Emdr

[BpinkJ]

What if what I was told is correct? What if I can't keep a container or door closed? What if I really go insane!?

I know there are always people that have had it worse than me. I don't know if it would be so bad if it was only me. I am the second oldest of 6. I watched and saw what was done to my younger siblings. I protected them at times, but at times I didn't. I was tired.

I have forgotten so much. I looked up past reports of when my mother lost custody of us to the state. The things in the reports brought so many feelings and so much anger.

Many of the things I forgot about. In the report it lists some of my younger brothers saying how they were made to eat toenails in their cereal and eat cat litter. They were made to stand in front of a fan naked while water was throw on them. We were shocked by a device that had electric current. My one brother was cut between his toes with a knife where he needed stitches. They were made to perform oral sex, look at naked pictures of me.....and so on.

When I read the stuff it made me want to die. I don't want to revisit any of those memories, but then how will I get better? Some days I think I am better off being screwed up like I am now instead of risking remembering and fully falling off. I don't know what to tell my T.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

What if what I was told is correct? What if I can't keep a container or door closed? What if I really go...

I wish I had advice or could help you, I am so new at emdr and it helps me, but a tiny piece seems to take awhile. Can't imagine all of the stuff you went through in emdr. Could you let the therapist read the report and then ask T if emdr is the best route for your healing?

 

[BpinkJ]

The report only says some stuff not even the tip. I am going to let her see it and see what she says.

 

[Ruby Rose]

It's a real struggle - I'm in a similar situation where I don't want to relive the trauma or memories but i also don't want to live the rest of my life with the vivid memories. I agree with Texcat let your therapist help you decide.
For me once I starting processing one memory others came up and it can get pretty distressing.
However now that I've started processing I need to continue!

 

[zoie33]

I agree with Ruby Rose...in my experience once you start you open up Pandora's box and you really have to keep going (it will get much worse before it gets better) or live your life with all the constant memories. You have to make the ultimate decision on what you want for the rest of your life.
I agree with showing you T the report so he knows the extent of what you are dealing with before you begin. If he has enough experience I am confident that he will agree EMDR is a good choice. BUT, you have to be the one to make the final decision to move forward. I have about 20 years of multiple kinds of abuse from the age of 2 on. It is daunting when I think about it and my T said it will take a very long time. Best assumptions will be around 5 years but in the end it will be worth it. He also says it is not like I will be miserable until the last day and then magically I will be healed. Things will start improving little by little as time goes on. I have been doing EMDR fairly regularly for about 7 months now with a great T. I go twice a week and usually do EMDR only one day a week. Sometimes you have to take a break and talk and digest what you are processing. We have been skipping around to different traumas based on what is bothering me the most at the time but I am now trying to focus mainly on the last issue from college. Although it was traumatic it at least only last about 3 years so hopefully it will be one of the easier things to get through.

My heart goes out to you. What you described is horrible but EMDR can help you if you want to do it. From what my T has described EMDR is much less traumatic and intense than Prolonged Exposure Therapy. My T used that to clear out any residual issues once EMDR has done everything it can do. Definitely share with you therapist though so he can thoroughly prepare you with grounding techniques before you start in order to make sessions go as easy as possible. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just don't expect a quick fix. It is a fix but a long and slow one for people with years of complex trauma.