Empty

[Theasylumsystem]

I feel.. alone. I spent so much of my day just surviving from panic attack to panic attack. It feels so hollow. It feels so unending. This constant cycle. One good day to a week of awful days and back again. I don't sleep at night much anymore. I have too many things that hurt me all the time. I just spiral from one trauma to the next and it feels like I never get to be okay. I can't function. I have such high support needs that no one even wants to be around me. I try to be independent, but I wake up lost and confused. It feels like almost anything gives me a f*cking panic attack*

I down a cocktail of pills 3 times a day to get anywhere close to stable and it's still not enough. Often I find myself wondering if it's all worth it. We've been dissociating so much lately. I can't remember my name most of the time, let alone what's been actively going on. I still attend therapy weekly just so I can tell her I've made no progress and we can't even delve into my traumas because I can't remember them. Only bits and pieces.

I'm just so tired of my disabilities. I wish I was going to university with my friends. I wish I was working toward becoming a dog trainer. I wish I didn't have to appeal my disability and maybe have to go to court. It would be such an insane nightmare. I know I'm worried about things that haven't happened yet but god I'd rather worry about the future than think about the past. There's so much hurt and I can't stomach it at all.

It all just feels endless and pointless. I feel like it's all going to end up with me committing- anyway. Just another statistic. Another number for the death toll of mental illness.

 

[Sideways]

I down a cocktail of pills 3 times a day to get anywhere close to stable and it's still not enough.

Time to get off these. While they may help take the panic away once it happens, there’s a chance they’re contributing to the panic attack in the first place.

What is it about that good day that makes it good? Is it repeatable?