Your girl is not your group of soldiers depending on you for strength and fearlessness in the face of battle. She's your partner, 50/50. She will love you more for honesty and weakness than she will for you to remain stoic and locked away. I know, I know easier said than done of course, but this will pass and things will get better in time.
I read you loud and clear on that. However, it is NOT that easy. Mostly, I think, it is even worse when you are talking with your girl/boy. Because you CAN'T explain what is going on. Sometimes you know what is making you react. But often, you don't know or even realize it is even happening until it has happened. Also, it doesn't matter whether or not you will love us more for being honest and showing weakness. This is pure survival at the primal level. The Lizard Brain. If I feel threatened or weak. It is me feeling frightened or weak. I have to get around that. All your love and affection won't help when the Lizard Brain is in control. In fact, you loving me, makes me feel weaker.
So while on that subject, let me throw this into the mix. I am going to use stereotypes and speaking only from a male perspective (specifically mine) here so bear with me...
- I have frequently heard women say that men need to get more in touch with their feminine side. But the guys they date who "sensitive" and express their feelings (sometime...dare I say it...even cry in front of them) are seen as wimpy and weak.
- What type of guy is attractive to these women? The Bad Boy. The Dangerous Guy. James Dean, Marlon Brando, in more modern times, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp.
We see it every day on TV and in movies, but I have also seen it expressed by female friends in real life.
Now lets look at a definition of masculine:
1. Having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men, esp. strength and aggressiveness.
—He is outstandingly handsome and robust, very masculine.
So now lets look at the average Veteran. Of course there are an infinite amount of options, but lets just look at the two above for the sake of arguement.
Which one most closely fits your Veteran?
Why did you find them attractive? If you saw flaws, did you think they would change or that you could change them?
Most of the guys I know who have been or are currently in the service fit the more masculine stereotype and they did prior to joining the service. Now add in indoctrination (boot camp), advanced training and posting. The military culture, although it has gotten, in the famous words of George Bush I, "Kinder and gentler." But it is still a very masculine profession.
Now look at why he was attracted to you. Why did he find you attractive? What was it in your personality that he liked? What were the thins he did not like and thought he could change?
They say that opposites attract. Men and women are very different. They have different hormones, different maturation rates, etc., Whether it is God's crazy joke, or evolutionary response to the world, there is a reason for it. What we all have to learn (and clearly I have not learned the lesson yet) is how to accept those differences, then use those differences to make a better relationship.
So when you guy is stoic and shut off, remember that it in not ONLY PTSD acting there. It is more-than-likely his entire upbringing AND his biology. He may be trying to break out of it, but he also may not. Either way, it is not a switch that can be flicked on and off.
you are a great woman. Clearly you have strong feelings for your Vet. You are also very caring and emotional. He is not. You have to learn how to identify when he is shutting down, then not push him. Give him SOME space, but also to be strong about it. Don't let him push you around. Don't let him completely shut out. Let him know you care (and he does know already).
For me it was like taming a wild animal. Talks softly, leave little bits of food out, and eventually it will come over. Keep doing it and trust begins to form. Keep on doing it and it moves in and takes over your bed!
I wish my guy could open up and let me in like you guys do on here... *sigh* patience is not one of my virtues, but I am trying.
I don't know what else to say. Talking here is much, much easier than talking to someone in person. For one, I have time to think about my response to what someone says. If it touches a button, I can flick past it (read run away). If it pisses me off AND triggers me to want to fight, well I can fire up the respond button and let loose.
When I am standing in front of someone, T or anyone else, if they hit the red button and I want to reach over and strangle them.... Well, I can say "BREAK" and try to disengage. But with annoying frequency, they will not take that as an answer. And will continue to press the BIG RED BUTTON. So I go to level one protective response, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, and start making them wiggle with my blunt force wording. If they press the attack, I escalate to what the Coast Guard calls a "Stern, loud voice." Usually, that, combined with my physical presence (Mud crusted spiderman) is enough to break contact. However, if they press the BIG RED BUTTON again...well that has not happened yet. But I scares the crap out of me daily, because it would be ugly, and I would most likely be jailed for Assault and Battery if not worse.
