Emotional Flashbacks

[Srain]

So I was reading up on Emotional Flashbacks by Peter Walker, P.A. and this weekend I got a well enough virtual slap in the face with my 'black & white' thinking and my (excuse me while I puke!!!) 'neediness'. All in one sitting with my husband! If that doesn't take the wind out of your sails I really don't know what will. I have always thought of myself as a very independent person who, quite frankly, couldn't give a flying crap what anyone thinks of how I think or what I look like or what I do! So there you go, big wah!

Here I am trying to have a conversation with one of my best friends, favorite people, and he's giving me this. The worst part of it is I fly right into an Emotional Flashback because I've in and out of them all weekend, so whatever it is I say I am not sure but I am gone, going to in my safe room with my Service Animal throwing herself at the door because I forgot to let her in. I am remembering the conversation and I'm deeply embarrassed and yet I know these 2 things are the key to our 'arguments'!!

Just saying 'I'm sorry' to him is not going to work, I have to look into this further. So I do. I check out this through Peter Walker's article and yuck yuck yuck what he calls of the four Fs the Fighter right now simply because I have chosen to stop being the one that takes Flight. It's not pretty. I try to be controlling and I have my dukes up. Of course I've changed over the years trying to learn to sit still in one place and this is how I've learned to cope.

Black & White thinking. I love that way of thinking. I was raised with squishy boundaries. Sometimes they are here and sometimes they are there. If you are in my space I will make it very clear where they are and ask you where yours are from the start. I have been egotistically proud of this trait and have seen nothing wrong with it. You are either evil or you are not. You are either a cheater or not. You either did it or you didn't. You either understand or you don't. Tick tock!

My husband has tried to bring in the greys of the world to a closed mind, deaf ears, and blind eyes. Until this weekend I had never 'heard' him. It is a problem. At the same time he manages to bring up (once again but this time I hear like I've never heard it before, ugh!) how I 'seem so needy'. That I don't seem satisfied with his answers of fine when I ask how I look, and that I tend to need constant affirmation regarding the way I have rearranged the room to make it a bit less crowded, more to his preference - let me point out that he really wouldn't care one way or the other, if he did he wouldn't say, I usually do what I want and change it every few years so my worrying so much is unusual, he is not a complainer or talker of home decorum at all - I am literally sick to my stomach as he says this because I am not one to act this at all, I am freaking out. This need for attention and affirmation constantly. Where is it coming from????

When there are problems between US they are a problem. I love him very much.

Eyes are open and I must learn how to deal with issues and as they are for myself and see how they are a PTSD symptom.

I figured both the B & W thinking and the unusual neediness sending me into the Emotional Flashbacks are more than likely coming from the time when my mother was ignoring me because she caught my father abusing me and she was chasing my Bipolar Grandmother around the states trying to find her, wishing I would just go away.

Time to go to work on this.

Rain

 

[Srain]

Ok, did this not make sense?? Or am I am I being too super sensitive??

Rain

 

[Srain]

Ok, did this not make sense?? Or am I am I being too super sensitive?? I guess I mean has this happened to anyone? I don't I surely can't be the only this is happening to in a relationship or maybe I am.

It's been a rough go of it with crashing acute Migraines, being bed-ridden, med screwed up, and brain on 20%, all the while trying to function getting what I think is great info so I'm writing it down and printing it out for the tdoc anyway.

Ok, it's 4:30am so I'm going to have another cup of coffee, put my silly insecurities away and move to another post

Rain

 

[intothelight]

Hi Rain,

You are not being insecure, it is just hard sometimes to be patient when things are really bothering us. We question ourselves all the time and here is the only place that seems to provide the "strait up" answers.

I wrote something not long ago about emotional flashbacks, but of course I cannot remember what post it is in. When I read the article on this site, it was the very first time I found something that fit what I am experiencing and explained my "trauma amnesia".

Yes, everything you wrote made sense, and I cannot stand ambiguity. I also have a hard time when my husband is neutral, because I am never neutral. (Then of course I interpret it negatively and go about beating myself up

).

I am going to get the book you referenced as I feel there may be more in there to help me than in just about anything I've seen to date.

(((hugs)))
Deb

 

[Sterre]

So there you go, big wah!

Sorry Srain, your post made me laugh because of the way your annoyance is pouring out in every line. I feel it coming trough my computerscreen, and I can relate to it!

yuck yuck yuck

I to printed out the article about emotional flashbacks and handed them over to my T, she read it with great enthousiasm.

Tick tock!

Youre post made sense to me, I just don't know how to respond to it yet. Maybe later on I can find the right words.

