Emotional Numbess

[Steph_F]

So…about “emotional numbing”…it sucks, hey?

I feel so helpless and confused and stuck. L I don’t know what to do, or say. I don’t want to overwhelm him with questions or emotions so I’m trying to keep the conversation light and interesting. But inside I’m screaming “what is going on?? why are you acting like this??” I have asked him if he is ok, he says “yes”, I ask him if anything is wrong, he says “no”. So I am believing him, but obviously something is amiss because he is soooo far from my affectionate, loving man that calls me up just to remind me that he’s in love with me.

I am remembering what I read on here about not being a mirror of his emotions, so I am not allowing myself to get pulled down in the muck he’s in right now. I am trying my best to be chatty and happy and easy-going, like I don’t realize anything is wrong. Is that the right thing to do?

I know he will come out of this in time and everything will be back to normal soon, but in the meantime, does anyone have any advice? I know the best advice will come from him, but now is obviously not the time to ask him.

We do not live together so that is a challenge, but it may be a good thing right now because I’m pretty sure I might get too clingy trying to “love him back to normal”.

I have to get it through my head that all of this is normal for someone with PTSD, I have to learn to expect this and learn to cope and be understanding and compassionate. At the same time, if there is something, anything that I can do to help him (and myself in the process) I want to learn to become an expert in that.

Also, does emotionally numbing get triggered the same way flashbacks and anger do? I mean, do you think (recently) that something happened that made him feel this way?? I would ask him, but he tells me that nothing is wrong, so that won’t work. I know some of his triggers that make angry and stressed out, but I don’t know why he goes numb.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Steph,

I really can't sympathise with you from a carers perspective.

But from a veterans perspective, he is going through his traumas in his head and some of them are so horrific that he does not want to share with anyone. Its probably even hard for him to deal with. Its what keeps him awake.

He has to lock himself away in a state of numbness to protect 'YOU'. Otherwise you would be exposed to his raw emotions of Anger and Hate.

You just have to ride out the storm. Sorry, but there is no other way to explain it.

Jimmy

 

[Fargo1]

Steph,

Here is my response to what you are asking about (and we are all different so it might not be his experience).

When T asks me "Is anything wrong?" and I say "No." without any other conversation, what it really means to me is "Nothing I want to talk about." If I felt like I could/should talk about it I would. If she presses me on it, I can go from calm and cool to red faced anger in about two thousandths of a second. For me I could be thinking about a problem at work that "I" just need to think about or I could be experiencing a flashback and can't/won't talk to her about it. Either way, I don't want to talk. What I want to do is say, "Hey, can you just leave me alone for a bit." But my goddamn Lizard creeps in and what comes out is, "Leave me the f*#$ alone! Ok?" Clearly not the nicest or correct way of communicating. It just happens, then I feel like shit after and want to appologize, but feel weak about having broken down in the first place and that starts me feeling even more guilty...wash, rinse, repeat.

For me the anger is the default reaction to just about everything. The numbness comes when the anger gets so strong that I shut down. The Fight-Flight-Freeze response that we all have. If you have read the information that Anthony put up and watched the videos they do a bang up job of describing the situation (at least on my side of the Lizard).

The mantra of "They just won't understand." is part of it. I feel it every time I try to explain myself. To some extent it is true. T cannot possibly truly understand the things that I have seen or done. The tactile things; visual: the sight of a real live dead body; the aural: the sounds of gun shots, mortar rounds, the crumpling of steel, smell: the smell of a battlefield. Some of these things can be simulated on TV or in the movies. But it is not the same. Not by a long shot. Hearing a gun go off at a rifle range is not the same as having a rifle shot at you with the intent to take your life. Does that make sense? Now how do I explain what that feels like to her? I can use my English words. But they don't do it. So lets say that they could convey what that really feels like. Do I really want her to understand what that feels like? Absolutely not. That is one of the reasons I joined the military; so that others would not have to.

As has been said before, PTSD is a mean SOB. We (the sufferers) get to have it. You (the carers) get to deal with it. Mental toughness is mandatory. A tough skin is required. A whole lot of caring and love is recommended.

I would try to talk to him when he is at a good moment and ask him how to communicate to you about it. Maybe as some wise person here said, write an email that he can read at his leisure so that it is not a confrontation.

My therapist recommended a "Safe Word" that T and I use when I need to say enough. The example I used with my therapist was phrases we used for radio communications:

Break = Signals a pause during a transmission to open the channel for other transmissions, especially for allowing any potential emergency traffic to get through.
Break-Break = Signals to all listeners on the frequency that the message to follow is of high priority.

I haven't talked to T about it yet. But I am going to. Maybe we can work through her feeling like you do much of the time.

 

[Jimmy1]

Fargo, I was a radio communicator and used to patrol with the infantry platoons. Break sounds cool.
I had to learn how to let my boy know when to stop when we were on our own. He was 11 then and it was easier.
He is turning 14 this year and is struggling with his own hormones and independence. He does not know when to stop.
So right now my stress levels are nearly at breaking point. None of the words seem to work anymore.

