Upside Down Eagle
Diamond Member
I've been on this supportive, awesome forum for three or four years now. I hadn't been officially diagnosed with (complex) ptsd until last year, although I had a pretty big suspicion that I was in fact suffering from it.
Life has had some pretty sickening ups and downs for me. It's like riding a giant wave. Or a roller coaster. Frequently, I am suicidal in the winter months, and doing better in summer. But I'm getting to know myself, I try to observe myself, and apply mindfulness so as not to forget I am not my disease.
Last spring, after a particularly harsh winter, I started soaring, as I have told many of you. It helps with the disease: it gets me out among people who like to do the same thing, it gets me long days into the sun, it gets me trying new things (for example, I had to learn how to drive a tractor).
I am at a point where I am almost allowed to fly solo, more and more responsibility is expected from me, which is pretty scary. Taking responsibility for myself has never been one of my strong suits. I've always blamed other people for my state of mind, my state of being, which was frequently a negative one.
Yesterday I sat thinking about the progress I've made. Again, after a harsh winter. The possibility of more harsh winters is always ahead, but I will always re-build. Humans do that. They live through wars, death, destruction, sorrow. And they re-build. They live.
Suddenly I wondered how it would be, if I could run back now to my childhood version. Tell her. "One day, you will fly in the sky by yourself!". And I laughed, because I knew the childhood version of me would not have believed future me. "No way!" child-me would have said. "You're full of it!".
For those of you who wonder, if it will ever change, I tell you, it will. Change is part of life. The goal is to achieve some kind of inner stability with which you can surf the waves, soar the winds. Accept that more shit will come and you can deal with it. Sunshine will come too.
Your future self is awesome, because you are awesome and you have potential.
Even if you don't believe it. Keep your hopes up ;)
Life has had some pretty sickening ups and downs for me. It's like riding a giant wave. Or a roller coaster. Frequently, I am suicidal in the winter months, and doing better in summer. But I'm getting to know myself, I try to observe myself, and apply mindfulness so as not to forget I am not my disease.
Last spring, after a particularly harsh winter, I started soaring, as I have told many of you. It helps with the disease: it gets me out among people who like to do the same thing, it gets me long days into the sun, it gets me trying new things (for example, I had to learn how to drive a tractor).
I am at a point where I am almost allowed to fly solo, more and more responsibility is expected from me, which is pretty scary. Taking responsibility for myself has never been one of my strong suits. I've always blamed other people for my state of mind, my state of being, which was frequently a negative one.
Yesterday I sat thinking about the progress I've made. Again, after a harsh winter. The possibility of more harsh winters is always ahead, but I will always re-build. Humans do that. They live through wars, death, destruction, sorrow. And they re-build. They live.
Suddenly I wondered how it would be, if I could run back now to my childhood version. Tell her. "One day, you will fly in the sky by yourself!". And I laughed, because I knew the childhood version of me would not have believed future me. "No way!" child-me would have said. "You're full of it!".
For those of you who wonder, if it will ever change, I tell you, it will. Change is part of life. The goal is to achieve some kind of inner stability with which you can surf the waves, soar the winds. Accept that more shit will come and you can deal with it. Sunshine will come too.
Your future self is awesome, because you are awesome and you have potential.
Even if you don't believe it. Keep your hopes up ;)
