Empathy And Human Bond

[Beebee]

Hi, I am new at this forum.

I was neglected, physically, emotionally and sexually abuse since I can remember until I was 12, by my parents. Then I was just neglect and emotionally abused.

Because of this I never loved my parents, actually, I wanted to kill them when I was just 8. I day dreamt I picked I knife and I cut their neck while they where sleeping, I really really wanted to do it, but I was afraid if I killed one of them the other one would wake up and kill me.

I never made friends at school since I changed every year to another. I grew up alone...

I wasn't a normal kid, and people realized about it. My parents hated this because people would think they were bad parents -their social status was very important for them- and they would punish me if someone saw something 'bad' about me or my behaviour. I learnt to behave normal, like a perfect, quiet and lovable child.

When I became 18 I began a new life, but soon I realized I don't bond with people, I just enjoy some fun and then I get bored of them. I don't truly care about them, I am just nice because I learnt to be nice. I don't care if they go away and I see them again. I have to fake emotions to be social appropriate. This is killing me.

I promised myself I wouldn't be like my parents, so I don't hurt people if they don't hurt me, I try to be kind with people. But I can't be a normal human being, and I can't fake to the infinity. It's not a true kindness, there are not feelings, I just pretend there are because I want them to be there. I won't say I will be sorry if my 'friends' found this because I won't, but I would like I could feel sorry, I wish I could. But I can't tell this to anyone, they would likely think I am some kind of sociophath while I just am a tortured soul.

It's horrible, boring, a torture to life like this... I end up having homicidal urge because of this, and if I get depressed, I also have suicidal ones.

 

[Silver.]

Welcome to the forums. That was very brave of you to share your story, and I am glad that you did.
Do you have a therapist that you can talk to, that can help you heal, learn how to engage in healthy friendships, and get through this rough patch? If you don't have one, I highly recommend you find one that you can work with. This is a great place with some great people, but we aren't health care professionals and we can only do so much.
Thank you again for having the courage to share here. I hope you can find the help you are seeking here x

 

[Beebee]

Thank you for answering.

I have a therapist and I told him some of this, but not all. I don't like him pretty much but I can't get another one, he is the only one at the day hospital I am supposed to go -I don't like it, the activities are really boring, last time I went was like 4 months ago-.

I just wanted to know if there is anyone else who has these kind of problems as a consequence of early trauma and if it is possible to ever bond to someone if you have never done it before. I don't want to be like my parents, but it's frustrating I do 'good things' and I don't feel anything about it. -I even am studying a healthcare career.