End Of My Rope -- My Fixation With Vigilantism

[Teddy]

I got past my revenge thinking as I got back what I wanted which was my daughter.
Funnily enough I don't even give the dickhead a thought much these days.
Buggared if I know what happened to him and what he is up too.
Don't know, don't care. I don't regret anything as the worst I got too was 'thinking'.
It might not have been 'nice thoughts' but stuff it he was doing 'seriously bad stuff'.
I look forward to the day he no longer walks the earth as then no one else will get hurt.
Do I wish him Dead. Nope... I don't think about him. Not at all. Only if the conversation comes up. But the revenge and anger has all gone.
I just figure I would sooner spend my energy doing good stuff than thinking and worrying about bad. That was then. This is now.
If you are still angry, be angry!
Let the emotions out. But remember they are only emotions until you do something.
While they stay emotions then they cannot hurt any one but yourself.
The consequences are too great and they will have there time.....

In the meantime this is our time and we need to make the most of it.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

 

[Kintsugi]

I deal with my vengefulness by listening to some music that expresses my feelings very well. That way I get it out.

I usually do this pretty well... I think maybe I've been doing worse in the music expression department because I'm not listening to one of my favorite angry bands. No one I spend time with recently likes that band, but they do make me feel better. Then again, sometimes I think I may just be seeking music that is triggering.

Though, I will say Eminem seems to help: "Till I collapse from spilling these raps, long as you feel 'em, till the day I drop you'll never say that I'm not killiin' 'em." It reminds me to concentrate on honing my writing so that when my memoir is finally ready to see press, it will be huge, and it will be my personal indictment, and there's nothing anybody in my family can do to cover it up. I hope they have to watch me sitting on daytime TV and talking about their crimes that made me so successful. It's just hard to focus on this when I've been so out of my head recently I can't write a thing.

 

[Kintsugi]

I got past my revenge thinking as I got back what I wanted which was my daughter.
Funnily enough I don't even give the dickhead a thought much these days.

I'm increasingly thinking that I really just want my family back. I feel so alone sometimes. I want to love my parents, but I'm so angry with how they and the rest of the family has handled all of this. I won't disclose any of my subsequent traumas to them because I don't trust them anymore. I've recently come to realize that none of the advice my family has given me has ever been beneficial to me, just to them. There's an exception to this rule, a cousin I have. I just learned she was moving less than an hour away from me, so I'm really excited to have some kind of family support this summer. ^-^

I have to say, my family seems to slowly be coming to the realization that my brother is slime. Very slowly, very quietly. As he gets older yet grows none, they see this. But... okay, this bothers me immensely so I want to see if anyone relates at all. My fiance, for starters, regards my brother as scum. But %99 of the time he speaks in disgust of who my brother is. He'll rag on him for being gay, for being weak, for being pathetic, etc. But he never seems to despise my brother for what he did to me. My brother and I had a very, very close relationship growing up, before I remembered any of this happening. We composed music together. I told him what to wear in the morning, what he wanted to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (and I cooked these things for him). I had a very servile position to him, but I looked up to him a lot at some point. So when my fiance or my sister or whoever brings up that, yeah, he's really failing at life, part of me says, "That was my brother," and part of me says, "Hello? Uh, yeah. The fact that he doesn't have a real job sucks, but what about the years of abuse? Hm? Forget that one flaw, did you?"

There's so much silence. So much silence. My last boyfriend was also sexually abused by his father and suffered a lot from his mother's suspicions that the father would come back and kidnap or kill her sons (he was a paranoid schizophrenic under the impression that his sons were sent to kill him, or something). We were so open about our injuries, because we could bond on them and be humorous about it. We went to Halloween parties as mental disorders. We joked about things, because it got stuff out there. It felt like it was okay to be who I was and to have gone through what I did.

Now it's so quiet. No one speaks of it but everyone will talk around it. I just want somebody to be angry for me for the right reasons? So, yeah, my brother sucks and he's a total failure, but it's been six years since I told my family that in the context of his actions. Those were ignored. All of that... is feels like it was just no biggie. Like his personal instability as an adult is way worse than what he did to me and way worse than how he handled what he did to me after I came out with it. Grrr. Is anybody feeling me here?

