Emotional flashbacks

[Songbird]

Some of my traumatic experiences have been from my ex-husband who was(and still is) a sex addict. The things I'd found him to be doing behind my back were so severe, I wouldn't even want to repeat it. But due to that, I entered my relationship with my current husband with severe trust issues. I've gotten TONS better, but when hubby & I are going through problems(as we are now), I tend to go into panic mode and think he might cheat. He's going away tomorrow for 3 days and I am obsessing about it in my head. I am so tired of these moments. I remember how I used to be before that kinda trauma. I remember when I was dating my ex-husband, how I just freely trusted. I didn't think twice when he'd be out if my sight or want to "hang with the guys". It felt good to just live. I just came to ramble..thought it might help me to feel better

 

[lolamay]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex husband was a sex addict too and did some really nasty stuff and of course cheated on me too. AND he was a pastor. I completely know where you're coming from when you say that you just can't freely trust anymore. I just ended a 9 month relationship with a really really awesome man because I couldn't see past my past. My now ex boyfriend never gave me reason to doubt him, he went above and beyond to be transparent with me, but there was always something in me that would whisper "it's a red herring, he's being extra transparent to distract you from the shady stuff he's doing at the same time". I was completely disregarding the facts my ex boyfriend was presenting and instead only saw my ex husband in him. It just wasn't fair.

I don't really have advice to give, lord knows I need plenty myself. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, I'm stuck on that too...

 

[Songbird]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

I know exactly how you feel. My ex husband was a sex addict too and did some really nasty stuff and of...

I'm sorry you have to go through this too. It's a horrible thing to experience..that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. Have you been working on it in therapy? After I divorced, it took me about 3 years to really start dating. My current husband was the first guy I felt real feelings for again. But during our first year of dating, I completely sabotaged everything due to my incessant worrying, nagging & arguing so he left me. It was then that I started doing work on myself. We ended up back together a few months later, but we had some work to do. Like I said in my original post, I have gotten TONS better, but once in a while if we are going through problems, the fear comes back. I do believe it can completely dissipate since I've lost so much of it already.

 

[lolamay]

@Songbird, your response was very encouraging to read. I feel extra stuck with the trust thing because it wasn't just the betrayal, but he also gaslighted me for years so I feel like I stifled my instincts for so long that I'm now hearing a years long delay from them, like NOW I hear all of the sirens I should have heard a long time ago, but now they don't apply.
I have been in therapy ever since my ex husband left me, about a year and a half ago. We divorced last summer. There was just so much psychological abuse in the relationship from him teaching me to doubt myself that the therapy has been mostly focused so far on trusting my judgment in other areas of life and also how to deal with my anger for my ex husband.
In terms of my ex boyfriend, we both do want to get back together. But we saw that I have a lot of things to straighten out with myself, and not being able to handle them yet was working against him handling his own combat PTSD. I of course don't want to hinder his process, so we thought to take our neutral corners and get our heads straight for a while. But your story gives me hope for sure. It's really nice to hear of someone else's experience.
Do you talk to your husband about when you start to feel tense again? Like, do you let him know when you're having these emotional flashbacks?

 

[Songbird]

@Songbird, your response was very encouraging to read. I feel extra stuck with the t...

I'm sending you hugs. I know it's not easy recovering from that. I remember the days my old therapist(the one I saw briefly during my separation & divorce stage) was giving me pointers in how to trust my own self again. I feel that, for the most part, I have good judgement. So I want to encourage you that you can & will too. It's all a matter of time & changing the habitual way of thinking back to positive. You will get there one day at a time. I'm happy for you that you and your ex-boyfriend both still want this and that you're both mature enough to take the time you need. It'll be so worth it.

I don't exactly tell my husband about these kind of flashbacks because he just feels I should know what kind of guy he is by now and trust him. He has kept himself from doing a lot of things just so that I wouldn't have worries that he's up to something, but he really needs his time too and I'm trying to give it to him. I have really burnt him out with my ptsd so I'm just trying to relax my mind and let him be. You know the saying..you can't control what someone else does but you can control yourself. He left out of town this morning and won't be back till Sunday. My mind is on and off having a field day with this.

 

[lolamay]

Thank you again for your encouragement! And hugs :)
I can totally understand what you mean about not wanting to bother him. I learned that the hard way myself, that there's a point where it just an issue of him not being trustworthy but of me needing to adjust my perspective. But I think it gets complicated when you're trying to silence your fears, because for me it seems too similar to rationalising. But then again, I'm pretty new at this.
I know that when I need to get through a difficult period of time, where all I can do is stress, I try to keep myself busy and definitely try to focus on the positive, like you said.
Do you still go to therapy? Or do you have a friend you could spend the weekend with? I know that it's a recipe for disaster being alone with your thoughts for too long, especially when there's something stressful happening.

 

[Songbird]

Thank you again for your encouragement! And hugs :)
I can totally understand what you mean about not wa...

You're very welcome. We moved to a new state 9 months ago so I only have one friend here who I will spend some tim with tomorrow, and I worked today and will on the weekend too. In between I am definitely trying to keep busy. As soon as he left, I went into OCD cleaning mode in the house until I left for work lol. He messaged me last around 5:30 to let me know he's fine and was going to a bar. It actually made me feel better to see him check in with me. But now as it's getting late, I'm wondering if I'll hear from him before the night is over. It's a battle between what I want and giving him what he needs, what a dilemma.

To answer your question, yes I'm in therapy and have been since we moved. This is where I was diagnosed with PTSD. Are you in therapy as well?

 

[lolamay]

Ok, that's great that you have a plan! And that's awesome that he messaged you already. I'm sure he'll message you again, I bet he's thinking about you too. How long have you guys been married?
There were a few times when me and my ex boyfriend were in a similar situation, where he was going to be a gone for a bit and he would always tell me that what would make him happy is to know that I was happy even while he was gone. So I would make a point to plan fun things for myself to do so that I could tell him about it, kind of like forcing myself to not stay at home and stew.
And I can relate to being in a new area and not having many friends. That's rough too.
But Friday is almost over. You're almost there!
I wish I had more helpful things to contribute...

 

[Songbird]

Ok, that's great that you have a plan! And that's awesome that he messaged you already. I'm sure he'll...

We've been together 5 years and married 2. Thanks so much for the positivity. It helps getting someone else's perspective because it's always easier for someone outside of the situation to see things more clearly. It's crazy that your ex would say that to you because that's the same thing my hubby has said to me before. Wow lol.

 

[lolamay]

Lol no way! That's so crazy that he tells you the same thing! How funny :p
Was trying to think of what I would do to keep myself busy... Definitely call a good girlfriend for a chat (the majority of my friends don't live in the same city as me), let myself a little loose with shopping :D, and start a series on Netflix, and definitely deep clean the house haha!
Oh, I forgot to answer your question, yes I am in therapy right now. I'm not able to go as often as I'd like, but at least once a month.
You've got this though! Just one foot infront of the other.

 

[Songbird]

Haha, you're cute :p I just released my anxieties in prayer and I'm gonna hit the sack before my mind continues since I haven't heard from him to say goodnight or anything :( But that's good that you still get to have therapy. Don't stop. Maybe we can keep in touch ;)

 

[lolamay]

Ok, that's great, take it easy and sleep well!
You'll hear from him, don't worry! Before you know it he'll be home again. And I would love to keep in touch :)