Emotional Exhaustion

[HelenB]

The last couple of weeks has been so hard for me with seeing family and everything, including my dad and step dad, as I knew it was better to see them and deal with the internal aftermath than it would have been to confront anything at the moment, but now everyone has gone home I am just feeling so emotionally drained and struggling a lot.

Most of today I just haven't had any energy at all, and knew I did have to allow myself to have a break and have spent a lot of the day in bed and resting and my husband took the children out for me for quite a bit this afternoon, but still it is so hard to not feel angry with myself for even finding it hard and so hard to not just try and make it all go away and go back into that self destruct place.

I know for myself that not allowing myself to go back into self destruct is so important and though it has been so hard, do know that for the most part I have really been trying to do that, even when the emotions are so powerful, but still it is so hard.

At the moment I really am just feeling so crap and guilty for even letting any of it matter and not just being able to deal with the things I do have now. My children and husband are so amazing and such a blessing, but I just feel so drained and like I have so little left to give. All the emotions which have been coming up with seeing everyone have left me feeling so vulnerable and so much like I want to cry and cry and cry and scream and scream and scream, but even letting it all out is so hard and again feeling like that when I know I have so many different blessings now makes it so hard to not just be angry with myself and hate myself so much.

Again I know I cannot go there and do want to be able to stop being so hard on myself, but as I said that is just so hard and I wanted to write on here as I know there are others who are likely to be able to understand some of how I am feeling at the moment, and I know relating to others too is likely to help me also allow myself to feel more as I do and give me hope that I will be able to get through this and that effectively hating that little girl inside me and all the feelings which come with that isn't the only way.

Thank you for reading
Helen

 

[digger]

I understand. I hadn't reckoned on having to deal with my mum over the holiday period having such a massive effect on me as it has had this year. I am definitely beginning to really get the stress cup thing.

I know it's hard not to be tough on yourself, but try and look at what you've achieved over this period. You've done so well. Give yourself some credit for that.

Yes, you have blessings, and I'm really glad your husband is there for you and your children, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel like crap. Try to separate things a bit. They are good things in your life but having them doesn't magically make the bad things not to have happened unfortunately.

You can get through this.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am glad you are taking time for you to restore. You are drained and boy I can identify with that from the past.

This year I chose not to see family at all and still I've had to do two lay-downs a day these past weeks. It is less complicated for me. I have no children. My husband's kids are around my age and only one lives here. I sure feel for you. I'd be in a state of collapse if I had had to see my relatives.

I think you did fantastic and am glad you are aware of the self destruct mode and its danger. That little girl inside did nothing to harm anyone. Thats the truth. I know it takes time to feel that viscerally but it's good to keep Truth accessible. Feelings are not facts - though the feeling strength of them can seem to render the facts nearly mute. But the truth is other people, the ones that did you wrong, are deserving of the anger - not any part of you.

Anyway, the holidays are over. Hooray!

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much for your replies. It helps so much to have people who really can understand so much and I appreciate it so much.

@digger1 reminding me to separate out and recognise that the blessings I have now don't change the things which happened in the past helps so much. So often I just want to go into self destruct and make it all go away, but I know so well that that doesn't work and that those feelings which I had then have never gone away because I have never been able to allow myself to deal with them and I know that I do have to also give myself space to allow myself to work through that, even when it is so hard, and do know that is the only way.

@franciemarnie thank you for what you said about that little girl. I know it really is true that she does not deserve my anger at all. She was just a little girl and that hurts so much at the moment, but trying to get away from that hurt by hating her and being angry with her I know isn't going to help anything and though it is so hard, really am trying to not let myself go to that self destruct place so much any more. That is so hard. I feel so scared and the feelings feel so overwhelming and it is so so hard to know how else to deal with them, but I do know I have to and really am trying so much.

Thank you again so much.
Helen

 

[littlelostchild]

@HelenB I totally understand! My father is dead, but seeing my mother and having her chew me out for not caring is she 'froze in the dark' (I posted under success) was really tough for 2 days before I really processed the experience - I was hating myself during the first 24 hours. I agree with @digger and @franciemarnie.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know it's easy to say and harder to do, but you are worth it. Let yourself get rested and recover from seeing and interacting with everyone. It takes a lot of energy to put yourself into those situations and keep yourself safe, so it takes time to recharge.

Be well

 

[scout86]

I'll bet there are a LOT of people who can relate to feeling exhausted about now! Sounds like you've had plenty of extra stress and held things together real well. Now, you've earned a break, you deserve some rest, and you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to do just what you've been doing.....taking it easy for awhile. By getting the rest you need to recover, you are looking out for yourself, which is good, and you are putting yourself in the position to do the best for your family too. (Don't worry, we'll let you know if it looks like you're slacking off. So far, YOU'RE NOT!)

