Emotional Flashbacks

[Iam]

Thanks Junebug. It's a photo I took of our middle granddaughter last weekend. I like having and avatar that makes me smile

Our Shepherd loved the whole family, but was definitely more protective of me. She and my cat used to walk across a field and up a hill to meet me at my bus stop after school every day. They were the best of friends. Sure was nice having animals that loved me so much! They provided much calm during the storms

 

[Tinyflame]

Yep, they sure have sweet hearts. ( But I'd hate to be a mailman

)

 

[Iam]

Haha....or someone the dog decides is a threat!

 

[Srain]

Iam, that explains my old Girl, who was mostly German Shepherd, I was hers. My Service Girl is for PTSD. She is mostly just a pup around here but when they hit she manages to wiggle her way into my tiny safe place bring me back. In public she is quite content to lay around during groups and because she is a rescue animal her demeanor keeps people from being aware of just how big she is until she lays down and stretches out

. She's got deer-like legs but even when stepped on she seems to know she is working and takes in stride. If she were not she would holler to wake the dead!!! Just from being startled or afraid you are mad at her. She's a very hard worker with a whole lot of love.

Thank you for the articles. I went over some of the information I found with my husband yesterday. We talked about fair treatment during discussions and conversations. Human Rights and treatment of each other. It was scary to find that later in the day I had snapped out of a heightened stated of an emotional flashback, if there is such a term like that. All I know is that I had gotten to such a place I was not to be reasoned with. Somewhere I was aware of this but was unable to stop myself and I was ready to throw in the towel on everything. It was literally out of control.

My husband has been there with me through everything. He has never not been willing to try to work on things with me, always been patient and understanding. I knew I had just come out of severe Migraine and was having flashbacks and was projecting my issues onto him but didn't know what to do about it. Every time I tried to talk to him I wanted to choke him! Geez, not his fault, except that 'you look fine' statement, I really hate that! But even with this great information that did explain what was obviously happening to help us with our communication, I was over the top frustrated and called a time out.

I left the room ready to leave him!! Just leave him for good, I felt nothing for him, anyone at all, and I couldn't stay anymore and as I was leaving the room I was getting angrier and angrier. I hadn't cried in days and I just let it all out. What had I done, I meant none of it, why would I say those things, why would anyone??? Because they had all been said to me, done to me, meant for me!! And I never understood it. I am playing it or and over!! I snapped out of it but it scares me to death that this happens!!

I will take this to my tdoc this morning and talk to her about it. This is the stuff we are working on. You helped me so much through this weekend and I got a lot of great info. Thank you so very much!!

 

[Iam]

Wow Rain.....I don't know what I did, but whatever it was I am glad it helped ;o) I am so happy to hear that your husband got online with you. It certainly shows that he cares and now, hopefully, both of you understand your reactions a little better. Identifying the causes for the flashbacks and reactions is half the battle!

It's great that you had an appt with your T so soon, everything should have been fresh in your mind still. How did it go today?

 

[Srain]

Well, the appointment was heart wrenching and I felt shame that all of this leads back to I have rage issues in her opinion. I was stopped cold. I don't know what I was expecting. I have worked hard for years on this stuff and I'm not quite sure what I expected but that's what I heard. She said that was understanding and she had asked key questions so when I point blank asked what going on, what is happening to me that was what she said.

My reaction is: ROAD TRIP ALERT!

I feel caged in and like, what? Now I am some ticking time bomb??? Like I am suppose to go off on someone or a group?? I had to get out of there. She asked if I felt remorse? Of course I felt remorse for the depth of the rage unfairly directed towards my husband, I was aware it wasn't his to take! I had been reading, with comprehension, that it was due to the Emotional Flashbacks and yet I was not myself and disconnected. I was the person that use to 'handle' the problems at hand, pack, wrap up the details and hit the road, see ya!! Only my husband was never in the equation, never a "nice guy" because a man like him was never the kind to do the things that were done to me. So here's the dilemma, I live here, I can't leave. It's complicated now when this happens, when this overtakes me and it's not him and I'm not me I can't pack and leave. If that makes sense. I never had to survive anything this man has done except be loved and cared about.

I'm trying to convey the steps I'm using to move forward here because I am doing my damnedest to do just that. I want to run but I know I will stay. However, I'm not beyond taking a detour just to catch my breath and I did give her a head's up and she will just have to accept that as part of dealing with me as a client. This is intense work.

