Emotional Wall and Treatment Options?

[Manic11]

but it is a constant struggle - especially when I don't feel "well".

That's the biggest part... If I'm doing okay and in an okay mood, I should be fine for the most part (Unless they ask me a question about my life). But if I'm, as you say, not feeling "well" and someone were to ask whats wrong, even if I would like to tell them. I can't. Its not something I can exactly explain. So I push them away that way maybe, just maybe, they won't care so much if somethings wrong...

I don't know... it makes sense to me at the time. Its the only thing to do at the time. But I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from...

 

[pianogirl]

Hi Manic,

Wow, the others gave a lot of empathy and good advice. I'm not sure what else to add to it.

For therapy and how you are feeling, reach out. When I was feeling really bad and suicidal, I asked professionals I trusted to find a good therapist and even called and found a pdoc I hadn't seen for over ten years to point me in the right direction. Just making the step to start something is helpful. It opens a door a crack.

I can relate very much to pushing friends away. Over the past few years, I thought I had a good circle of friends, but I learned how many of them really weren't there for me when I hit a really bad depression. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

While I know I need to enlarge my support circle, I still hesitate to reach out to my friends. I don't call my T unless it's necessary. I don't want to risk losing people when I really need them so badly sometimes... so I keep many people at a distance where they know that I have issues, but they will rarely know when I'm having a hard time with them.

I guess one good way for me to reach out is that I do ask friends to meet up and go out socially frequently in short bursts of time. The more often I did that, the easier it got for me. That helps me a lot because even if I might be alone with my issues, I'm not alone in general. It also just helps me to forget things for a little bit. Does that make sense?

Thanks for listening,

pianogirl

 

[Manic11]

I guess its the just first step of actually letting myself get to know someone else and letting them get to know me... It's so very difficult. I just need to get past that first step. I apprecaite everyones help though! It's excellent having support and knowing I'm not alone in this...

Maybe this could even count as part of the first step?

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

This definately counts as a first step - you realize and acknowledge that you do this - and now you can allow yourself to work on it.

Baby steps - my favorite new thing that I tell myself every day.

 

[TLight]

I can relate to what everyone is saying.........probably too much. I keep people at a distance, and when I haven't, during the worst of my flooding when I first got into therapy...........the people that 'knew' about me, trashed me big time.

It's enough to really want to stay a hermit. So I have to remind myself that good people are out there and they do exist and it is my right as a human being to allow people to care about me.

I too found it miserable, even after 4 years with the same therapist, to even allow myself the tiniest thought that she might care about me. I can care about so many other people, to the point of hurting myself, but to think that someone might actually care about me is just not even in my realm.

I literally just don't know what it is I think because I've never truly experienced it. I've chosen people to be in my life who tried to destroy me because that is the only thing that I knew.

Now, I'm trying to learn differently. Having a support system, letting people in who actually might care.........well.........it's all new stuff to me! Like I have no point of reference! It is truly bizarre feeling.........I'm still detached, just playing it one day at a time with relationships..........hanging in there and telling myself at any moment I can go back to hermithood if I chose.

So, baby steps I guess is the answer.............and chose people carefully, very carefully.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Manic

For a long time I thought that I did not know HOW to be a friend.. I thought that people just did not like me. I also thought that I was NOT a very likable person.

I finally realized that I, too, push people away if they get to close. I have mastered it to a fine art! Then I wonder WHY I have no friends or people in my life. DUH ! ! !

I think you will find more and more of us have the same issue as you spend more time here.

See we have finally found a way to have friend without them getting to close.

Hang in there, it does get better. But we also have ups and downs

 

[Manic11]

I can care about so many other people, to the point of hurting myself, but to think that someone might actually care about me is just not even in my realm.

Oh man... you couldn't have said it any better! That's EXACTLY how I feel. Sometimes it even gets really bad and if someone just gets embaressed a little bit or doesn't get what they want, etc...Just something small like that and it will upset me for the rest of the day. I will get worried and I'll feel horrible even if I didn't do anything to them. I just know how it feels to hurt and I guess I'm terrified of someone else feeling that way....



And yeah...Grama-Herc...That's a very good point. I think that's why I like this forum so much. So many people understand one another and we can all heal together but at the same time we are not too close...


Manic

 

[fin]

So many people understand one another and we can all heal together but at the same time we are not too close...

I understand and relate to what has been said here through here. And I think I have to just say that.

I am not convinced I have done this right and i am sorry if I have messed up again. Please know it is not intentional.

 

[crocodillan]

I can totally relate to pushing people away. No one gets close to me PERIOD. I am able to help others, to be caring to others, listen to others, etc etc....but the second someone exhibits some kind of caring nature to me.....look out! I high tail it in the other direction, take the lime light off me, and run! I tend to drop out of the picture, be non commital with planned outings, be highly distrustful, and really just give surface information. I literally made my therapist PROVE to me one day that she had called my cell phone to cancel an appointment. And when she moves funny, fast, or closer to me....I feel like growling. I like her but she's got a long way to go with me. I think I have to run her through a few more tests lol. I know this is an area we will have to work on, and to some extent I've already started working on it with her I guess.......but it's an area that won't easily be conquered since I've been that way since childhood.

 

[Manic11]

I'm glad you understand, Croc! I wasn't sure how to go about describing it but when you said "And when she moves funny, fast, or closer to me....I feel like growling." thats just the perfect way of describing it!

I, too, have been that way since childhood...
Hopefully one day it will get better?
I can't say I want to completely get rid of it for some reason...but I just need it under control is all...

Manic

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm putting someone through the push/pull game right now...I don't want to, it just seems like I've done it once again even before I realize what I've done, and by then its too late...

So how do I stop!?!

I've been doing this since I was 13...and I'm 29 now.

I don't want to be like this forever...or I know I'm going to end up alone.