Hi,
I'm currently undergoing EMDR for anxiety and panic attacks related to Cancer and I have a few questions about what is currently going on......please bear with me as I may ramble on a bit!
I don't want this to sound like some X Factor/talent show sob story (you'll see what I mean in the next paragraph) but I'm trying to understand what the hell is going on in my head after my most recent EMDR session.
Here goes....I was diagnosed with testicular Cancer 8 years ago, had the tumor removed and was given the all clear. Several months after this I was told that the cancer had returned and that I would have to under go Chemotherapy to destroy the tumor. I underwent the Chemo and was told that, after 3 months of treatment, the tumor had gone into remission and I have had no symptoms or return of the cancer since. However, the illness has caused a shift in the way I deal with things in my personal life and brought out all sorts of anxieties over death and relationships. At least I thought that was the cause.
During the past 8 years my anxieties over my death have accelerated out of control. I tried to get a handle on things by drinking heavily and resorting to other means. I recently realized that this wasn't helping anything and sought help and have enrolled in an alcohol dependency program which is run through the local health authority. In the past 8 months I have reduced my alcohol intake from 90 - 100 units a week (9 - 10 bottles of wine a week) to just under 25 units. This has been great for myself and my family. The down side to this is that my thought process seems to have gone into overdrive to the point where I had a nervous breakdown 8 weeks ago as I couldn't cope anymore.
Since my treatment I have been constantly thinking about my death, how it would happen, when it would happen, ruminating over how time has gone so quickly since the treatment and that I'm probably over halfway through my life if not more so and will die soon. I got really upset on hearing that Gary Speed had committed suicide and that Gadaffi was dead and seeing his near dead eyes in the papers worried and upset me loads. (Trust me I'm not pro Gadaffi before anyone comments). I would think about how both my parents are getting on to near their 70's and how they don't have much time left before the inevitable. This would also lead to my wife and daughter, not their deaths, but how, that when I die, and I'm convinced that its just around the corner, that my daughter would be brought up by another man and then realizing that my wife would find another man, fall in love again and worrying about everything that goes with that!
The trigger for my breakdown was a comment my wife made at a party we were at that left me feeling like my world had caved in. She mentioned, that whilst at a pub near where we were at, over 11 years ago, she had pulled a local and had sex with him in a field. A one night stand. Before I go on, the sex is not the issue just, I think, the tipping point or straw that broke the camels back. She is in no way to blame for how I'm feeling and I have been no saint prior to our relationship, which she is fully aware of. At the time my wife wasn't aware of how bad things were inside my head.
The thing is we have had the conversation years ago about previous partners etc and I have never had an issue with any of it. So why the huge flood of emotions? I felt angry, I felt like her dalliance had happened the day before, not over 11 years ago. It felt as if she had cheated on me and that the past 11 years of our relationship hadn't happened. It made me feel sick, panicked, anxious and ripped my world apart.
Since this happened I have been off work with my brain going into overdrive, unable to stop thinking about all the death stuff, when will my illness return along with does my wife love me, does she want to be with me, questioning weather or not she has been honest with me about previous partners and have found it hard to discuss or think about anything that falls outside our relationship and its time lines. I'm a neurotic, jealous, scarred, insecure wreak of a man! Something which I have never been in the past, not since school/my teenage years.
Now , my work have known about my issues with drinking and using it as a tool for suppressing negative thoughts surrounding my own death and were supportive when I took 4 weeks off work to combat my alcohol issues last year. As I've said before my thoughts about my death etc had been getting worse and worse prior to my breakdown and work were aware of this as I have regular 1 -2 - 1 meetings with my boss. When I rang him after my breakdown he was very supportive and suggested that he may be able to fund some EMDR sessions through the company as the Cancer and its issues could be seen as a traumatic event and would investigate. Thankfully my work were very happy to assist and I recently started a course of EMDR which has helped me deal with some of my feelings towards cancer and its after affects and my next session is to help me deal with feelings towards mine and others mortality. From the previous sessions it seems I've always had a fear of death since I was small and that the Cancer has accelerated my feelings and emotions to breaking point
Since my last session it feels that something has changed though. The whole fear of death thing is still there but my anxieties over my wife seem to have been alleviated. Now my anxieties over my wife weren't dealt with in the session as it's purely Death and Cancer related. But last night I came to realize that I have had the insecurities over sex, faithfulness and worrying about losing someone ever since I was extremely young. I have remembered things from being really young that I haven't thought of for years. Is this natural after a session that issues and other memories that have been buried for 30+ years can re-emerge?
