General Emotional Detachment And Parenting

[Left Behind Spouse]

Hello All,
I am very recently separated and divorced from a potential sufferer. He is undiagnosed and untreated.

In April, he returned from a work trip and told me he "just couldn't do it anymore" and left within the week. Yes, we had our problems, and I am not entirely blaming PTSD. Marriage is also something you try and survive at times, especially, when both partners have issues and protective defenses.

The emotional detachment (whether PTSD or not) has been especially confusing and maddening for me. I finally came across the threads on this last evening, and more puzzle pieces came together. I am so thankful for this site.

I will find with my ex-husband that he is mostly detached and "business-like" in email/texts, but he seems scared and emotional around me, then detached, then angry, then calms down and tries to be kind, and then gets outta dodge.

So, he didn't want any custody of the kids. Now I know why (stress cup). He's been fine with them though. He's affectionate enough, and he's always been militant/dutiful about their meals and schedule. He will have them on some weekends.

He is in complete denial might start treatment shortly... As stated, I cannot Google diagnose him with PTSD, but he had a tremendously chaotic childhood, did a few tours in the ME, and now does intelligence work traveling to dangerous countries. Anthony's PTSD document makes a LOT of sense to me.

Should I have any concerns about parenting?

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

I meant add the question - is it possible that his emotional detachment is just from me? I do feel like it is just from me. He's actually written and said "I miss the kids and the dogs terribly." lol There's really only one person left.

I feel like he definitely needs the "company" of the kids and to feel useful in order to keep his mind busy. He's never been reactive much as he internalizes EVERYTHING.

He's only had one huge blow out in the 10 years that I've known him where he got physical with me. It was downhill from there... he became isolated and I suppose severely depressed... looking back.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, first of all you deserve the company of someone that can commit to being the best he can in all areas of life. The spousal relationship is so much more complicated than having playtime with the kids. He may feel embarrassed about his inability to treat you with respect and I'm sorry I have zero tolerance of physical aggression. You are safe now, you believe he can hold it together with the kids and feel ok about them being with him. I would just keep a loving eye on the kids in case he's getting aggressive with them. He's detached from you because he's taking the geographical cure. Change my address change my marital status then everything will get easier-NOT. He needs professional help to learn skills for life. In his mind you may represent collateral damage. You can do better than that. If he gets honest with himself and gets help then he will have better relations with everyone. That happening is on the wing of a prayer. Best of luck and protect those kids.

 

[scout86]

is it possible that his emotional detachment is just from me?

I suppose, but I think of "emotional detachment" more as a way of dealing with "situations", not a way to deal with only one person.

Should I have any concerns about parenting?

Personally, I think everyone should have concerns about parenting all the time!

I had a really good friend who had PTSD. He went through a nasty divorce where his ex used his military history/PTSD as evidence he would be an unfit parent, so she could get full custody. She got full custody. The first time the kids came to visit him, they stayed. Turned out their "mother" didn't want them as much as she wanted to "win". My friend went on to raise them to adulthood and do a great job as a parent, near as I could tell, in spite of his own childhood problems. Then he shot himself. There IS no moral to this story. Just sayin' life is complicated, I guess.

So, if you're asking if someone with untreated PTSD can be a good parent, I'd say it's possible. I think a person with "treated" PTSD has a better chance to do a good job, though.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Thanks Scout and KwanYinGirl.
He's always been a good Dad. It's just the extreme personality change and obvious depression and anxiety I've seen over the summer... plus extreme denial. He's planning to start therapy this fall, so we'll see what transpires.
At first, he alienated himself from all of us, and then gradually came back to everyone but me.
Now he just wants to be my "best friend". But I am keeping my distance until he's in honest therapy.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

This is going to get really difficult, I suppose, before it gets better.

My ex-PTSDer has chosen workaholism and a new girlfriend as an escape.

Sadly, he has ramped up his schedule for the fall for work travel and a bunch of other weekends he is "not available". He wanted to come and go here to see the kids as he pleases on top of that, but I find him to highly manipulative to be around. So, I told him it's every other weekend, and if he is away or otherwise occupied, he misses out.

He went to therapy for the first time today, and told me even the therapist believes he should have more access to the kids. Well, travel with work is optional for him, so that is his choice.

He's even "unavailable" the weekend of his daughter's birthday, but he's in town....

Since the divorce, I'm been very straight forward with him in that he is headed down a destructive path. He's doing to his kids, just what his mom did to him. He's putting everything else first.

How long does the denial path usually last?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think you are setting good boundaries with him. I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out. As for denial, I know I lived with the belief that I had put my trauma behind me. For years and years. I still put on a false face for my children but they are grown now and my daughter finally had enough of my mood swings and anxiety. I've been in therapy for 11 years and still deny the full impact my traumas. Who wants to walk around feeling worthless and ashamed? That's what trauma leaves you with. I also overwork because I feel it's a place I can control and get positive feedback. I worked 7 days a week all summer.

He's going to alienate his children. I wish I had some magic elixir. If I had some, I'd probably guzzle the whole bottle like in the movie "Death Becomes Her". We end up hurting the people we love the most. I know for me, in my mind I am protecting them. This is a false belief. My daughter is coming up to have a two hour session with my therapist and me. I feel conflicted because obviously I did a shitty job of protecting her and she's finally had it with me. My son has a degree in psychology and he understands PTSD. He has boundaries and has always called me on the carpet when I'm off the rails.

So, yeah, it's taken me about 40 years of denial and I'm finally facing the full impact my traumas have had on me. You are wise to put your foot down and protect yours and your children from his dysfunction. Enabling him will just drag out the pain and confusion. PTSD is the pits. The pain is unbearable. I see behaviors in myself that are like my thoughtless mother and it makes me angry. I am trying though to move forward. I wish you well. I know it's very difficult for you. You really have to be steadfast in setting limits. It's the only way to not enable him.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Thanks Kwan Yin - I’m so sorry you had to be somewhat protected by denial for 40 years.

When I first start reading this site, I felt bad for him. I still do, but secretly, as I found he was still chipping away at me.

He's 34, and his body is already falling apart. I used to wonder why he'd get home from work and immediately dose himself with pain killers. and he'd be angry about every conversation he felt didn't go right thay day.

I know I am on the easy side of things even though he suddenly left us. It's certainly helped me to refocus my energy on the kids and myself.

I am going to a trauma specialist tomorrow who also specializes in divorce, the effects on children etc. I feel that I need to figure out how to interact with him without blowing my top, as he's shaped me into doing that... or walking away.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Now that we are not a couple and never will be again. I have not been holding back what I know. Before, I felt that the more I said, the more he would distance himself, but I have nothing to lose. I'm not labeling him or insulting him but rather giving him hints of what he is doing and why, and that it all won't work.

As he is estranged from his family, there is no one else who will tell him. I suppose I will eventually give up, but it's so hard to let him give up his kids for the sake of his job and love life....