Margaret wants to know what my coping strategies are. Its hard for me to explain how I cool down, I just do, but sometimes when I am almost out of control she would like to know how to handle the situation.

Any idea's.

Jimmy.

P.S. See, even I get stuck

 

[Fargo1]

Jimmy,

You are at the point that I never want to be but I know is coming. My son is 11 this year, LOL. The reason I say this is that how my dad dealt with it was to grab the belt when I did not listen to him. Of course I was a big kid (6'4", 195 when I was 14) so he would smack the crap out of me and I would fight back...as dad was an ex-green beret I sure you know how that went!

After my mom left my dad, I lived with her. There were a few moments of rebellion, but primarily I got my angst out on the football field, basketball court, and baseball field (threw myself into sports) but for me it was a really good way to burn off the energy. Then when I went home I did not push my mom's buttons so much.

So that was my background for this response. Here are the points of problem as I see them:

1. You just had a pretty major back surgery. That has increased your bodies level of stress as it heals itself.
2. In addition to you being stressed, your son is probably scared as you are Dad. You have some problems, but seeing you go down so hard (by having serious surgery) is a wake up call in two ways:
   1. His Dad has just gone down. As you are an important figure in his life, that is scary as hell for him.
   2. His Dad has just gone down, weakness can be taken advantage of!
3. Haven't you just recently moved in with Margaret? He is probably feeling weird about that too. As all kids do when divorcees get girl/boyfriend and remarry.

Remember that kids are smarter than we remember being and than we think they are. I would wait for a moment of relative calm in your system, then sit him down and talk to him as a young man. Lay the cards down on the table. Do it just like you talk here, not like a Dad.

1. Tell him that you really need his help. Then ask for his help.
2. Tell him as specifically as you can what sets you off. Ask him to help you by not pushing those buttons.
3. If he is angst-ridden about you and Margaret, let him know how much she means to you. But that he also means a lot to you. Then ask him how he would like to see you handle those priorities.
4. Explain to him that right now, you simply cannot be there for him as he really needs. That it rips you up inside and physically, that you just can't do it. But that your mind and heart are there always, even when it does not seem like it.

It is my opinion that he will resist the hell out of it at first (as we all did!) but that it will make sense to him eventually.

Now for Margaret:
Mate, as I write this I am having a breakdown with T. She just does not understand when I try to explain to here when my stress cup is full and I need some alone time...I have been in therapy for just over a month. Three, 1.5 to 2 hour sessions a week. At the same time T has moved in and we are trying to make the place more "T-friendly" which is a stress ball all its own. Really tough stuff for me to deal with.

My therapist told me to have her read a book called Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine. If she seemed to get it after reading the book great. But if she didn't she asked me to have T come in to talk with her. However, she cautioned me that normally partners should not come in to see the therapist...

So my question for you is what are you coping strategies? Can you explain them to me on the forum than to her in person? If so, maybe you list them down here, to me. Then print that out and either hand it to Margaret or ideally read it to her, so that you can do it without the voices in your head twisting your thoughts into little black lumps of coal.

As I write this I feel messed up. I woke up at 0530. Three hours of sleep. The cats were rampaging, my audiobook ended and I had nightmares last night. As I was puttering about the house, I woke T up. Now she can't sleep and is in one of her moods and left the house for a drive. And I am starting to ramble.

Break...

 

[Ted Moen]

Emotional numbing is one way of handling feelings you can't or don't want to deal with at the moment. In combat it allows you not to feel the things you would normally feel when a friend gets blown to pieces and splattered all over you so that you can focus on doing what do need to to to have your best chance at surviving the situation. It gets you through those quiet moments between firefights and situations when you would probably break down if you let yourself acknowledge the normal feelings you have buried.

Then later, away from the hostile environment, it becomes one way of dealing with the flow of intrusive thoughts and feelings as all the thoughts and feelings that got stuffed start working their way out. It takes a while to learn it doesn't actually work. The very intense thoughts and feelings are going to push their way into the person's current situation. Learning how to manage that is what learning to live with ptsd is all about.

You can't love him back to normal, but you can love and continue to support him as he goes throught the process of learning to live with ptsd. He needs to know you are there, a sorce of unconditional support, when his passing moods let him acknowledge that feeling. Sometimes his feelings for you will trigger emotional numbing, some times other stuff, sometimes even more or less normal stuff. Your love and support may eventually motivate him to commit to learning to live better with ptsd. At least that's kind of how it worked for me.

Triggers are triggers, but it's not about the triggers. It's good to be aware of specific triggers, but you can't create a triggerless world. The intense thoughts and feelings will come up. Learning to manage our behavior while the intense thought and feelings are passing is what learning to live with ptsd is all about. Learning that it is safe to participate in a relationship, that nobody will die if we allow ourselves to acknowledge a feeling takes time and effort. Learning that we can enjoy a safe relationship even while all the old feelings that triggers are passing takes even more time and effort.

So enough rambling. Time for me to get back to my current situation, Steph. (((Hugs)))

Ted

 

[Jimmy1]

Well, I will have to address both of you individually. So first in first serve.

