littlestars
Confident
I'm not exactly sure why, but lately, I just want to isolate myself from my friends. A little background, I'm very close with my friends and they know my history. They're very empathetic. All of them moved away from the area I live so we keep in touch over social media and text. I feel like I'm annoying, awkward, or talk too much. I'd rather just not speak to anyone at all because of that. After I talk with them I feel like I did something wrong and feel ashamed. I don't know if I said anything stupid or if they think negative things about me.
I've had platonic and romantic relationships where I've felt this way before. Eventually, I cut those people off. When I'd speak about those people to my therapist she would tell me that they were toxic people. That makes sense, you know? Those people did things to make me feel bad about myself in many ways. I'm afraid that I'll lose my close friends because of the things my ex-friends/boyfriends would criticize me for.
I notice that I've been rambling a lot when I speak to my friends. Sending long texts and/or multiple ones. If I'm on the phone with them we talk for a long time and I think I don't follow the natural flow of conversation. I feel self-centered and self-absorbed or at least I think that's how I'm acting. On occasion, I feel like I'm a downer. I'm generally not relaxed around people in general. Apparently, I can't hide my insecurities. I often am so nervous that I just blurt out whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I do that without realizing it (as if I zone out and say weird things that are inappropriate or highly offensive). I've been getting random memories of how I've acted in the past where it was awkward or did something outside of the social norm that's considered odd or off-putting.
Everything I just wrote is why I want to isolate myself. I feel like I'll save myself from ridicule or negative feelings toward myself. My close friends worry about me when we don't speak after a while. They get worried about me and wonder if I'm okay (I have a history of attempts and ideation). My family feels that way too. Especially my cousin (she can tell when I'm that upset).
I just don't want anyone to worry/be concerned about me anymore. I don't want to feel like an idiot and overthink everything. I honestly feel really dumb when I talk to anyone.
I don't think I'm being authentic - that I have to act humorous to feel good around people so they won't think I'm weird or something. That's another one. I've been told that I'm weird consistently throughout my life ever since I was a kid. I don't really know why to be honest and I'm afraid of the answer.
I'm also very shy and afraid of both men and women. I try to be friendly with men, but I think I make them uncomfortable. I'm afraid of women because they generally pick on me or bully me. It's hard to make friends or even meet someone in the romantic sense. I don't really know how to flirt. Men can tell that I'm vulnerable - that's not an attractive trait. I've only dated guys that showed interest in me but took advantage of me because of that. They've exploited my mental health issues for their own personal gain. They also couldn't handle me at my worst. I think I may have tired them out or something so I ended up as a nuisance and it became extremely frustrating for them. My therapist told me that the guys I've dated weren't healthy and she's right. All of them were pretty much addicts of some kind.
I don't want to put myself at risk of being in those situations anymore so I don't bother attempting to befriend anyone. I've also decided recently that I want to be celibate because of my awkwardness, mental health, and vulnerability. My therapist tells me that the guys I chose aren't healthy anyway. I'd rather live in my own bubble by myself - isolated and in solitude. It seems safer for me that way.
I've always preferred animals over humans too. I grew up on a farm and felt most comfortable, safe, accepted, and connected to them more than other people. Rereading this post just makes me feel sad. Honestly, I just feel so bad about myself that I don't want anyone to deal with me and how "weird" I am.
I've had platonic and romantic relationships where I've felt this way before. Eventually, I cut those people off. When I'd speak about those people to my therapist she would tell me that they were toxic people. That makes sense, you know? Those people did things to make me feel bad about myself in many ways. I'm afraid that I'll lose my close friends because of the things my ex-friends/boyfriends would criticize me for.
I notice that I've been rambling a lot when I speak to my friends. Sending long texts and/or multiple ones. If I'm on the phone with them we talk for a long time and I think I don't follow the natural flow of conversation. I feel self-centered and self-absorbed or at least I think that's how I'm acting. On occasion, I feel like I'm a downer. I'm generally not relaxed around people in general. Apparently, I can't hide my insecurities. I often am so nervous that I just blurt out whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I do that without realizing it (as if I zone out and say weird things that are inappropriate or highly offensive). I've been getting random memories of how I've acted in the past where it was awkward or did something outside of the social norm that's considered odd or off-putting.
Everything I just wrote is why I want to isolate myself. I feel like I'll save myself from ridicule or negative feelings toward myself. My close friends worry about me when we don't speak after a while. They get worried about me and wonder if I'm okay (I have a history of attempts and ideation). My family feels that way too. Especially my cousin (she can tell when I'm that upset).
I just don't want anyone to worry/be concerned about me anymore. I don't want to feel like an idiot and overthink everything. I honestly feel really dumb when I talk to anyone.
I don't think I'm being authentic - that I have to act humorous to feel good around people so they won't think I'm weird or something. That's another one. I've been told that I'm weird consistently throughout my life ever since I was a kid. I don't really know why to be honest and I'm afraid of the answer.
I'm also very shy and afraid of both men and women. I try to be friendly with men, but I think I make them uncomfortable. I'm afraid of women because they generally pick on me or bully me. It's hard to make friends or even meet someone in the romantic sense. I don't really know how to flirt. Men can tell that I'm vulnerable - that's not an attractive trait. I've only dated guys that showed interest in me but took advantage of me because of that. They've exploited my mental health issues for their own personal gain. They also couldn't handle me at my worst. I think I may have tired them out or something so I ended up as a nuisance and it became extremely frustrating for them. My therapist told me that the guys I've dated weren't healthy and she's right. All of them were pretty much addicts of some kind.
I don't want to put myself at risk of being in those situations anymore so I don't bother attempting to befriend anyone. I've also decided recently that I want to be celibate because of my awkwardness, mental health, and vulnerability. My therapist tells me that the guys I chose aren't healthy anyway. I'd rather live in my own bubble by myself - isolated and in solitude. It seems safer for me that way.
I've always preferred animals over humans too. I grew up on a farm and felt most comfortable, safe, accepted, and connected to them more than other people. Rereading this post just makes me feel sad. Honestly, I just feel so bad about myself that I don't want anyone to deal with me and how "weird" I am.