Emdr Hiatus, Heartbroken

[Panda Bear]

Maybe this is petty and small, maybe I'm being childish and stupid. Maybe I'm just heartbroken....

T and I have been plowing pretty hard since the first of September(when my kiddos went back to school and I could focus and more and had no tiny people at home) it's been bumpy, but making headway. I had an incident with my middle child this week, he is showing early signs of bipolar and is in a massive manic phase. It's been difficult and extremely distressing at home for almost 2 months. I've been working hard with T despite the stress at home. Emdr and all. Well, I got angry at him on Saturday night and made a mistake. Immediately knew, stopped, called my in-laws for help. Then left a message for T and told him what I had done.

T called today and said maybe we need to put emdr on the back burner....I've developed a hair trigger, almost violent reaction to distress or noise. I've been trying to contain it, but it's not working. I'll be fine and then with out warning, something will happen(noise, touch, kid stuff) and I'll snap and scream at the offender. I know it's wrong, my body seems to have zero warning system right now. It's just reacting, and reacting badly.

I'm heartbroken for my son who can't control himself and I'm heartbroken that the emdr may be contributing to the stress between him and I. But, I'm also doing this work for him and my family, so that I can heal and give them a better life. T thinks we need to back off and breathe more, talk more until the holidays pass(lots of triggers) Maybe were not quit where we had hoped.

I feel like a failure and so much shame for how I treated my son. I just want out of therapy so bad.

 

[Justmehere]

You are not a failure. :hug: You have a ton of things on your plate. You noticed things were getting out of hand and you have done so many things right to reach out for help. It stinks to make a mistake, especially with a kid, but you are handling it well. Making a mistake is an opportunity to learn and make changes and you are doing that hard work of making those changes.

I have had to take a couple of breaks in trauma work myself because my symptoms got too high. I used to get really down and frustrated about it. I thought I was a failure too. My old trauma therapist used to tell me over and over, "setbacks are not an end to recovery, but a normal and expected part of the process of recovery."

The trauma therapist I see now says that it's not even a setback to have to pause for a bit to regroup and re-stabilize and get through high trigger times. It's simply just part of the process.

We actually plan regular breaks now from trauma work to work on skills, boundaries, relationship issues, unhelpful defense mechanisms, etc.

It's a little like training for a marathon. To complete a marathon, someone has to plan in rest periods or they will overtrain and find themselves running slower and slower despite the fact that they are training more and more. Science has shown that constant training without adequate rest periods leads to the body breaking down. Rest periods from the heavy training are just as important as the training itself.

Trauma therapy can be like that. It has to be paced, and sometimes the pace includes pauses so that our nervous systems can recover.

EMDR in particular is well known for leading to symptoms spiking outside of sessions. Maybe during this time you and your therapist can look at some other trauma therapies like ACT, CBT, DBT, etc, that can still work on reducing symptoms too - and maybe you will learn some new things you may not have learned without this pause.

Hang in there. You are doing good work even in the midst of this difficult time. :hug:

 

[aut555]

The disclaimer about therapy, is it's a couple steps back sometimes but l was never told this. Maybe a code word, when you say code word, it means to your son, give mommy a five min break. Like buy a kitchen timer, he could set it for five minutes. This acknowledges you and helps you refocus and draw your energy to a healthy place with a little time. Just an off the wall suggestion.

 

[Friday]

I try and remember this is what my kid feels like. When disappointment is crushing, because it's new. When self control isn't automatic, because it's being learned.

Does it mean he's stupid? No. It means he's learning.

So how do I help my kid learn? How would I treat him? Maybe I can take that, and reverse it. Treat myself as I would want him treated.

 

[Sandstone]

You have an opportunity to use this for your son to learn from you. It is the perfect opportunity for you to model acknowledging to him that you got it wrong and apologising, without making it all about you. Parents do make mistakes, on every scale, and we only have to be good enough, not perfect all the time.

What support do you have with your children? You mentioned your in-laws. Are they good people to lean on? And are your children old enough to understand that you are having treatment that hurts now but will make things better in future?

 

[Panda Bear]

My son has multiple disabilities, and lacks the verbal language to communicate at age level. So, it's very hard for him to understand what's going on. We're dealing with such extreme behaviors in a child that I can't alway explain things too. He also doesn't have the ability to walk away from me(even with a timer) when he's upset or vs versa. Often times he requires constant care, and we have no in home help. He can stay with my in laws for a few days at a time, and we do this a few times a year. They are very safe people and love my kids.

As soon as I lost my temper, I got down and told him one was sorry fo doing so. He may not understand, but I tried very hard to be sorry.

My issue this time around, was the lack of warning that I was reaching my breaking point. T and I had and have been super safe, and worked on me communicating a need for help with my son, before I reached my breaking point. Something is wrong, I've been having issues for a few weeks, not feeling upset and then snapping for no reason. I'm going from zero to a thousand in a nanosecond. I can't feel myself escalating! That's where we got into a dangerous situation this weekend. I've been good at calling my husband at work, asking for help from in laws etc. But I've been missing the mark, and can't feel myself escalating.

I promise, I apologized to him and tried to help him understand. I told T straight away that there's was a safety issue happening at home.

It's a discouraging mess all around.

 

[Sandstone]

I understand a lot more now. You have a tough road to walk.

I know what you mean about not being able to recognise what is happening. I've experienced much the same as soon as therapy starts touching on the actual traumas. That was just talk therapy, not even EMDR. Things would go from stable to out of control with no warning and so no chance to manage it.

I'm in an enforced break from therapy, and using the time to work on grounding, distraction, soothing and all the rest. That wouldn't have been my choice, I'd have preferred to push on through, but I have no idea how safe it would be.

 

[Jung in the JUNGle]

It is actually possible to be overly aggressive in your therapy aspirations. Whilst a strong desire to put in the hard yards is vital it has to be tempered with where you are at and what you can cope with.

First of all stop beating yourself up, it doesn't help. Have some compassion for yourself. Nobody can solve difficult situations overnight and in the meantime you have to accept you will get out of control sometimes.

The biggest paradox in this whole psychology thing is we are all using the flawed instrument to fix itself. Your personal capacities will grow organically and trying to force them is reducing productivity. I have a term called 'brain soak', it is the time it takes for neural tissue (new synapse connections) to form. They are like a muscle and in sleep they become stronger and clearer. So you have to wait for your brain to catch up so to speak.

my estimate is your therapist can sense you are pushing too hard and wants to create a more natural organic growth path for you

Carpe Diem

 

[Panda Bear]

It was a shit hole of a therapy session....

I was an asshole and uncooperative. T wants me to talk to him about my special needs son, and I've never wanted to. It's private to me, and I've always kept him out of that part of my life. I tried in 2013...and it went badly, so I swore I'd never talk about it again. I said it wasn't his business and I don't have feelings over it.

T called my B.S......literally, saying B.S.

We fought, I got angry and mean, he calls my B.S. again.

Then he screamed
"OH BULL SHIT A!!!!!!!!!"

More heated discussing and crying on my part. Next week, I'll clean up the shit hole mess.