Your insecurities are not silly, neither is your need for affirmation or attention. Just try to look at them without judging those feelings. Be kind to yourself!

 

[Srain]

HA!! You are so so right Sterre!! How much more annoyed could I sound??? I was just dripping with it

Like more coffee was going to help at that point! Actually, I decided to go for a chilly walk and see if I couldn't loosen up some of my cramped muscles before the pain started in again. It helped but my poor husband is home today and although I've stepped out for a bit to my 'support group', we have already had a gripe or two. Thankfully he is in the other room. Honestly, I am grateful for the peace and quiet.

I really need to get a grip on these Migraines before I can address this other stuff.

Thanks for all your patience with my nonsense here.
Rain

 

[Iam]

Rain what you are talking about is not nonsense. It is a very real problem for you right now and this is the perfect place to vent it. Your original post did make me laugh

I love how straight forward and articulate you are!

I hear you about the B&W thinking. I had no boundaries at all growing up (well other than to shut up!) and for a long time B&W thinking helped me feel safe. Then I found freedom in the grey areas. It is awfully hard to be kind to ourselves when everything is black and white. And right now.....you need to be kind to yourself.

You obviously love your husband and are working very hard at looking at how you can improve your relationship. If he is doing the same you guys have the battle won. It's hard to be open to look at ourselves and you sound like you are doing a great job of it!

Hey, wow, you have a service dog? Did you train him or did somebody train him for you? I think that is so cool!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Meh.

I, too, have someone who always responds with "fine". It drives me to madness. God forbid he actually express how he is really feeling instead of giving me this panned answer to everything.

And, he calls me needy. I don't see things that way. God forbid I just miss him.

Fortunately, he's not my husband. At this point we're stuck somewhere between "friend" and...?

Hugs,
SOL

 

[Srain]

Thank you all so much! I feel heard and that really really helps, I just can't tell you :)
I ended up just calling time out yesterday and going solo last night. I have never done that but good grief I needed the space and it felt good until I realized he had kept my dog on the best bed in the house, ours! She is not suppose to sleep there at night and for some reason I figured he would send her into my room or 'follow the house rules', hmmm.

It hit a huge nerve so I just grabbed her and went for our walk instead of beating the living daylights out of him (not that I could physically but verbally...I'm up for it at this point and it being 3:30am, oh yeah!!). I walked for an hour and then came back and walked his dog for another half hour. Finally I feel calmer and can breathe somewhat like a regular human being.

Iam, I got my Service Animal from a friend up North who was in the process of training her when my other beloved Girl had cancer but she passed sooner than we had thought. My trainer believed it would be best if I completed the training and stay involved with what was happening. She saved my life but it's been a journey as we had recently rescued an insane Terrier mix shortly before that was anything but trained. I could hardly give her up since one night I saw my husband hugging her tightly after another long rough day at work. My Girl had never been fond of anyone but me and men really weren't her thing, she had always just tolerated him. But this little monster LOVES him :) So I put in the work and we argued about staying on point to get her trained, just like a child. Let me point out though, the day I picked up my Girl's ashes she came with me and when I sat there in the car just lost she sat next me quietly being the best friend a person could ask for.

God help me today to find a way to deal with my relationship! I thought of 50 ways to leave broke. I thought of how to live on the other side of the house. I could just not talk. I don't understand grey when someone either understands you or they don't and just ignores what you say over and over. Time to read.

Thank you for letting me blab.

 

[Iam]

Hang in there Rain. I hope that somehow your husband can start to understand. Has he ever been on the forum or gone to counseling with you? The articles here really opened up both my husband's and my eyes. It makes so much more sense to him now and he is far more compassionate as a result. Don't know that he ever got anything out of the few times he's come to therapy with me, he's so resistant about listening to a T.

Anyway, just a thought. If he hasn't read the articles and some of the posts here and is willing, it might help

 

[Iam]

Oh, I forgot to ask....what is your therapy dog trained to do?

I have therapy dogs and horses.....they don't know it though LOL! Every time I get into a really bad depression my husband wants to get me a puppy cause he know just training it helps pull me up heehee. This time around I said no, we already have two older labs. He's on German Shepherd breeder websites every night. I grew up with a shepherd and told him when our current babies pass we can get one. My old shepherd would gently put her mouth around my dad's wrist when he would get mad at me. She didn't do that when he was mad at anyone else in the family though. Strange that she would protect only me in that way.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Iam, nope shepherds bond with just one person it seems -like you're under their protection (constantly- a little too constantly,lol) and then everyone else comes next. I swear it's hard to know 'who' owns 'whom'

Hope you are not feeling quite as sad but that's a sweet picture

xox