Emotional Affair

[darrenS]

i really feel for you , i seen your post earlier in the day and wanted to respond , its been bugging me all day , mainly because i truly understand how you feel. As your aware i ended my marriage because of my ptsd, it was hard and wrought merry hell for a while , i actually didnt want to do it , but felt for the sake of all i had to. My wife is one of only a few in her field and as such works with many males. Some of these males she is close too and i dont have a problem with it, however there is one colleague she has been close to for years.

This colleague is out of state and came to stay with me whilst in town , as my wife felt it inappropriate he stay at her house. We got drunk together and lo and behold many of my marital issues spilled out from his mouth. As you could imagine i was devastated and felt betrayed.

But then she had known this guy longer than me and nothing had ever happened , they were just close and she couldnt talk to me in the dying days of our marriage.

As much as i ended it , no sooner did i want to repair it and she just wasnt sure she wanted to . To survive i truly had to let go , there was no way i could get better dealing with the uncertainty and indecisiveness. This also meant that whenever i went to my old home , i would get upset and the emotional flashbacks would start, and then the spiral would being , it was just constant emotional flashbacks and it took a while to get a hold on them.

I suppose what i am saying to you , is create some distance , just for your own safety , sometimes we just have to accept that we cant force our partners back into the fold and coupled with the fact we are stressed out, probably reacting and also acting unstable.

There is a very good reason they dont want to commit again, we havent had enough treatment to get a handle on things and they dont want the constant merry go round of bickering , reactions and possible accusations, fights etc.

I know its gut wrenching and it hurts , really hurts, we feel rejected and somewhat abandoned , we cannot afford to invest all our value into a broken relationship, we need to focus on ourselves and let them go.

Strangely since i have done this and given my ex wife both the freedom to do as she chooses and to live in peace, things have changed considerably , we get along very well and although we are not planning to get back together, the friendship is solid. I have also been able to focus more clearly on what really happened , and in all honesty im glad to be away from the bickering and fighting, its given me the time to focus truly on my own healing, it has also shown me that sometimes i run back in fear or want her back for the wrong reasons , and those reasons will not sustain a relationship.

Let it go, safe yourself the hurt and get yourself better , at times i know its really hard to hear but i do wish you the best and anytime you feel the need to go over it , dont hesitate to reach out as im more than willing to support you through this any way i can

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

, its been bugging me all day , mainly because i truly understand how you feel....dont hesitate to reach out as im more than willing to support you through this any way i can

You just summed up how I feel, thanks, I really appreciate your response.

 

[darrenS]

may be im showing my age , but sheez you look like that old St Kilda Player Tony Locke

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

may be im showing my age , but sheez you look like that old St Kilda Player Tony Locke

Lol.

Today we had a really good discussion and it so much clearer the harm my PTSD had done over the last 2 years, specifically, my inability to accept things without challenging them. This has to some degree been the cause for her abandonment feelings, I really feel for her, this sh*t sucks.....I feel for her, and me at the same time I've realised more so that when one is struggling 'surviving' the relationship is busy dying....

I've been so bent on getting right and self absorbed in surviving that I've failed to sit down with her and talk about the future, plan it, have a sense of direction etc... Thus the result is I've appeared to be not interested in the future... But I did have a plan, I was just stuck on trying to work out what was going on inside me, how I'm too much of this and not enough of that etc so I could one day be leveled out and good for it.

This affliction is so ingrained and disguised, it's not like " hey you've got a bad lung" and then everyone that cares about you understands and can cater to it.... I wasn't even aware that I was being a certain type of way. It's almost like them stats you see where alcohol kills more people than hard drugs because it's so pervasive and apparently benign.

I'm so glad I've started therapy, hopefully we can salvage something, anything.

 

[The Albatross]

It is very tough to see the damage we with PTSD can do to our relationships. Glad you had a discussion, but think you need to set a boundary with your partner on the deception and lying.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Glad you had a discussion, but think you need to set a boundary with your partner on the deception and lying.

Agreed, though without going into it all I can see she wasn't acting with Malice through any if it, though I still felt violated I can see she was lost and it's led to some poor decisions she since regrets in... She's such an honest person otherwise, it's like stress combined with pain and knowing I'd be difficult about it skewed everything.

 

[The Albatross]

It does skew everything. But it is an opportunity to use as a pivotal moment, reinvesting in your partnership versus reactivity.

 

[Tinyflame]

Today we had a really good discussion and it so much clearer the harm my PTSD had done over the last 2 years, specifically, my inability to accept things without challenging them. This has to some degree been the cause for her abandonment feelings, I really feel for her, this sh*t sucks.....I feel for her, and me at the same time I've realised more so that when one is struggling 'surviving' the relationship is busy dying..

I've been so bent on getting right and self absorbed in surviving that I've failed to sit down with her and talk about the future, plan it, have a sense of direction etc... Thus the result is I've appeared to be not interested in the future... But I did have a plan, I was just stuck on trying to work out what was going on inside me, how I'm too much of this and not enough of that etc so I could one day be leveled out and good for it.

This affliction is so ingrained and disguised.

Totally agree.

Best wishes to you both.

 

[darrenS]

You sound a bit happier today , im glad to hear it

 

[Powder]

People do dumb things when they are in pain and not thinking straight. But, then they should learn and not do it again if they care about #2 on the list. You are worth relating to, and no, it was not okay to share the intimate issues with someone not intimated connected to both of you and with your blessing or permission. It is a violation of trust.

Have I made this mistake in the past like your GF? Yes, and I regretted that it hurt the one I love. I won't make that mistake again. It can still hurt us, if we let it. But a good relationship stands the test of time and of hurts, if not repeated and if forgiven. As the forgiven one, the battle becomes not thinking of oneself as "less than" the other party and setting up a whole new negative dynamic.

She needs to be unequivocally forgiven and only reminded of this in tones of forgiveness and fairness, if and when, she feels safe enough to admit that she was wrong and is very fortunate to have you and the relationship more or less intact to repair with her continued loved and even greater commitment.

Everyone can make mistakes but not everyone can admit it or forgive. These things deepen a truly beautiful and special relationship. Pete Walker said a relationship of any kind, tested, that is repaired grows to feel even stronger for it.

I wish that for you both, but if it is not to be, I wish a good life for you, one of true friendships.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Weeks,later, much reflection and I see now that I've probably been blindly blaming the PTSD diagnosis for the majority of the issues when truth is it's not that way.

It's amazing how diagnosis at such a time can skew your view.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

And to add to this, when your diagnosed it's very easy to reflectively sink into a hole and blame the PTSD for the majority of the conflicts... Whilst it was relevant, it wasn't the cause.