Emotionally Unavailable

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so let me start off by saying that I HATE this term! Well, it's such a black and white thing. Either you're emotionally available or emotionally unavailable. Nobody ever says I'm semi-emotionally un/available. And, it's usually women applying it to men when the truth is that anyone can be emotionally unavailable.

So I fully admit it. I'm pretty much emotionally unavailable but not in the 24/7 stereotypical view of it. I can let people in, but only up to the point where things get serious and then I find a reason to end things and run away. But sometimes I come back, but stay only as long as things stay casual.

So emo-unavailable girl meets emo-unavailable guy. Only his unavailable-ness is a bit different from mine. To his credit, he knew he loved me a looong time ago. I didn't know until a few months ago. I ran from him every chance I got, but he never kicked me out of his life and said goodbye. He's more of the quiet type who isn't forthcoming with his feelings. Yes he's told me he loves me but dear God those expressions of feeling are very few and far between!

So anyway..... I've read so much cr*p about how you should run away from emotionally unavailable people. But really, is this fair in light of the fact that its not a black and white issue? And if I did I'd have to stop my own personal relationship of sorts (as we're not together) otherwise be a hypocrite.

How does this relate to PTSD? I have a feeling that MANY of us are emotionally unavailable in some sense of the word due to our trauma.

Any feedback on this emotionally unavailable thing?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I think a lot of people (with and without PTSD) are emo-unavailable to some degree. My sufferer has trouble when things progress emotionally or it becomes "too serious". I can also shut down emotionally whenever something happens that reminds me a certain person has the power to hurt me. I believe it is a very grey issue.

Some people may act very emotionally available, but honestly do not genuinely feel those emotions, if that makes sense. Many of those emo-available people actually don't grasp the true value of intimacy or, dare I say it, love. Just my opinion.

Just because it is more challenging to get to a certain level of trust and true intimacy does not automatically devalue the experience. I think it can be difficult and a little painful, but it shouldn't be easy. Should it?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If it were easy we wouldn't value it and would likely throw it away!

I know I have a horrible fairy tale notion of love and that gives me unreasonable expectations. I'm learning to be more realistic in that Prince Charming aka Mr (perfectly) Right doesn't exist! And this applies to the notion of emotional unavailability as well in that I shouldn't just throw someone away because they don't perfectly fit my idea of how emotional a guy should be.

And maybe there's a bit of an upside to this? If I had a guy who was very emotionally available, I would have scared him off a long time ago. This guy knows all about my episodes and such and he doesn't take it personally. He doesn't try to fix me. He knows I have to do it myself. And he reminds me of that lol. I guess it seems that he's better able to put up the boundary between us and doesn't let my PTSD-ness drag him down. So that's a good thing! But, at the same time I know he still cares.

And I don't want to give the impression that I'm making excuses for him, because I'm not. I've never loved anyone before him and I've never let anyone else get so close. (We met almost 3 years ago, so it's not like he's just my flavor of the week lol)

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I think a lot of us have an unrealistic view of love. Then we grow up and let the fairy tale go. In my opinion, relationships are hard work and we live in a disposable society. That makes it harder. If he is kind to you and make you feel his affection, it's up to you. Does he give you more happiness than not? Does he help you feel stronger? Does he make you feel safer, not safe, but safer? Does he make you smile? Maybe that is making it too simplistic, but... I do not believe in perfect. It's up to you to decide what is "enough". Again, just my opinion.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Darn those Disney movies that "teach" us about happily ever after! Lol

I think you're right. We DO live in a disposable society. I think that too many people want that perfect relationship without the work, and when that doesn't happen, it's all too easy to just walk away. Of course not everyone is like that.

Is he kind to me? Yes, he is. He's been a bit firm at times, maybe too firm for my tastes, but he's never done anything malicious toward me (and yes, he's had PLENTY of opportunities to retaliate against me when my PTSD comes roaring through).

Affection? He's not overly affectionate as he's a bit shy, but yes, I can feel his affection toward me. He's the only guy who I've been with who hasn't triggered me in the moment. That says a LOT as pretty much anyone who has tried anything more than kissing has sent me into a flashback episode. So yes, he's the first guy I trust that much.

Yes, he makes me feel safer. And yes he makes me :)

 

[nursenurse]

If you were emotionally unavailable, you wouldn't be caring about this guy :D All relationships have an element of the unknown to them, and let me tell you, it isn't any easier in my middle age. I say go slow and with the flow, enjoy it for what it is. You deserve love and affection in your life, however you can accept it, and however he shows it. And if he makes you smile and feel safe, and other good feelings out there, what more can you ask for, well, maybe a hefty bank account, but you can't have everything :D

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I disagree. I found a checklist of emo-unavailable symptoms and one of them is always ending things when it moves beyond casual. Yup, that's me, and I know that even though I love him, I keep him at a distance. And I know he does the same thing too. (I fit a lot of the symptoms by the way.) Just because I say I love him doesn't mean I'm really emotionally available.

And I do believe that you have the black and white view of this issue like most people do, but it's not that simple. And that's what I was arguing against as its not all or nothing.

I feel you're being dismissive and acting like I'm dealing with normal people crap when I'm not. I'm 33 and have never been in a relationship where I can say "so and so is my boyfriend" and I've never loved anyone before. Yeah, THAT sounds like emotional availability!

 

[nursenurse]

No insult meant, I am just happy for you that you have found something that works for you for the time being in whatever capacity. Not going to defend my words here or anywhere else. I will however stay in the background as I feel I'm not offering you the kind of support you need.