Fargo.... Roger what you have said mate. What type of radio comms did you do?? We used to work with the US all the time. At one time I used to work along side of the Brigade Air Liaison Officer when he was calling the spotter planes and F18's. Anyway, getting back to it....

My boy is not 14 till September. He is already 5'11" and weighs about 170 lbs. He is a Prop Forward for the premiership rugby league team. So I feel intimidated by him when I am going off. I suppose I have taught him respect though.

You have brought up a lot of valid points I did not think of mate.

I thought about the move and know he is adjusting to living here. He had me all to himself and now he has two elder sisters, one bitchy 18 yr old that the world revolves around and another nicer one. He also has a younger brother he has never had and I actually see him acting 13 every now and then which makes me smile.
Overall though we have spoken about him living here and he does enjoy it, but he has more restrictions placed on him now. He was getting away with heaps as once I took my night medication, he was free to do what he wanted.

I did not think about the back surgery at all.

I suppose the hardest thing he has had to deal with is not being able to express anger around me. Therefore he has bottled it all up inside and got suspended for throwing a chair. 10 days. Oh well, its time I can spend with him.

I ordered a big 5 ' punching bag, some focus mits and some gloves. They should be here this week then a mate of mine is going to teach him boxing. That should be great.

I suppose its getting to the age where he is flexing his individuality. So today we are going to draw up an agreement.

.........

Coping Strategies......

When I am out and about and start feeling the heart race and the hackles raise, I practice grounding techniques such as 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things can touch. I use this also when flashbacks happen just to remind myself where I am.

As for coping strategies at home, I have never really had any. When tensions raised, I used to go to my room and he to his. Now there is a whole lot more going on.

Like last night Margaret had a few drinks of wine. I am not against her having a few drinks, but her breath reminded me of an ex who was an alcoholic who abused my children when I was in hospital in 08 having bowel surgery.
It also reminded me of some of the locals breath and the smell of the alcohol fermenting in East Timor where I served. I am trying to deal with this as she has a right to drink if she wants.

I think I am going to have to work on coping strategies with my therapist when I see her next

As for you mate, get her to read the book Anthony mentioned in Articles. I think its called PTSD in relationships.
I had to get mine from the states and I donated mine to the PTSD unit it is that good.

I had a rough night too mate. So am going back to bed.

Out......

 

[Jimmy1]

Ted, I can't remember seeing an Intro from you but welcome your posts on this forum.
Your one of these guys that when you say something, its worth reading, thanks for that.

My boy chose to live with me when he was 10, not long after I was diagnosed. I did have one of his uncles living with me as well from time to time, but he just facilitated my alcoholism and marijuana use. So my boy got neglected for a bit. He was allowed to eat what he wanted, and do what he wanted, what did I care.

Anyway, I woke up to myself a couple of years ago or more when he had a blood test which showed he was not getting the right nutrients. Who would have thought that. So when I woke up to myself and started the healthy life, he grew and grew and grew. And as you can see from the previous post, he is 13, 5'11" and all muscle.

He knows when I get stressed and can understand my anger, but I think he is at his age where he wants some time now.

I am taking him to an anger counsellor who works with teenagers and the PTSD unit. Its the best help he can get and I owe it to him.

 

[Steph_F]

Oh wow guys...I don't even know how to begin to thank you all for your awesome insight, personal stories...and brutal honesty. I have been following along on this thread via Forum Runner (on my phone) and am still processing all this information, which is why I have not replied until now and I still don't really know what to say, but thank you! I'm glad my question kinda brought up other topics like dealing with your children and them dealing with times when you might not be able to be what and how you want to be with them, I like that fact that we all help each other. Again, thank you!

 

[Steph_F]

He has to lock himself away in a state of numbness to protect 'YOU'. Otherwise you would be exposed to his raw emotions of Anger and Hate.

I know I probably seem like I'm never satisfied or never happy but sometimes (like today) I'd almost rather he be raging against me and angry. Instead now I feel insecure, unwanted and ignored and totally paranoid. See, we don't live in the same town and truth be told he can be doing whatever (or whoever :( ) he wants and I would never know about it. I know, what a dumb way to think, but it's making me sick to my stomach. I'm trying to tell myself that I alone am the one creating these feelings, not him. Like I tell him all the time, each person has more control over most situations than they realize because only they can control how they process and perceive things. Does that make sense? haha! Anyway, yeah sometimes I guess I would almost have him pissed at me rather than ignore me...but we'll see what tomorrow brings, right? One day at a time.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Baby steps.... I know what you are going through. This is an emtional war that goes on in my head everynight. Its not fun, and it takes a toll on you. Steph I hope you are taking care of yourself. - Im here for ya !

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

I get it Steph. I wake up every morning in a panic remembering that he is hurting and isolating. If he'd just talk to me occasionally, at least I'd know he was semi-okay. As it stands, I have no idea how, where or what. I'd rather he be here, no matter what mood. So I get it. And I'm sorry. Stay strong and know that we are here for you.

Red