This, I think, is the root of my revenge thoughts. I was just so confused when I disclosed. I was being interrogated for details while he was left alone. I was still forced to go to therapy for three years even though he went for a couple months and dropped it. I was constantly told to get better faster or put the past behind me or whatever, while it seemed like they felt he had nothing to work on? Or perhaps he just whines more, so, you know how it goes I guess. The squeaky wheel gets the Get Out of Jail Free card?

At some point after I disclosed, my father called me into his room to talk to him. I don't remember what was said. I just remember asking him if he was angry, and he said, "Angry? No, why should I be angry? It's water under the bridge now."

My only comfort is that this scene was a part of my public reading of my memoir excerpts.

Funny how few people applauded after I read. Ha!

If you are still angry, be angry!

I can't tell you how much these words mean to me, Teddy. I wish my mother would tell me something so heartening. I've only ever heard that there was nothing to talk about, nothing to see, nothing to feel. It's over. Get over it. Move on so we can have our nice family gatherings.

Oh well. At least I know I have my family sweating over who I will invite to my wedding.
(By the way, I'm not trying to make this into a mini-diary here. There's just a lot behind this for me. The support I receive from all of you really helps me grow my thoughts and extend my understanding.)

 

[Teddy]

Families very rarely get it right. Well that is what I have figured out any way. Only taken 44 years but that is how I see it now. there seems to be so much 'stuff' that clouds every ones view points. Perhaps your brother didn't stay in therapy as 'he was over it', he was 'Ok with what he did' whatever. Stuff it!!!! He has to live with him. You don't have to. Shit floats. He will get 'his' when the time comes. You don't need to worry about that. You may not even see it when it does come. But have no fear, and have no worry, it will come!!! Of this I am more than 100% sure. You say his life is stuffed now anyway so your revenge isn't going to do much. The law of attraction will do it for you. If you are angry then be angry. You have the right to be, so feel it until the feeling passes, and it will. Block it and deny it and it will always stay with you!! Of this I am again very sure!! People (parents are people) say stuff and it is not always what they say that matters it is what we hear. Perhaps your dad was so furious he was a nutcase but he moved through it faster as it didn't happen to him and so 'he isn't angry it is water under the bridge' FOR HIM. He didn't say it had to be for you. And if he says that, then just tell him your creek is a little slower running than his torrential torrent river. It is going to take time. I never thought I would be the one to say that time heals, but unfortunately the damn saying is true. The saying however does not tell you how much time it takes to heal. That is a personal thing......(and the buggar of it all really) I think every one agrees your brother did the wrong thing. How you deal with it now will make or break your life and quite frankly, I don't care one hoot about your brother, I CARE ABOUT YOU. Sadly we are in control of our own lives and we have to make them what we want them. Some one once said, fill your life with bitterness and the tea you make will be bitter. Fill your pot with sugar and all will be sweet. (if that isn't a trademarked quote then it is mine. LOL) Now you have to decide which one you fill your pot with. As for the wedding. Have it your way. Make it fun. Have a great time. Show them that no matter what happens there is no way it is going to hold you back. My wedding was dumped on by my whole family for months prior to the wedding. And I really mean dumped on!! I stuck to what I wanted and every one had a hoot. 140 guests all on a total party. And of course the next day... well it was all my familys idea to have it that way. I get what you say, I hear what you say, I feel your pain. Keep expelling it here until you have no more as it will eventually become too much of a hassle to talk about and become boring. Then you know you have had enough. AND that is called healing. You will miss your family, so don't let him take them away from you too. Just learn that there are many families. A family you are born into. A family you make of party friends. A family who helps you through the tough stuff. A family who helps raise your children. A family you create of your own. Very rarely does one of these 'families' fulfil all that you need. So perhaps try not to look to your born into family for the help with the tough stuff. Build another family for that. This is a good place to start. It took me a long time to realize that my mother would not 'mother' me the way I wanted. I have now stopped looking and my world is far more manageable. Those that have a mothering mother think it is sad, but my mother gave me other stuff that theirs didn't give them. Every mother is different and I can tell you that we all try our best even if that means we fall very short of the children's expectations. Keep it coming chick. Gotta say not keen on the photo you have up now..... LOL I think I will look forward to the next one. LOL