Keep taking care of yourself!

 

[Marf]

I understand completely what you are going through. It was hard for me to let myself cry (and scream) for so many reasons. One if the comments that helped me at that time was to remember that it is the little girl that is crying and screaming because it was not safe for her to let the pain out at the time, but it still needs to get out of you. That helped me because I felt ridiculous crying over things that happened so long ago. When I finally embrace the tears, it was such a cleansing release of bottled up pain and negative energy. Good luck! It is hard to find the time to release the emotions when you have kids.

 

[RussH]

@HelenB Did you know that a mirror can lie? As a kid I would go to the county fair, and would go into the "Hall of Mirrors". As I went to each mirror I would see myself. In one of the mirrors I would see a very fat me. In the next one there would be a very skinny me. There would also be a tall me, a short me, an hourglass shaped me etc. Each mirror was designed to present a specific distorted image of me.
Why am I talking about mirrors? You talked about hating the litte girl inside of you. I just wanted to point out it is not the little girl inside of you that is distorted, but the world has given you a distorted mirror in which you see the litte girl.
Try to see that little girl as God sees her.

 

[HelenB]

Thank you all so much for your support. I find it so hard to allow myself to have any break and your support and understanding is so helpful to me.

@Marf thank you for what you said about about letting all the negative emotions out. I know it is something I do find so hard and even not hating myself and not wanting to destroy myself for even having them is such a massive step for me, but I do know that the only way is to find ways to release them, and though I am so scared of them all and even how to deal with them, I do know that I really do want to allow that to finally be free and that that is the only way. In many ways it is so hard because the consequences of allowing it all to be real is so hard and the more I do connect to it the harder it all becomes, but I know I have to trust and believe that I will get through this and am really trying.

@RussH I find what you say about mirrors so interesting. It has been suggested a few times that I do mirror work to try and work on feelings about myself, but so far I have never been able to do it and even thinking about it makes me want to smash the mirror totally as I really do feel like I despise myself so much. I do know that working on those feelings is still so important and still am, and have come a long way, but what you say about mirrors and really seeing myself as I know God sees me, I know is such an important reminder, and though I still struggle so much with that little girl and feel so much like it is her fault and that she is so bad and dirty, I know that is not how God sees me, and am trying to work on that.

The problem with starting to accept that it is not just because I am bad is that then it just hurts so much and accepting and dealing with those feelings, especially when trying to balance being a mother and everything else is so hard, but I do know in reality that no matter how hard it is I do have to accept that I was just a little girl, a very broken and hurting little girl, and if I carry on being so angry with myself too and running from everything God says, then there is no way I will ever be free, and I know I do have to learn that I can trust God with it, no matter how hard I find it.

Thank you again for all your responses and support.

Helen

 

[digger]

In many ways it is so hard because the consequences of allowing it all to be real is so hard and the more I do connect to it the harder it all becomes,

The problem with starting to accept that it is not just because I am bad is that then it just hurts so much and accepting and dealing with those feelings, especially when trying to balance being a mother and everything else is so hard,

During this therapy break, I have figured out that this is the main reason I think that therapy is progressing so very slowly for me. I am afraid of the truth of it all and how facing up to it and accepting it will affect me. I am afraid it will break me. I am afraid I will fall apart. I cannot afford to do that. I am a parent. Falling apart isn't an option.

 

[HelenB]

That is so much what I feel like too. I have to not fall apart for my little people and find it so hard already. I know we have to take it a bit at a time as we can deal with it and also hold on to all the things we do have now and know for myself that I do have to find a balance and find that time for myself too, as it really is the only way to really find true freedom. I just wish it wasn't all so hard.

Thinking of you too at this time and know that though it is so hard do know it is the only way and that true freedom can come so that you can be the parent and person you deserve to be without so much holding you back which you do deserve freedom from. Though I know it is so hard the fact is that so far you have got through, be it with all the difficult consequences, and I know for me that holding on to what I have now, which I didn't have then, does help me when I get to that place of feeling everything so much, and hope for both of us that we really can be ready to come to a place where we can accept and really find freedom from all these things, knowing that facing them does in fact bring freedom as they are not happening any more and we really can now be safe, even when it feels so difficult in the middle of it all.

God bless
Helen

 

[Marf]

Helen, another thing that a therapist said to me that helped me a lot was to visualize: you walking into your childhood and seeing a child being treated the way you were, what would you do to comfort that child, how would you feel. Looking at your childhood from a 3rd person perception helps a lot.

It is amazing to me how unaccepting I can be of my own inner child's feeling, but yet accept and get angry for another child. We can be so hard on ourselves.