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Embarrassment and Shame - I Just Want To Isolate From My Friends

littlestars

Confident
I'm not exactly sure why, but lately, I just want to isolate myself from my friends. A little background, I'm very close with my friends and they know my history. They're very empathetic. All of them moved away from the area I live so we keep in touch over social media and text. I feel like I'm annoying, awkward, or talk too much. I'd rather just not speak to anyone at all because of that. After I talk with them I feel like I did something wrong and feel ashamed. I don't know if I said anything stupid or if they think negative things about me.

I've had platonic and romantic relationships where I've felt this way before. Eventually, I cut those people off. When I'd speak about those people to my therapist she would tell me that they were toxic people. That makes sense, you know? Those people did things to make me feel bad about myself in many ways. I'm afraid that I'll lose my close friends because of the things my ex-friends/boyfriends would criticize me for.

I notice that I've been rambling a lot when I speak to my friends. Sending long texts and/or multiple ones. If I'm on the phone with them we talk for a long time and I think I don't follow the natural flow of conversation. I feel self-centered and self-absorbed or at least I think that's how I'm acting. On occasion, I feel like I'm a downer. I'm generally not relaxed around people in general. Apparently, I can't hide my insecurities. I often am so nervous that I just blurt out whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I do that without realizing it (as if I zone out and say weird things that are inappropriate or highly offensive). I've been getting random memories of how I've acted in the past where it was awkward or did something outside of the social norm that's considered odd or off-putting.

Everything I just wrote is why I want to isolate myself. I feel like I'll save myself from ridicule or negative feelings toward myself. My close friends worry about me when we don't speak after a while. They get worried about me and wonder if I'm okay (I have a history of attempts and ideation). My family feels that way too. Especially my cousin (she can tell when I'm that upset).

I just don't want anyone to worry/be concerned about me anymore. I don't want to feel like an idiot and overthink everything. I honestly feel really dumb when I talk to anyone.

I don't think I'm being authentic - that I have to act humorous to feel good around people so they won't think I'm weird or something. That's another one. I've been told that I'm weird consistently throughout my life ever since I was a kid. I don't really know why to be honest and I'm afraid of the answer.

I'm also very shy and afraid of both men and women. I try to be friendly with men, but I think I make them uncomfortable. I'm afraid of women because they generally pick on me or bully me. It's hard to make friends or even meet someone in the romantic sense. I don't really know how to flirt. Men can tell that I'm vulnerable - that's not an attractive trait. I've only dated guys that showed interest in me but took advantage of me because of that. They've exploited my mental health issues for their own personal gain. They also couldn't handle me at my worst. I think I may have tired them out or something so I ended up as a nuisance and it became extremely frustrating for them. My therapist told me that the guys I've dated weren't healthy and she's right. All of them were pretty much addicts of some kind.

I don't want to put myself at risk of being in those situations anymore so I don't bother attempting to befriend anyone. I've also decided recently that I want to be celibate because of my awkwardness, mental health, and vulnerability. My therapist tells me that the guys I chose aren't healthy anyway. I'd rather live in my own bubble by myself - isolated and in solitude. It seems safer for me that way.

I've always preferred animals over humans too. I grew up on a farm and felt most comfortable, safe, accepted, and connected to them more than other people. Rereading this post just makes me feel sad. Honestly, I just feel so bad about myself that I don't want anyone to deal with me and how "weird" I am.
 
I'm not exactly sure why, but lately, I just want to isolate myself from my friends. A little background, I'm very close with my friends and they know my history. They're very empathetic. All of them moved away from the area I live so we keep in touch over social media and text. I feel like I'm annoying, awkward, or talk too much. I'd rather just not speak to anyone at all because of that. After I talk with them I feel like I did something wrong and feel ashamed. I don't know if I said anything stupid or if they think negative things about me.

I've had platonic and romantic relationships where I've felt this way before. Eventually, I cut those people off. When I'd speak about those people to my therapist she would tell me that they were toxic people. That makes sense, you know? Those people did things to make me feel bad about myself in many ways. I'm afraid that I'll lose my close friends because of the things my ex-friends/boyfriends would criticize me for.

I notice that I've been rambling a lot when I speak to my friends. Sending long texts and/or multiple ones. If I'm on the phone with them we talk for a long time and I think I don't follow the natural flow of conversation. I feel self-centered and self-absorbed or at least I think that's how I'm acting. On occasion, I feel like I'm a downer. I'm generally not relaxed around people in general. Apparently, I can't hide my insecurities. I often am so nervous that I just blurt out whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I do that without realizing it (as if I zone out and say weird things that are inappropriate or highly offensive). I've been getting random memories of how I've acted in the past where it was awkward or did something outside of the social norm that's considered odd or off-putting.

Everything I just wrote is why I want to isolate myself. I feel like I'll save myself from ridicule or negative feelings toward myself. My close friends worry about me when we don't speak after a while. They get worried about me and wonder if I'm okay (I have a history of attempts and ideation). My family feels that way too. Especially my cousin (she can tell when I'm that upset).

I just don't want anyone to worry/be concerned about me anymore. I don't want to feel like an idiot and overthink everything. I honestly feel really dumb when I talk to anyone.

I don't think I'm being authentic - that I have to act humorous to feel good around people so they won't think I'm weird or something. That's another one. I've been told that I'm weird consistently throughout my life ever since I was a kid. I don't really know why to be honest and I'm afraid of the answer.