I'll be open and honest, I was adopted at an early age and have known for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and brought up in a secure family that never showed signs of breaking up and both my parents are still together now. What I realized last night was that my fears of losing my wife and my insecurities stem from; whenever I was bad or naughty as a child (From the age of around 7-8) my parents would say that they would take me back to the adoption agency if I carried on or my Dad would say that my Mum would do to me what she'd done to her Dad (My Granddad) which was, in my mind, not talk to me ever again (My Mum fell out with her parents when I was 8/9ish and they never spoke again and didn't attend my Granddads funeral).
The thing is I've not thought about this for years until early this morning. And maybe I've done some of my own Cod psychology but, and this is where I would welcome comments, help etc, I feel a lot better about things. Here's my reasoning why and please comment (If you're still reading):
1) The comment my wife made felt as it did because it added fuel to the flames of my fears of her having sex with another man after I die. This opened up a whole raft of anxieties that have never been dealt with previously. It felt like the event had happened yesterday and that as it was so easy for her to have sex with someone else (Although years ago) then it would be easy to do the same after I die. At the time of the conversation it felt like I'd lost her already. Does that make sense?
2) My insecurities over relationships, trust, rejection and loss stem from my parents threat of excommunication and being sent back to the adoption agency so I have never felt able to trust or have confidence in myself or others but have dealt with it by ignoring it for years.
3) The trigger for my breakdown could have been anything that worried me to do with mine or close others deaths. It happened as a result of a huge fear manifesting itself as a possible reality?
4) Without the trauma of Cancer non of this would have manifested itself and I wouldn't have been as caught up in, what feels like, the impending reality of my own death.
Thank you for being patient if you have got to the bottom of this. There is a lot more to this than I have written down so have condensed it as best I could. You're comments and advice is welcome.
Thanks,
Thecud.
I'm currently undergoing EMDR for anxiety and panic attacks related to Cancer and I have a few questions about what is currently going on......please bear with me as I may ramble on a bit!
I don't want this to sound like some X Factor/talent show sob story (you'll see what I mean in the next paragraph) but I'm trying to understand what the hell is going on in my head after my most recent EMDR session.
Here goes....I was diagnosed with testicular Cancer 8 years ago, had the tumor removed and was given the all clear. Several months after this I was told that the cancer had returned and that I would have to under go Chemotherapy to destroy the tumor. I underwent the Chemo and was told that, after 3 months of treatment, the tumor had gone into remission and I have had no symptoms or return of the cancer since. However, the illness has caused a shift in the way I deal with things in my personal life and brought out all sorts of anxieties over death and relationships. At least I thought that was the cause.
During the past 8 years my anxieties over my death have accelerated out of control. I tried to get a handle on things by drinking heavily and resorting to other means. I recently realized that this wasn't helping anything and sought help and have enrolled in an alcohol dependency program which is run through the local health authority. In the past 8 months I have reduced my alcohol intake from 90 - 100 units a week (9 - 10 bottles of wine a week) to just under 25 units. This has been great for myself and my family. The down side to this is that my thought process seems to have gone into overdrive to the point where I had a nervous breakdown 8 weeks ago as I couldn't cope anymore.
Since my treatment I have been constantly thinking about my death, how it would happen, when it would happen, ruminating over how time has gone so quickly since the treatment and that I'm probably over halfway through my life if not more so and will die soon. I got really upset on hearing that Gary Speed had committed suicide and that Gadaffi was dead and seeing his near dead eyes in the papers worried and upset me loads. (Trust me I'm not pro Gadaffi before anyone comments). I would think about how both my parents are getting on to near their 70's and how they don't have much time left before the inevitable. This would also lead to my wife and daughter, not their deaths, but how, that when I die, and I'm convinced that its just around the corner, that my daughter would be brought up by another man and then realizing that my wife would find another man, fall in love again and worrying about everything that goes with that!
