Emotionally Freezing In Relationship

[unfreezing]

I'm in a relationship, 10 months, with a great guy. But I really freeze emotionally and physically when he does something unexpected that disappoints me. It's just minor things, but I react by shutting down. I can't come out of it for about a day.

Tonight I came out of a freeze and tried to talk to him and he got very angry, throwing his jacket on the floor and screaming at me while stomping up and down. He said he knows its PTSD but he doesn't deserve to be treated this way and we should break up.

It's been 10 months, I've only frozen about 4 times (that he is aware of) and its my first relationship since a very abusive one 2 years ago. I love him a lot but he's lost his patience.

I don't know how to help myself. My therapist says I'm doing well and it's normal for me to have freezes sometimes. I want this to work and I'm now really scared, which makes me have more PTSD, not less.

 

[Rumors]

Maybe your boyfriend needs to see a therapist? Are you sure he is what you need? I am not saying he doesn't have the right to an off day, but screaming at you and throwing a temper tantrum raises some red flags. I understand you want the relationship to work and you have invested 10 months into him, however just be aware of your needs and what are acceptable boundaries. We (ptsd'rs) tend to not have good boundaries especially in our intimate relationships.

I hope it all works out! Sending strength! Take care of yourself!

 

[unfreezing]

Thanks, rumors. I'm not sure if he is okay or not. I know he's very upset. It's really tough for me to communicate my feelings and feel safe doing so because of my past. I do freeze along the way sometimes if anything unexpected happens...I feel uncertain and freeze.

I've tried to explain it to him, and I'm working hard to improve. Honestly I've made a lot of progress. But I have no one to compare myself to who suffers from PTSD. Maybe significant others don't put up with this freezing thing?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

4 times and he throws a tantrum? I don't think he has what it takes to be a supporter to be honest. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work on the freezing issue, but if he can't handle your symptoms such as this, I think it's time for him to go. Nobody is perfect, and to be honest, freezing is a MINOR symptom at most, and considering it's only happened 4 times in 10 months....

He needs to get over himself...! He doesn't "deserve" to be treated this way?!? I see abusive red flags. Cut him lose.

And please don't fool yourself into thinking that supporters don't "put up" with this freezing thing! Make a post in the supporter forum....I bet many supporters would say this is a symptom that can be dealt with and worked through. Dare I say that many supporters deal with much more and don't throw in the towel so easily? Me thinks he's possibly looking for an excuse to break up.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Yup, screaming and tantrums tell me he cannot process adult emotions. First the jacket is thrown to the floor, then possibly you might be later....big red flag for abuse.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry I didn't mean to minimize your symptom. I mean that in the grand scheme of things that freezing is not one of the worst symptoms for a supporter to deal with. You're not being abusive, rather you're stuck in a freeze part of fight, flight or freeze. I can see why your partner may be hurt, but he needs to understand that it's not personal nor can you control it fully at this point.

 

[unfreezing]

Thanks for your advice. It's been a long night, no sleep. I'd be very sad if he's looking for an excuse to break up. He has been very serious about me up to this point.

I admit, I had no idea he had so much anger at me inside of him. Or that much anger period. He is a very gentle person usually.

I wish I could just be normal, and trust myself but my instincts are out of whack. I feel terribly that my PTSD is causing such a gentle person to have a fit like this. I've known him for years before dating and I've never seen this.

 

[Echo]

@unfreezing, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Hopefully, your boyfriend will calm down and realise he needs to start dealing with things differently.

I don't like seeing how apologetic you are about your symptoms, though. Neither you or your PTSD are causing your boyfriend to act like this. None of us are ever responsible for how someone responds to anything. He may need some help so that things don't build up inside him. As someone says, we all have to learn to process emotions as adults, and this is a big test for him. If you apologise, though, for something over which you have no control and is in no way intended as malicious, you will be contributing to his understanding that it is something you choose to do.

Talk to your therapist about how best to deal with this. And maybe your boyfriend will take advantage of the information out there, including on this site about what to expect as a supporter/partner of someone with PTSD.

I hope you are able to work things through together.

 

[Rumors]

I guess this is my best 2 cents worth, if you were watching a close friend or loved one go through the same experience as you are going through now, what would your advice be to them? If it is different than what you are saying to yourself, you need to re-evaluate your choices. ;)

I know it isn't easy, but at least be honest with yourself about this guy and his potential hazards. That doesn't mean you have to dump him OR stay with him. It just means you are being honest about how his interaction with you makes you feel. Then, your therapist can help you work towards better communication or finding a solution that is in the best interest of your well being.

Sending strength to make good choices for yourself and find answers. You are half way there. You had, at least, enough instinct to question the behavior. If you actually thought it was ok and it was all you, you probably wouldn't have brought it here. Good for you! Hang in there!

 

[scout86]

The thing about "relationships" is there are TWO sides to them. Both sides are important. Each party needs to respect the other (among other things.) So, it is perfectly possible for one party to end the relationship by saying "I can't do this." The other party is probably best advised to respond to that by saying "OK" and letting go.

HE can't deal with the relationship. Simple as that and it definitely sounds like it's true. You CAN, if you want, try to remake yourself into the person you think he wants you to be. I've never found that to work too well, in the long run, for several reasons. It implies that the person you actually ARE is not ok. It's fine to want to improve. Ideally, a partner would be willing and able to come along on that journey, but it starts where it starts, you know? We have "real" relationships with people who actually exist, NOW. Someone can either do that or they can't. He says he can't. I'd take him at his word.

This doesn't have to be a "good guy/bad guy, right/wrong" deal. He can't handle the relationship. A relationship that one party can't handle isn't a relationship, end of story.

Meanwhile, YOU are NOT "wrong" and you are NOT "the problem". He just can't handle being in a relationship with you. Simple as that.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I agree with the responses here. It is not easy to find a person that is able to understand some of the symptoms we go through with PTSD. If you have been sexually abused and you have flashbacks that would definitely freak him out, how is going to handle that (just an example). Maybe he should go with you to counseling and listen to what the therapist is saying about the problems associated with a person who suffers from PTSD. If he's not willing to at least try to understand why you are (or act) the way you do, then maybe it is time for him to move on.

Just my 2 cents and I hope all goes well with you

 

[LilBit]

I wish the sufferer in my life had a fraction of the communication skills and concern for the other party that you do!! As everyone else has said, consider very carefully. I am more than willing to adapt to my sufferer but without communication that is impossible. How do you adjust to someone's needs when they cannot express them? Dude does not know how lucky he is to have someone willing to meet him halfway! Or at least try to adjust to him also.