I'm also very shy and afraid of both men and women. I try to be friendly with men, but I think I make them uncomfortable. I'm afraid of women because they generally pick on me or bully me. It's hard to make friends or even meet someone in the romantic sense. I don't really know how to flirt. Men can tell that I'm vulnerable - that's not an attractive trait. I've only dated guys that showed interest in me but took advantage of me because of that. They've exploited my mental health issues for their own personal gain. They also couldn't handle me at my worst. I think I may have tired them out or something so I ended up as a nuisance and it became extremely frustrating for them. My therapist told me that the guys I've dated weren't healthy and she's right. All of them were pretty much addicts of some kind.

I don't want to put myself at risk of being in those situations anymore so I don't bother attempting to befriend anyone. I've also decided recently that I want to be celibate because of my awkwardness, mental health, and vulnerability. My therapist tells me that the guys I chose aren't healthy anyway. I'd rather live in my own bubble by myself - isolated and in solitude. It seems safer for me that way.

I've always preferred animals over humans too. I grew up on a farm and felt most comfortable, safe, accepted, and connected to them more than other people. Rereading this post just makes me feel sad. Honestly, I just feel so bad about myself that I don't want anyone to deal with me and how "weird" I am.
Your feelings seem so similar to mine. I've been isolating more and more over the last few years. The insecurities drive me crazy and I stay alone so I don't have to experience feeling worthless or stupid or whatever. I know I'm projecting but it's hard to convince myself of the truth.
It's been helpful to just acknowledge that I'm sick and sometimes struggle with all this, and that's not going to completely stop. I can only learn to move through these bad times with as little damage as possible. Don't beat yourself up for feeling insecure, just go right to healthy coping skills. Those down times are the ones that we need to be EXTRA kind to ourselves. If you need to be alone, take the time to do things to build your self esteem. I like to try new arts or crafts, music, healthy food and exercise. Whatever you like to do to nourish your body and mind. Then, when you're eventually feeling stronger, you can work on relationships with others. It's ok to need alone time to recover and rebuild.
Remember that those feelings of insecurity are lies. Your brain is sending you wrong signals. Sometimes you just need to tell your brain to shut up🤣.
 
Honestly, I just feel so bad about myself that I don't want anyone to deal with me and how "weird" I am.
One of the best tricks I’ve ever learned is not to make decisions for other people.

(Amongst other things? Trust issues in spades, I don’t trust them to make the “right” choice, and I care about them, so my impulse is to make decisions “for them”. Super uncool & disrespectful, on my part; denying them their own agency, the right & responsibility to make their own choices, for their own reasons, and to know their own minds.)

I AM, however, perfectly within my rights to make decisions for myself, in my own life.

- So if I catch myself avoiding people for their own good? I stop myself. Snort. Often repeatedly. >.<

- But??? If I simply don’t have the energy to deal with them, their emotions, to be a good friend, etc.? -OR- Don’t have the self confidence that I can remain in control, exercise good judgement, etc.? -OR-
Dont actually like/enjoy their company, need better friends, etc.? -OR- Am having to prioritize what needs doing most, and they are soooooo nowhere near the top of the list, much as I like/respect/enjoy their company and who they are as people? Et Cetera. Et Cetera.
THAT is both totally kosher AND it gives me a really honest framework of where I’m at, and what I need to be working on/ working towards. Rather than self-sabotaging self-hatred, as that’s a bottomless freaking well.
 
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i like to personify my psycho symptoms. thinking of them as entities makes it easier for me to understand and change the habits attached. my "social anxiety beast" talks very similar to what you have posted here. through hyper-expression, it cries, "help me. love me. hug me." through isolation, it cries, "you're hopeless, helpless and unlovable." can we pick one and make it work, silly critter?

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case.
 
I totally hear you. Shame in my book is not a self esteem issue. It is I am all wrong issue. You are not. That is the truth. Rather than black or white, isolate or stay connected to unhealthy people or sabotage yourself find middle ground. I find when I feel like isolating I set a week to do that. This is where I begin to get in touch with myself. Time out does work but not forever for me. On the one hand we are not healthy with out of control behavior but on the other hand isolating permanently is unhealthy. I am sure you are intelligent as you express yourself well. Again most of us have had these issues. One thing I am thinking of is anxiety..I mean social anxiety. Please talk to your therapist about it. Healthy relationships. Go slow. Look at their character, hold a job, balance a check book. Family relationships. The types of relationships that you describe are dangerous emotionally and physically. Take your week and a notebook and read as many of Anthony’s articles as you can. My guess and thought is if you study and apply you will find some solid footing to start. If it were me I would ask your therapist could there be other issues or disorders I have. I also realized people think so little about me yet I think they are thinking things about me all the time. This is part of my narcissistic quality. It is all about me. Notice I did not say narcissism but narcissistic trait. Sometimes I do not realize I am not that important to think everyone is thinking about me. So many times I have felt like you…I talked too much,,I said the wrong thing and worry and ruminate to come to find out my perception is wrong. Don’t go black or white..go learn all you can. Keep a diary and notebook. Please do not set yourself up for self sabotage. Your life is worth it. Make a plan when you have suicidal ideation. That is the part of shame. …say I am not all right. I am all wrong. You are not. You are just like so many of us that are on guard against these triggers. Best to you on your journey. I am hopeful.
 
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