The trigger for my breakdown was a comment my wife made at a party we were at that left me feeling like my world had caved in. She mentioned, that whilst at a pub near where we were at, over 11 years ago, she had pulled a local and had sex with him in a field. A one night stand. Before I go on, the sex is not the issue just, I think, the tipping point or straw that broke the camels back. She is in no way to blame for how I'm feeling and I have been no saint prior to our relationship, which she is fully aware of. At the time my wife wasn't aware of how bad things were inside my head.
The thing is we have had the conversation years ago about previous partners etc and I have never had an issue with any of it. So why the huge flood of emotions? I felt angry, I felt like her dalliance had happened the day before, not over 11 years ago. It felt as if she had cheated on me and that the past 11 years of our relationship hadn't happened. It made me feel sick, panicked, anxious and ripped my world apart.
Since this happened I have been off work with my brain going into overdrive, unable to stop thinking about all the death stuff, when will my illness return along with does my wife love me, does she want to be with me, questioning weather or not she has been honest with me about previous partners and have found it hard to discuss or think about anything that falls outside our relationship and its time lines. I'm a neurotic, jealous, scarred, insecure wreak of a man! Something which I have never been in the past, not since school/my teenage years.
Now , my work have known about my issues with drinking and using it as a tool for suppressing negative thoughts surrounding my own death and were supportive when I took 4 weeks off work to combat my alcohol issues last year. As I've said before my thoughts about my death etc had been getting worse and worse prior to my breakdown and work were aware of this as I have regular 1 -2 - 1 meetings with my boss. When I rang him after my breakdown he was very supportive and suggested that he may be able to fund some EMDR sessions through the company as the Cancer and its issues could be seen as a traumatic event and would investigate. Thankfully my work were very happy to assist and I recently started a course of EMDR which has helped me deal with some of my feelings towards cancer and its after affects and my next session is to help me deal with feelings towards mine and others mortality. From the previous sessions it seems I've always had a fear of death since I was small and that the Cancer has accelerated my feelings and emotions to breaking point
Since my last session it feels that something has changed though. The whole fear of death thing is still there but my anxieties over my wife seem to have been alleviated. Now my anxieties over my wife weren't dealt with in the session as it's purely Death and Cancer related. But last night I came to realize that I have had the insecurities over sex, faithfulness and worrying about losing someone ever since I was extremely young. I have remembered things from being really young that I haven't thought of for years. Is this natural after a session that issues and other memories that have been buried for 30+ years can re-emerge?
I'll be open and honest, I was adopted at an early age and have known for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and brought up in a secure family that never showed signs of breaking up and both my parents are still together now. What I realized last night was that my fears of losing my wife and my insecurities stem from; whenever I was bad or naughty as a child (From the age of around 7-8) my parents would say that they would take me back to the adoption agency if I carried on or my Dad would say that my Mum would do to me what she'd done to her Dad (My Granddad) which was, in my mind, not talk to me ever again (My Mum fell out with her parents when I was 8/9ish and they never spoke again and didn't attend my Granddads funeral).
The thing is I've not thought about this for years until early this morning. And maybe I've done some of my own Cod psychology but, and this is where I would welcome comments, help etc, I feel a lot better about things. Here's my reasoning why and please comment (If you're still reading):
1) The comment my wife made felt as it did because it added fuel to the flames of my fears of her having sex with another man after I die. This opened up a whole raft of anxieties that have never been dealt with previously. It felt like the event had happened yesterday and that as it was so easy for her to have sex with someone else (Although years ago) then it would be easy to do the same after I die. At the time of the conversation it felt like I'd lost her already. Does that make sense?
2) My insecurities over relationships, trust, rejection and loss stem from my parents threat of excommunication and being sent back to the adoption agency so I have never felt able to trust or have confidence in myself or others but have dealt with it by ignoring it for years.
3) The trigger for my breakdown could have been anything that worried me to do with mine or close others deaths. It happened as a result of a huge fear manifesting itself as a possible reality?
4) Without the trauma of Cancer non of this would have manifested itself and I wouldn't have been as caught up in, what feels like, the impending reality of my own death.
Thank you for being patient if you have got to the bottom of this. There is a lot more to this than I have written down so have condensed it as best I could. You're comments and advice is welcome.
Thanks,
Thecud.
