Empty Shell

Bitter Pill

Learning
I apologize for this question. Can you leave?
No. I gave up everything....meaning all state and fed aid. takes forever to get back on, and now SSI wants 20,000 overpmt. They told me nothing would change w SSI since I would still be diabled. (They even told that to my friend who was helping me with everything legal because I didn't understand anything. I'm in the middle of fighting it, but sounds like they, the government, usually win.) I'm under his thumb.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I just realized yesterday. He sets me up for all his verbal attacks!!! He thinks this through! Yesterday, not raining, he decides to blow leaves off roof (necessary in these parts). I was all over the idea of raking and bagging, as usual. I feel asleep. When I woke up it was dark. "Why didn't you wake me up? I was going to do the leaves! It's raining tomorrow!" He said he wasn't going to touch me. I might get mad for him waking me up." Since when? The way he was looking at me I realized and said, "You're setting me up so you can say SOMEONE didn't get out and rake the leaves." Then he can say looks like they'll have to do it when they're wet."

I told him that's too bad, because I won't be doing anything until they're dry which might be next year for all I care. What an ass.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
He won't give me money for my license renewal until the night before. It's at the beginning of the month, so always long lines. I'm using money he gave me for 3 bills, to the penny mind you, to pay for my license. I won't be punished. He can find something else. His own sister told me he'd always been abusive, controlling and selfish. It's his way or the highway. I guess I'll have to be punished another way. At least I won't have to wait in line for 3 hours.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I give myself little credit when due. Monday we decide to clean leaves, I know I wrote about this.
However I didn't give myself credit for realizing what he was doing. I woke up out of a light sleep and it's dark out. He could have so easily woke me up. He knew I wanted to get them done. (see, that makes me just a little crazier when he makes his lying remark.) I looked at him and read his face - he was disappointed I woke up and wide awake. I pointed at him when I told him he set me up but instead I slept and it rained so I double screwed up, see?) I've been writing, just a word that sets off the entire scenario. I remember, I don't have to write things down although I do forget a lot. The big things? I don't forget.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I apologize for this question. Can you leave?[/QUOT

I'm guessing at how to answer and post. No - I can't leave right now. He sets me back often, but I'm definitely getting more aware as to him setting me up so he can attack. I'm starting to bust him on it, and question "authority", you know, the one with the power (Money). I was not in the right state of mind when I married him. I backed out twice. I chose to ignore the red flags. As usual, as I'd always knew THIS would be the one that would change.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
I'm so tired, so, so, tired of not being able to function. I see a doctor for meds, they don't do all that much, and a counselor who is ok, but she can't fix this life. I'm always in tears, I rarely leave the house, I have literally 1 friend and she's getting tired of me so I'm backing off. I guess talking to myself is what I've got left. I can't talk to my husband about much, and not just this kind of stuff. I'm depressed and I wish I was dead. This is not even close to being bearable. "But your so strong, you're a survivor!" So what? I failed at suicide, more than once. I was a drunk all my life to escape all the memories and sadness. I only quit Apr. of last year. So what is surviving? Planning for the future? I've got nothing to shout about or be proud of. I've lost all interest in everything. My life has been a complete waste.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
:hug:
I'm sorry it's so hard.
Thank you. After a lifetime of drinking, it's almost unbearable. I stuffed the anger all my life until April of 17. That's 57 years, because I was 5 when it all started and never stopped. All those medical pros called it anxiety, depression. I realized it's anger, and sadness.

I can't figure out this site too well. I'm to the point of having to have someone show me everything, explain to me, and it sucks. I feel so ignorant. I just don't understand stuff like I should. I wish I was dead, but my son, it would destroy him to think he wasn't important enough for me to live for. He's all I live for. Certainly not my bully emotionally abusive husband.
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
Yesterday went pretty well. I over took my benzos so that's why. I know I'll run out early and big suffer then, but damn it, I need relief sometimes. I don't get "high" on them, but I've been on valium the vast majority of my life, and after so many decades, it's hard to function without. If you use them, you get it!

We went to a Christmas event, short parade, the same identical thing every year, seriously, nothing new. But he likes to be away from home so he doesn't have to do much needed stuff around the house. I'm getting more attuned to his blaming, put downs, and everything he does to keep the shit going. He enjoys control as much as any abuser, even telling me what to eat! Putting down the salad that cost more than what he thought I should have. I get tired of it and cave.

We went into my favorite card shop. He starts looking at prices and talking them down, beautiful cards. He told me he'd give me 6.00 for my son, but not a penny more. He left and sat out in the mall. I went through so many cards. admiring and remembering when I had the interest in making them for some time. All my interests have kind of gone away.

I spent the 6.00 and got my 'loving' husband a card, and a couple others to the tune of 26.00 for 4 cards. I know it's a lot for cards, but dammit I love sending beautiful cards. Some more med bill money gone....now what to do? Juggle all my med bills and try to not let him know. On the drive home he said to me, "so you got a card and I gave you 6.00 for it, but I'm sure you got the cheapest one and pocketed the change." What a nice guy. He thinks I'm cheap. He's so wrong.

I said, really? Well, okay then, I guess we'll have to wait til Christmas to see how much I pocketed. I'm proud of myself for not letting him get me into a defensive mode as usual, trying to prove I didn't do something he's accusing me of so he can get me upset in all my defensiveness.

He saw that didn't work for an argument and I mentioned maybe I even got him one. His reply? "You got me a card from that shop? How much did you spend?" I told him it was none of his business what I spent on his card. End of argument that didn't get off the ground.

Kudos to me!!!
 

TTC18

MyPTSD Pro
No. I gave up everything....meaning all state and fed aid. takes forever to get back on, and now SSI wants 20,000 overpmt. They told me nothing would change w SSI since I would still be diabled. (They even told that to my friend who was helping me with everything legal because I didn't understand anything. I'm in the middle of fighting it, but sounds like they, the government, usually win.) I'm under his thumb.
Have you considered talking to a domestic violence hotline? emotional abuse does 'count' even if there's nothing physical. They'll have advocates who can help you with your benefits, and maybe even find you another place to stay. Just a thought. :)
 

Bitter Pill

Learning
Have you considered talking to a domestic violence hotline? emotional abuse does 'count' even if there's nothing physical. They'll have advocates who can help you with your benefits, and maybe even find you another place to stay. Just a thought. :)

Thank you for your suggestion. Yes, I was with an organization 20 years ago when my son was 2. His father was both emotionally and physically, and when he threatened me with a gun, I disappeared. I've been to many shelters for a month at a time each, and reconnected with them a few months ago and have a counselor who is the best I've had out of all the med 'pros'. I think she knows because she's experienced trauma as well. It's been a lifetime for me so I realize I won't be "fixed" for some time.
 
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