I hope you are doing well today, I am thinking of you.
Peace to you
Rain

 

[intothelight]

Hi Rain,

Wow, I just read your post and it really opened a window for me. The majority of my flashbacks are emotional, and without any memories of trauma to tie them to, they leave me feeling trapped. That caged animal, jumping-out-of-your-skin feeling makes me want to run.

Thing is I do run (not literally), but I found that spin cycling, swimming laps, hitting the tread mill, etc. really help relieve this tension. I may not be going anywhere, but the sensation of movement releases the anxiety. At least now my "need" to physically move makes more sense.

I know this is just a coping mechanism, but it is all I have right now until I get into the real trauma therapy.

Thinking of you.

Deb

 

[Iam]

My reaction is: ROAD TRIP ALERT!

I feel caged in and like, what? Now I am some ticking time bomb??? Like I am suppose to go off on someone or a group?? I had to get out of there. She asked if I felt remorse? Of course I felt remorse for the depth of the rage unfairly directed towards my husband, I was aware it wasn't his to take! I had been reading, with comprehension, that it was due to the Emotional Flashbacks and yet I was not myself and disconnected. I was the person that use to 'handle' the problems at hand, pack, wrap up the details and hit the road, see ya!!

I'm trying to convey the steps I'm using to move forward here because I am doing my damnedest to do just that. I want to run but I know I will stay. ... This is intense work.
Rain

Oh boy do I know those caged and want to run feelings. I have spent my life running. If things get too tough for too long, I quit, move or isolate and I have recently come to learn from info here on the forum that I dissociate. I had never even heard the term "dissociate" before, let alone realized that I was tuning out at times.

The good thing is, once you recognize the emotional flashback of flight response, it does become easier to deal with, not easy, but easier. It takes learning and practicing the skills. I like your idea of doing something physical that has forward motion ITL. I know that doing anything physical helps release my tension, but the forward motion exercise I think would be particularly helpful in battling the flight response.

You're right Rain. It is intense work and sometimes you do need a break. I have to do that at times. I still see my Ts, we just don't work on the traumas or intense things. That way we still have the continuity of working on together, but on things that allow me to leave the session feeling better, not tied up in knots. It took me awhile to be able to tell my T when I need to back off, but it really helps to do so. We tend to put our T in a role of authority, but we pay them and we have a choice as to what we do in therapy. My T even reminds me of this from time to time. I think taking charge of our therapy is part of therapy in itself so we can emulate in our daily lives.

(((HUGS))) Rain. Pat yourself on the back, you are doing a GREAT job of hanging in there and sticking with it. If you keep doing that......you WILL see progress. I promise!

 

[Srain]

Thank you so much. I feel a little better about it today. I did suck it up and ask my husband, at my tdoc's suggestion, if he really believed me when I said I felt nothing for him while in the middle of the Emotional Flashback. He said that at the time he felt I believed it but that is what he learned when he took the 16 wk class so he said that is what all the information and studies point to, he knows it's part of what happens and it all comes with the territory. He has read a lot over the years and got a chance to be part of group who spoke about their experiences living with loved ones who had various mental issues.

It was like a dagger in my heart to hear he could even think I would look at him and say such a thing! I told him as clearly and as precisely I could that those words, though I could never take them back and "I'm sorry" would never erase their memory, were never meant for him. They were meant for the likes of the man who who punched me in the face, dragged my by my hair, and then held a knife to neck threatening to cut my head off. The persons that raped me, but never never never for the man I love so much. He could never understand people doing things like that.

I became the fighter and the truth is I'm just tired of fighting the ''enemy". I have gotten myself cornered, so to speak. The morning walks are (really middle of the night) the most freeing times for me. I feel like I can breathe. But during the day I still feel 'cornered' like a cat. I am trying to take some steps to finally become part of this area this year. It's not easy for me because I have mentally fought staying here. It has taken me 10yrs to unpack!! 7yrs to marry my husband, where I readily married within months in the past. LOL what a nut bag I am:confused: But I have never stopped trying whether I wanted to or not, weird how that is, and there have been many many times I REALLY wanted to stop!

Sigh...OK, today, back in the saddle and moving forward. Peace to you. Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

I've been told repeatedly (by a person who seems likely to have ptsd also) that I am hated, and I believe it (-ACTIONS). I think one has to go by the individual or individual relationship. When there is no remorse, there is no remorse.