sick or twisted or any of those things.... Its not an unusual, or even unhealthy desire, I can promise you that. I know my desires come from a position of reliving / changing in my head events of the past, and that might not be so good... but in and of itself, its not a bad thing at all to have these sorts of fantasies or want for a partner you can trust who can help you fulfill them.

And that is kind of key, to your fears of not saying something during...having a partner you trust who is looking out for you, who is not all about themselves but about you too is important, because they will be able to tell if they are taking things too far or making you uncomfortable. Its like with any sexual reaction, I cant recall a time Ive had to hand out instructions as we went along...you get in tune with each other and pay attention to each others needs.

 

[NovemberStar]

I'm just confused I guess that I would willingly want this after being hurt more times than I can count emotionally.

I don't think it's strange at all. Perhaps it's about power and instead of being completely powerless (i.e. someone is abusing you physically / emotionally, without your consent), in this scenario, you would be giving your explicit consent.

I have read about this on other psych forums and the outcome can vary so differently. Some survivors of abuse find it empowering, others find it is merely a form of self harm, as they re-live over and over again, their own victimization - and that can add to the trauma already there.

I really think this is something you would be best to talk to your T about. Explore it in therapy, and if it seems like something you would like to try with your boyfriend then I think VERY good boundaries need to be in place.

That you have not had sex or been too sexually intimate with it I think would be a red flag here initially - if you have not had sex with him, yet are having fantasies about submission and domination, to me, that seems like a huge step to take, with a a very big risk of it 'being too much too soon' Why not start off with something far less potentially threatening - kind, gentle, sexual intimacy, before going onto very loving, kind, love making - rather than immediately into role play and create a situation where you have the potential to be re-victimised (unintentionally or not)?

 

[jmni]

I don't think that it is twisted and I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. But if this is your first boyfriend and you have not had intercourse yet, then role-playing would not be in the near future. Personally I don't like to engage in anything that I saw in porn or read in a book because I think it's so contrived. But that's just me.